My Day 11/15

1. Automatic payment causing checking account to Overdraft $25.00
2. Bringing Cat to final Vet Check up from accident last month $45.00
3. Apologetic Breakfast to walking buddy that I forgot to cancel 7 am walk with $20.
4. Gas in car $45.00
5. Tow truck for Car that broke down, 15 Minutes after gassing up $125.00
6. Cost of car Repairs to be determined ( still in shop) $ $ $ $
7. Take out of Salad +Sandwiches(unable to grocery shop due to car) $20.00
8. Bag if Baked Lays that I threw away as I felt a binge building $2.49
9. Bubble Bath $6.50
10. Laying in hot bubble bath, envisioning tomorrow being a better day, PRICELESS

Thelma and Louise

My Louise is back from Mexico, she was away for a week, she and a
friend made a deal whoever won the contest at work would take the other
on the trip, if either of them one of course won, and they did! Off to
Mexico they went.
She coined us Thelma and Louise early on in our 6 year friendship as we each bring out the craziness in each other that can make us double over laughing or even worse begging the other to stop long enough so that we run to the bathroom and empty our bladders rather than add more humor to the already out of control situation. I am thinking ifwe were born a generation earlier we may be Carrie and Samantha from
Sex In the city and I of course would be Carrie, (the writer wanna be
claiming Carrie), and she Samantha as she is always has an eye for the
men. As it is we were not born a generation early and Thelma and Louise,well they are a great fit.
Louise can pretty much say anything to me and I her, we developed a bond rather quickly and we have lives that run pretty darn parallel and met at the same job. While working , we carpooled together and that is where she developed an appreciation for my driving and I an appreciation of her backseat driving, not that
at times it has not been warranted. Let's just say " Oopsy" is the word I use when I get a little too close to a mailbox, it happens pretty frequently as I am an animated story teller, even when driving, and I talk and drive a lot! Louise's most frequent driving comment to me is " Do you think you need to be THAT close to the car in front of you?" followed by a deep husky laugh. Before you fear driving in my State,
Massachusetts, I must interject here I have never ( knocking on my wood
desk) been in a car accident and I have been driving for almost 30
years now).
Louise is deep husky with a rasp voice comes from years of smoking, and she has taken a lot of abuse for that habit of hers and she is ready to quit. I know this as upon my last lecture to her she told me so. She set a date and it was the day she returned from Mexico, so imagine my surprise when I asked her about it yesterday while making lunch plans for today and she responded with, " Thelma, I have set a
date, and I have a plan, and that is all I am going to say about it." Ouch! does that indicate the tone? " Ouch"
Louise has been my biggest cheerleader. She has laughed with me over not finding any undies that stay up over my shrinking derriere. Before I started this weight loss journey it was she who shared all my tears and chuckles over our weight.She unlike me can handle being overweight and dresses to accentuate all her positive and looks like a million bucks all the time, I on the other hand tried to blend, you might remember this post" Yeah You Blend"
It was Louise who was greeted by me, one morning, my turn to drive, crying as I
handed her her coffee when she climbed into the car. " What is wrong?"
she asked all full of concern, and was greeted with, " Sniff, I am so fat I can't get my arms around my back to fasten my Bra anymore." I laugh now, oh boy though, she laughed than and in her most sympathetic laugh she could muster said " I have not been able to do that for years,I can't believe you could, no wonder you always looks tired when you get here! " that was funny, you might have had to be there, but she also graciously told me the trick of fastening in the front and turning the
bra to the back and sliding the girls in, must admit my mornings became easier!
Back to the tone, I am thinking being her cheerleader for quitting smoking is going to require some thick skin, and I never having smoked so I may lack the skills to understand this one. Lunch today hopefully not,

I have been thinking about " What My True Calling " is for awhile, long
before the November issue of Oprah's magazine came out, asking that
exact question. I am a great believer that we all have a true
calling, but not a great believer that we all find or follow it. For a
myriad of reasons, all revolving around life and responsibilities I lost
sight of what my true calling really is.
Being a single mom for 20ish years my monetary support of my daughters deemed what I would do for work. Something I hardly blog about is that I was laid off many
months ago and struggling to find work back in the field I was in,
Sales. No surprise that the work search has been difficult.. I have
worked a part time job for a Landscaper and that really fueled my desire
to find my " True Calling". I have pretty much realized that that will
mean a significant loss in income and I am good with that. My
responsibilities have significantly changed and I can afford to take
care of myself financially with less, especially while taking care to
nourish my soul with the enjoyment of incorporating what I love to do
with what pays the bills. I know in this country and these economical
times, I may be working full time for the next 30 years and I want that
time to be as enjoyable as possible.
This looking for my True calling is a huge realization for me, one that would not have happened had I not started my journey of Weight loss, as in my last post, I wrote
about how numb I was to my own feelings, wants and needs. I have lost
Weight, and yes that was the goal, but what I never knew is how much I
would gain along the way. I feel good, and not just physically, the
slowly peeling the layers of pounds has revealed me to myself, and
allowed me to explore who I am and how I got here and where I am going
now.
I am artistic, and that makes sitting in an office for 40-45
hours a weeks seem like torture, I hated it, never felt it much though
as when that feeling surfaced I ate it away. I just kept doing it. Forty
nine pounds ago, I would not have had he physical strength or mental
clarity to apply for a job that would require me to be on my feet all
day, outside working in the elements, allowing me to work with flowers
and design.
This is just the beginning of the new life my Weight
loss journey is unveiling for me, my True Calling may or may not be
working in a Garden Center or Landscape company, it may be penning a
novel, but whatever it will be it will be determined by me and my
thoughts, feelings, something that I was so unaware about at the
beginning of this journey.

Why I started this Journey

Thursday, November 11, 2010
Post Image I have been reading a lot of my early blog posts, I was searching for an answer as to why I would have joined Weight Watchers on Dec 26th instead of Jan 1st like a lot of people do, I did not find it written in my words, I found some interesting posts, but not the answer to that question (bdoggqueenh- This answer has been prompted by you, thank you for the revisit, I needed it )
I know the answer though, I thought maybe I had blogged it,but in hindsight it may have been too emotional for me too have put it in writing for all to see. It was fear. I was so afraid of what kind of damage I would do to myself between the day I decided I was going to lose this weight and the day I was going to start the program. I was out of control with my eating and drinking, and any indulgent habit I had that helped me numb how I was feeling, more accurately how I was hurting. 261 pounds of raw emotional pain that was being numbed not felt. I feared that I would not live to see my Granddaughters life unfold, I feared my mother whom I was a caretaker for would have to see another child go before her, and I feared leaving my daughters motherless. That fear over shadowed my desire to numb my feelings and I am so thankful for that
There are 6 days between Christmas and New Years Day, and I knew they would be six days of what I used to refer as " The Last Supper " I would eat and drink anything not nailed down, live life in excess in preparation for what I assumed would be the denial of anything I enjoyed until I had lost all my weight. In hindsight I was saving my life by joining on the 26th because on any given day before that I could have quite accidentally killed myself with my choices. I am not syaing the alcohol, I drank in excess yes, but I mean caloric wise. I was a mess, I had severe sleep apnea, Gerd, daily chest pains , high blood pressure, I could not walk 25 ft without a low wheezy whistle sound emitting from my airways. All that said if you asked me how I was, I would say " I am fine, everything is good with me, no worries."
Clearly everything was not Ok!. So fear motivated me and I can honestly say once I committed to this journey I have not looked back.
Once I decided I was going to take off this weight, full knowing it meant that I would have to feel my feelings and work through them and that I had some pretty
rough times ahead, I told people, to keep me accountable. Those around me knew I was going to try and tackle my weight again, whether they believed it or not I do not know, as they like me had been here before. In my heart I knew this time was different but it took many months before I feel others did.
While reading my past blog posts to see if I could find what I had written, I came across an entry on how hurtful others were to me while I was at my heaviest and it is a tool for me now. A very unkind nasty comment made off the cuff by a man that I hardly have contact with anymore as I realize part of taking care of me in this journey is staying away from people who are toxic in nature, whenever I can, for whatever
their reasons are for their toxicity if it is avoidable I avoid as it does not add to my life to surround myself with negativity. When I read this now, I see how far I have come, as even as I posted about the comment in January, in this post part two of one below I still can feel those words today, feel I said feel, I cried that day, and I have cried since, but even on that day I did not numb it, my mind had been made up to change that behavior.
This journey has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I so committed to it, I see now that it is essential to me being the best person I can possibly be. It has brought me closer to family members, and has taught me to distance myself from those that are toxic.

Today is going to be a hard day I can feel it already, I have an under current of frustration and doubt running through me. Lo and behold it is about my nemesis.
nem·e·ses \-ˌsēz\ a : one that inflicts retribution or vengeance b
: a formidable and usually victorious rival or opponent ...otherwise known to me as "The Scale" I am asking myself when will I ever be 100% free from this guy, yes I have personalized an inanimate object. Work with me here, because I feel like I am onto something. By personalizing the scale and giving him a name, like " Roland" for example maybe I can do what must be done.
I have been visiting Roland several times a week, ok,ok,daily and I feel he is like a bad boyfriend, he brings me no pleasure and actually drains me of my energy and can take away any good feelings I may have had before gracing myself with his presence. I have worked out four times this week, and will again today and all
Roland has to say is " sorry not good enough, not moving!" I explain that I have eaten well all week, lots of fruits and vegetables, tracked , counted every bite, generally a great example of what a Weight Watcher member should do, and what do I hear " Sorry, not moving." He teased me once or twice by showing me that he moved and that I would hit my weight loss goal for the week, but in true Roland fashion he than showed me he just might derail me and move up and add a pound in.
Roland is abusive to me and he must go, so maybe I should treat him like a toxic relative instead of a boyfriend that I want to spend time with, because if he were toxic relative I would take the advice of a professional and visit maybe once a week. See what he has to say, keep the good and disregard the rest so long as I knew in my heart that I am doing everything right and that the comments and negativity I was getting in return is Roland's issue not mine.
I am glad I worked that out...phew, so here is the rub, " Roland I will be by tomorrow morning to see what you have to say, and after that I am taking a week off, and will continue to do what I do, eat well, work out, and move along my journey of weight loss, without you derailing me with your negativity! I will come back and see you weekly and in the meantime you must go live somewhere else until I can get over you and this terrible toxic relationship" I feel better already.

Sweet Sixteen

I woke up to sleet, wind and cold weather, arghhh,,,,Sleet!!?? Really,,, Can we have our first snow first, as that brings some beauty with the cold. I guess that is what I am really looking for is the beauty of the change of seasons, it is a well established fact that I hate the cold. Hating the cold does not keep me from loving the snow, weird huh?
My mood was feeling set for the day, I needed to do something to change that, and I knew if I could find some good in my weigh loss journey that might do it. A positive so to speak as the day will be long, sleet and cold in all . I have to get a work out in, and that will not happen without intense effort, and my effort does not happen when I lose sight of the progress and last week the scale has been making me lose sight of the progress.
I decided to go out on a limb and try the one pair of size 16 jeans I have left over from days gone by. Last time I tried them about a month ago, they went up but could not zip, so they went back to the recess of bottom drawer of my bureau. Today they fit! , okay let's revisit that statement, today the zipper zipped and I see that I can wear a Size 16! I am going to revel in that for a little while, I went from a Size 22 to a Size 16 in 11 months time, most likely I was a size 24 but I refused to buy that size as I was heartbroken by the weight I had reached, instead I squeezed into a Size 22 or more often than not wore elastic waisted pants that grew with me.( attractive picture I am painting, NOT)
Despite the scale playing hard to get with me, the inches are disappearing and that is what I needed today to stay the course. I am not wearing the size 16 as because they zip does not mean they fit comfortably. gone are my days of wearing clothes so tight I am uncomfortable. I am pleased they fit, but I want to feel good about how I look and that does not happen when I feel material stretching and cutting into me. Fitting and feeling comfortable are not always the same, but I see that they will feel comfortable soon enough.They fit better than they did a month ago and even if the scale is stalling at the moment the progress can show itself in other ways.
So I can not change the weather but I can change how I feel about it, I can change me, I have changed me, and that change has been pervasive to my whole life, I keep looking for the bright side, I keep pushing myself to do what I did not think I could, I have changed my body and my mind has followed, and for that I am grateful! Sweet 16!! Bring on the sleet, wind, cold., I can handle it, sounds like the workout will be at the gym, tonite about 7:30 and followed by hot shower and steambath to warm me up and make the weather seem insignificant!

I am so excited!

I am a great guesser when it comes to surprises, gifts wrapped packages,
clues of any kind I can usually figure things out immediately.
A quick but telling story is one my ex Mother In Law ( she still loves me
and refers to me as " Her Jennifer", so there is one more great gift I
received from an otherwise bad marriage, she and my girls) . Anyways
back to the story. As she tells it you can not surprise me with
anything. She came over one Christmas all pleased with my gift, it was
wrapped and she gave me no hint as to what it was as past experience had
taught her one hint and BAM! I knew. She was feeling pretty pleased
and she put the gift under the tree and said I could even shake it, and
try and figure out what it was, something not usually allowed as my
family wants to surprise me, and they know I will guess.
Now for me, letting me touch it and rattle and roll it is the first clue, this
is not breakable, so I went forward picked up the rectangular heavy gift
wrapped present and moved it once to and fro and with glee said " Fire
Extinguisher" and yup I was right, instantly the look on her face told
me I was right. Without giving up my secrets, I will tell you I am no
Houdini, but I do listen and retain things and know what is important
information and what is not. This is one example of many and now much to
my chagrin, presents for me do not go under the tree until an hour
before we open!
Back to my excitement, this is an easy puzzle. Last
night I went online and went to my good friend Google and started
researching what may be clue to the New Weight Watchers plans and I came
up with this article.http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2010/11/03/131045690/new-british-weightwatchers-plan-encourages-the-splurge
After reading it, I was hopeful that points on some of my more consumed food
would be changing and for the better and but even more exciting would be
that most Fruits and Vegetables would have no points attached at all!!
AT ALL!! I am a fruit and vegetable eater and striving to be a clean
eater, eliminating most if not all processed foods from my diet, Splenda
have no fear, I have not found a substitute for you yet, and my coffee
is key to me being a fun loving kind of girl.
Now this morning in my email and probably in yours as well is a notice from Weight Watchers stating that on NOV 29th Weight Watchers will change they way I think
about Fruit and Vegetables. I am going out on a ledge here, but I think I know what that means, and I am so excited!! Just when I thought the program could not get any better there is all indications that it truly getting better!! Yay for Us all.....if I am right of course, but like I said when it comes to guessing surprises, I am pretty
confident... I mean seriously I guessed a Fire Extinguisher and 25 years
later the story is still told.