Living in The Shadow of 200 Pounds

I tried to explain to DBF last night my real desire to be at 195 and to no avail, he just can not understand my fixation with the numbers. I get that, I understand why he can not, he has never had a weight problem or felt the defeat or success of conquering it. Add to that he does not live in my head.
He reminded me that I look great and that I am receiving compliments right and left and I am, and trust me that feels wonderful, but being under 200 pounds for the first time in over 8 years is amazing to me and feels real. It feels like I am really on the underside of the weight loss part of the journey, that Onderland was the benchmark for me, all the time knowing if I could get there, I could do anything!
Here is the thing though, I struggle every day with the scale, those who have been reading my blog for awhile know I named my Scale, Roland , and he is my Toxic Friend. Some days I love him, and most days, not so much! He is in my life and than out, I step on him every morning until I see the damage he does to my psyche and lo and behold I lock him in the closet until my one day a week when I step back on. I soften though, feel bad, assume he fears the dark and let him out of the closet and the whole cycle begins again.
I am in Onderland, with a three pound cushion, wanting 5, wanting to weigh 195 because when I have a monthly fluctuation, of 4 pounds ( very true) I want to still be in Onderland, I want to NEVER see 200 pounds on Roland's face again! He taunts me with it, I swear I hear him giggle!
Why is this my post today? Well because I had soup last night for dinner, and a caesar salad, Can you hear the bells? it sounds like I am in a Casino...bing bing bing bing ,,,,,and Roland giggles and the sodium has brought the number to 200 pounds!! You are the lucky winner!!!
When I am in living in the Shadow of 200 pounds, I am just a day away from feeling the pull back, and a day away from seeing the light,,,,, That is why I want the Shadow of 195.
I guess I can see why DBF does not get it.... and Yup you guessed it....Roland is back in the closet! I know real success will be when I finally Divorce Roland, and on a brighter note I have been looking for a good divore Lawyer...... no need for an Intervention yet....