A Thanksgiving Surprise

I woke up Thanksgiving morning, stumbled to the coffee pot, grabbed coffee and sat at my computer for a little while and than off to the shower, and fresh out of the shower out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Roland, yup, my daughter forget to take him home with her last night. For anyone not knowing who Roland is, he is my scale, I named him, makes hating him more logical for me.
I am feeling pretty weak looking at him, thinking " Why did I not get him out of the bathroom" I have tried to stay loyal to my weigh in once a week, and this clearly is a challenge I want to win. I was not winning yesterday morning. I dried my hair, still trying to ignore Roland in the corner, I thought I even heard " No one put's baby in the corner " I was having a full attack of scale obsession. You guessed it, I climbed on Roland, and squeezed my eyes shut. slowly opened one, than the other and looked down,...
Plateau Broken!!! the scale read 211 DRUMROLL....50 POUNDS! It was the happiest moment of my weight loss as yet, a little tainted by the fact that I can not log it as my weigh in day is on Wed and I had already logged that I had not lost any weight. I will tell you though, I am and was thrilled and it helped say no to a lot of things yesterday, like a second piece of pie, Turkey Stuffing Sandwich my sister offered when she found out I would not cook a traditional Turkey dinner in order to honor my weight loss efforts and by the way the meal was instead Apricot glazed Turrkey and Sweet potatoes, weight watchers and great. I passed on eating a piece of Apple pie that I had made with my daughter that morning, she brought one to her Inlaws and left the other with me. I was not hungry, just kept thinking it was Thanksgiving and I should eat it...huh?!! glad my logic prevailed over that thought. Roland was kind and I accepted that as the gift it was meant to be, however I must conquer my scale obsession so one day of him being nice does not mean he can stay....he and I have some boundary issues to work on and he must do it somewhere else and he can come back home next Tuesday on the eve of my weigh in.
So here I sit happily and feeling like, I can do this, I can really do this, and it is with a grateful heart to all of you who help and support me along the way, this online group of friends helps sustain me and I " Thank You!"
My friends and family and some follow my blog, get a special " Thank You" as well as they live with my scale obsession, rants on the phone about how the scale will not move, or listening to me grumble out how cold it was on my walk... I love you, Heidi, Chelle, Angie, Marianne, Alice, just to name a few... Thank You....
I will begin thinking about my next mini goal and how I will get there, you know I will be sure to share it with you all...

Thankful for Pie for Breakfast 11/25 Turkey Day

Growing up in a large family I have favorite memories and traditions I hold dear and some I can just let go, Pie on Thanksgiving morning is one I will keep at least for as longs as my mom is alive to indulge in it with me.
This morning I drove to mom's with for my morning check in and had a pumpkin pie in hand, I bought it at the local farmstand and she was eagerly awaiting my arrival. She has always had an enormous sweet tooth but it has increased by 10 with every year that passes.
I am one of seven children and my sister and I were talking this morning and laughing at the fact that we believe the tradition started because mom had no self control with the pies in the house and how could she justify to us that she could have pie for breakfast but us kids could not, I am thinking that was battle she could not win. Whatever the reason, it is a tradition at this point, and the 9 points I used to have a piece of pumpkin pie with my mom was well with all 9 points. I am Thankful to have her still alive this year and know that it could have gone another way at several points. I had one piece and left the pie with her. She will have dinner with another sibling and I have my Weight Watchers Meal ready and planned and my day is within my daily point range.
I am also very Thankful for this great online community all the friends I have made here and all the daily support I receive, how lucky are we to have all of this support right at our fingertips, Thank You.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and try to remember as I will as well, that it is the people and the memories we are celebrating and the second piece of anything tastes no different than the first, moderation is good!!

Diary of a Palateau, 49 pounds and counting 11/24

per·se·ver·ance /ˌpɜrsəˈvɪərəns/ Show Spelled[pur-suh-veer-uhns] Show IPA –noun 1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
Perseverance, that is what it takes to overcome a plateau, and if you were to ask me last year if I could persevere through a whole month of no weight loss despite doing everything right, I would give you a resounding " No Way!". Today I will tell you, yes, " Yes I Can," Am I happy about it, of course not, I am disappointed, a little angry, very frustrated and even dumbfounded. No need to check my journals I know I have been eating right and I have tracked a lot of activity. I would own it, if I were cheating I would recognize that I am only cheating myself. I went on a search and it did not take me long to realize what could be the culprit. I am tracking a lot of activity, and that activity is the same every workout, and in this article 10 Reasons your not Losing weight it makes a compelling point that I need to change what my activity is and every six weeks or so.
Changing what I do at the gym is hard for me as I am in a comfort zone, I recognized that last night while watching the Biggest Loser, even before I climbed on Roland the scale, you know the inanimate object in my home that I love to hate, by the way he is leaving again today, back to my daughters, he is in danger of flying out a window ( yup, I am a little angry).
Watching the intensity that the contestants exercise at, I felt ok, as that is me I am pushing myself, I am sweating at my gym, on the treadmill, always the treadmill. Not all the hours of the day like the contestant on the BL are but that I would never do, and I love the show for inspiration and trainer tips, but that is where my comparisons stop. My comfort level is what keeps me on the treadmill, fear of the Elliptical, or fear of failing or flailing off it is more accurate. I have a fear of all the equipment that I am not familiar with there and here is where I need to be as strong in person as I am on paper, or online blogging. I need to walk inthe gym and climb on one of those bad boy foreign to me piece of gym equipment and look like I know what I am doing! Back to the old, fake it til you make it! Hmmm,,,or maybe I can be a little kinder and gentler to myself and ask one of the trainers for a quick tutorial and maybe get a price of how much they charge an hour and put a trainer package on my Christmas list. I like how I am thinking right now, and if you are still reading I am glad your here sharing my thoughts.
Back to this plateau for a minute, boy this is tough and I on the outside I can be logical and see it for what it is, but I want to recognize the way it makes me feel. There is a real feeling of, " I give up" What's the use" " It will never happen" and those feelings fuel my, I am eating whatever I want tomorrow, and will just accept that I am going to have a gain, and maybe skip the gym for awhile.
Today right now I am putting the breaks on acting on those feelings, they are just that feelings, not always logical, not based on science, they are what led me to weigh 120 pounds more than I should. I am letting myself feel them, heck I may even stomp around the house for an hour or two, I am home alone, why not, BUT I am not letting my feelings, override what I know to be true, I feel better, my health has improved drastically and I am on my way to losing 120 pounds and gaining my life back. I can practice what I preach and what I know, this is a journey and the losing the weight is the shortest part of that journey, the keeping it off entails the rest of my life, which I am thinking with all these healthy changes , will be significantly longer with these healthy changes I have made.

Where's Jenna? 11/23

I am seriously looking for me, as I am changing before my own eyes and I hardly recognize my own thoughts!! Example, I am headed int the gym yesterday and I see a sign on the door that says " Open Thanksgiving 7-11 am" and I think " Good! I can get a Workout in and a Steam bath for a treat!" Whoa!! who is that girl? Now lets add to that. Thanksgiving will be quiet for me this year, both daughters are headed in other directions, and I have been invited to many places but am opting out for a quiet day with DBF and myself, he has his kids obligations early in the day allowing for my gym time and than I plan on making the Weight Watchers point Friendly meal Apricot Glazed Turkey Breast and Sweet Potatoes. I am truly not worried about holiday gain, and that is a true transformation, and again I ask " Where is Jenna?"
I am embracing the changes and I am going to start to make a list of the things I notice so that when I falter, I can see it in black and white that I am and can continue to lose this weight and gain the healthy person I want to be!
Roland ( my pet name for the scale in my life) has been at my daughters house all week, and I do not miss him! My mood is great when I am not being taunted by him, and I base my success on how I am eating, exercising and tracking! I was afraid to let him go, I had visions in my head of me at Target or Walmart every day, trying out their scales,( scary visions as I weigh in, with my birthday suit!) or getting up early and visiting my daughter, stripping down in her bathroom and stepping on the dreaded Roland, but it has not happened and I am here to say, " Where is Jenna?" "What have you done with her? "
Well I am here to say that I am liking the new me and I am here to stay!!

My Walking Buddy 11/22

40° CloudyWeather, that is the weather this am, and she called and we are walking. I am whining, and she has to be the tough one, as I hate the cold! We are not walking our regular walk but instead she leaves her house a mile away and I mine, and meet at a coffee shop, we have coffee and than walk back home to our own homes, 2 mile round trip. I am adding steps to my day and building up tolerance for the cold. I decided a month ago that this morning walk has now been delegated to just extra walking as my workout at the gym has far-passed the intensity level that this walk is at.
It was a great starting place for me and for my buddy, but I say this with no judgment, just sadness as I know there is no good in it for her, but she still is smoking, and can not increase her walking speed. My job as her walking buddy is to stick it out with her regardless of the fact that I feel like hibernating in the cold, as she hates the heat but for my sake kept walking all summer. Walking Buddies, I highly recommend :)

My Goals Thus far

I read a great blog post from a friend this morning and it touched on goals and how in the beginning of this journey her goals were not of the numbers but of milestones that would naturally happen along the way. I was very impressed as a.) She has met them b.) She had the wisdom right from the start to see that the numbers were not the most important thing here, health and being able to live life to its fullest is the goal for her.
Admittedly for some people it is just the numbers or how they look in the mirror, and that is fine with me, whatever reason brought any of us on this journey, the success of the journey will inevitable improve your health and well being. I like my fellow blogger friend, came looking for health and well being. I unlike her, jumped right to the numbers and typing that and recognizing that, gives me the understanding of my relationship to the scale. It is like my Aha Moment ( Thank you Oprah for coining that great term).
I am going to backtrack to my goals last December. Long before I got on the scale I knew this to be true, I could not walk, climb stairs, carry my precious granddaughter or even tie my shoes, without being out of breath. I had not one day in the prior year that I did not suffer from GERD ( Heartburn times 10), I was on a CPAP machine for sever sleep apnea, according to the sleep sonography test, I stopped breathing more than 57 times and hour. I feared that like my Father whom died at 42 I would not live to see and enjoy my grandchildren and would leave my daughters, whom already were raised single parented would than become motherless as well. Simply said I was a mess, and rightly depressed.
All of the things I listed have changed. I not only am fit enough to walk and not be out of breath and can do any one of those tasks but I belong to a gym that I frequent no less than three times a week most times 5. The GERD is gone, except when I absolutely need Bacon. CPAP Machine just retired, and I had a clean bill of health on my heart in July, the Cardiologist gave me a year Warranty. I will always need to be cognizant and have a Stress test yearly due to family history, but I changed the variables that could have brought on my early demise. These are great goals met and they are the tip of the iceberg in terms of all the goals I have met. I will take some time and really think about them, and a post will follow.
So now I am thinking about the list of things I wanted to do and could not before I met these goals and one that stands out to me is, Yoga. I have read about it, bought a DVD Yoga for Big Women and misplaced it. I have talked with my older daughter and she too is interested and has been for awile, I have been dragging my feet, thinking I am too big, or I am not in shape or, or or,,,,Well the time has come and I found the place and I am going to add this to yet one more goal to be achieved.
I am not saying that the numbers on the scale are not going to concern me as unfortunately that is the way even WW measures the success, necessary evil, but when the dreaded plateau hits as mine appears to have, there is so many more tangible ways to see the progress and the goals met are so much more than the numbers reflect. So "Thank you " Frani, for the clarity today,
On a side note Roland ( my scale) has left the building, my daughter kidnapped him with the thought hat out of sight is out of mind and I am thinking at a Yoga studio lies the serenity I need to get over that obsession with him! Pretzels anyone?

Love being a "mimi"

The smell of waffles lingers in the air as I type, Blues Clues is on the Tv behind me which can only mean my Granddaughter slept over last night. I awoke to her asking me if we could go to the Santa Parade, NOW. She knew it was one more sleep away, she has been counting down the sleeps since 4 sleeps ago. That is how I taught my girls to count down big events when they were small and it so endearing to me to continue the tradition. She had her one last sleep, the remaining hours will be the long part!
Besides Evie knowing how to count down to the parade some other things have changed since last year, we will be walking, it is 1/4 mile up the street from my home, last year we drove anyways, as I was so out of shape and feared she may need me to carry her. Today I can carry her and will and walk. We will have company of my Sisters and their children and their childrens's children. I come from a family of Seven and I am number six, number seven was a Big surprise so her children are older than my Granddaughter but not so old that they do not believe in Santa. Another change this year is I will not be avoiding the pictures that may be snapped, I will not be wishing the parade will end as I can not stand or sit another minute, due to my weight causing me discomfort. It is the start of a Season of firsts for me again, and I could not be happier!
Haverhill, MA: The 46th Annual VFW Santa Parade will kick off this Sunday at 1 pm With the theme "Christmas in Haverhill's Neighborhoods," and we will be there!!

Roland won this week's battle, I will win the War! 11/18

Well I brought Roland out this morning expecting Sweet Success, I could see that 50th pound gone post, as I gingerly placed my feet on the Roland. Than it happened
with a wide sneer, the number came up 212!! again. Thoughts of Roland
flying through the air encompassed my head, tears welled in my eyes. I
did not kick him, I did not cry, and I will not give up. Back to the
closet Roland went.
I am beyond disappointed and frustrated, but I am also very happy with me. Happy?
Yes Happy. I had a stellar week, OP. I had enormous stress, my car broke
down and I did not make it to the gym the two days it was gone. I did
however exercise, I walked a five mile walk around my neighborhood that
was filled with hills to challenge me, both days. I kept my eating on
track, I kept Roland in the closet. I did my part and for whatever
reason the scale does not want to cooperate and I have no control over
that. Maybe it was the stress, maybe my body just needs time to adjust
to all the changes I have made. Whatever the reason, it is what it is,
and I must move forward and that thought is what makes me the happiest. I
am not having an internal argument with myself, there is no " What is
the use?" or " I give up until after the holidays" being spoken in my
head.
I have 5 Weeks to meet my goal of being at my half way
point in my Weight loss journey and to be under 200 pounds for the first
time in over 8 years, it is a very big battle, but it is the battle
that brings me to winning the war that my eating and lack of exercise
has brought me too. It is a battle and I want to win it and I am
confident that despite going in to the hardest time of the year, the
holidays I can win this battle. Next week Weight Watchers gives me a new
tool and I am hoping that will help propel me there and this week, I
will do what I have been doing, stay OP, exercise, and do not let Roland
talk me down.

I forgot to Weigh in today...11/18

Crazy day and I forgot to weigh in, which seeing as I am online you would think, no big deal....get on the scale now. Nope not happening. I weigh in, in the morning and in my Birthday suit, and I have battled the scale all week, tucked away in my closet the last 6 days, and when I get on it, I want to be at my best! I want 50 this week. Tonight at supper it occurred to me that is I was 49 years old I would not be so anxious for 50, but we are talking pounds here.
My car is back in my driveway, $883.00 Yikes, Yikes is all I have.
Short blog, hopefully good news tomorrow.

The Good News 11/16

A Follow up from Yesterday My Day
So yesterday was just out of control and as I sit here at my computer waiting for the garage to call with the price to get my car up and running again I am trying to find positive in yesterday.
The good news is Sophie my cat that was critically injured two months ago is 100% better. To recap, she was struck by a car and broke her pelvis in three places and suspected nerve damage to her, urinary system. She is spent a week in the hospital and than I spent two weeks bringing her back and forth for daily vet visits. They advised me yesterday that her youth and great health prior to the accident is what made the difference between life and death, but I should anticipate that she will have arthritis as she ages, and her weight is now tipping the scales too much. I love my vet, I wish my Dr was a tactful as that when he was concerned about my weight, I do believe he used the word " Morbidly Obese " and more than once.
Of course she is " Tipping the scales " she does not go out anymore, and that is a feat in itself as I never wanted her to go out, but both my cats, my senior 15 year old Penny, and the baby Sophie, were rescue cats. They were born outside and spent every minute that I kept them in, thinking about how to get out! I have done what prior to Sophie being hit, I deemed impossible and that is retrained Sophie to be an inside cat, please do not ask about Penny, as she has been going outside for 15 years and that will not stop. Back to the The weight problem of Sophie, now she just eats and sleeps all day and I do mean all day, she is resting for the attack mode she gets in, when Penny, bless her 15 year old heart comes in the door. Sophie who used to fear Penny has begun stalking her and tormenting her every waking moment they are together ( no wonder I can not keep Penny in) The fear Sophie once has was replaced with " I am a survivor attitude" after the near death experience. At night of course Penny comes in and , trust me she has it made. I recently in lieu of her being stalked and tormented by Sophie have given her own room, formerly my office. I share my office with Penny, at night she gets to be in there all by herself, food, water, her own latrine and a heating pad and cat bed. I however get Sophie who at 4 am is now awake and ready to play, she awakes me by batting my cheek with her paw, and if that does not work she starts knocking things off my dresser, until I get up and feed her again, and apparently that is the meal that vet suggests, I take away.
What is the post about again? Oh yeah the good news, so now Sophie like me is On Program and seeing as she is limited to inside work outs my job is too find away to get her moving and preferably between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm...any thoughts?
This good news from the vet was $45.00, adding to her total bill of $1071.00. I am so hoping that the broken down car comes in significantly less that that, but that is the bad news, I will save for later

My Day 11/15

1. Automatic payment causing checking account to Overdraft $25.00
2. Bringing Cat to final Vet Check up from accident last month $45.00
3. Apologetic Breakfast to walking buddy that I forgot to cancel 7 am walk with $20.
4. Gas in car $45.00
5. Tow truck for Car that broke down, 15 Minutes after gassing up $125.00
6. Cost of car Repairs to be determined ( still in shop) $ $ $ $
7. Take out of Salad +Sandwiches(unable to grocery shop due to car) $20.00
8. Bag if Baked Lays that I threw away as I felt a binge building $2.49
9. Bubble Bath $6.50
10. Laying in hot bubble bath, envisioning tomorrow being a better day, PRICELESS

Thelma and Louise

My Louise is back from Mexico, she was away for a week, she and a
friend made a deal whoever won the contest at work would take the other
on the trip, if either of them one of course won, and they did! Off to
Mexico they went.
She coined us Thelma and Louise early on in our 6 year friendship as we each bring out the craziness in each other that can make us double over laughing or even worse begging the other to stop long enough so that we run to the bathroom and empty our bladders rather than add more humor to the already out of control situation. I am thinking ifwe were born a generation earlier we may be Carrie and Samantha from
Sex In the city and I of course would be Carrie, (the writer wanna be
claiming Carrie), and she Samantha as she is always has an eye for the
men. As it is we were not born a generation early and Thelma and Louise,well they are a great fit.
Louise can pretty much say anything to me and I her, we developed a bond rather quickly and we have lives that run pretty darn parallel and met at the same job. While working , we carpooled together and that is where she developed an appreciation for my driving and I an appreciation of her backseat driving, not that
at times it has not been warranted. Let's just say " Oopsy" is the word I use when I get a little too close to a mailbox, it happens pretty frequently as I am an animated story teller, even when driving, and I talk and drive a lot! Louise's most frequent driving comment to me is " Do you think you need to be THAT close to the car in front of you?" followed by a deep husky laugh. Before you fear driving in my State,
Massachusetts, I must interject here I have never ( knocking on my wood
desk) been in a car accident and I have been driving for almost 30
years now).
Louise is deep husky with a rasp voice comes from years of smoking, and she has taken a lot of abuse for that habit of hers and she is ready to quit. I know this as upon my last lecture to her she told me so. She set a date and it was the day she returned from Mexico, so imagine my surprise when I asked her about it yesterday while making lunch plans for today and she responded with, " Thelma, I have set a
date, and I have a plan, and that is all I am going to say about it." Ouch! does that indicate the tone? " Ouch"
Louise has been my biggest cheerleader. She has laughed with me over not finding any undies that stay up over my shrinking derriere. Before I started this weight loss journey it was she who shared all my tears and chuckles over our weight.She unlike me can handle being overweight and dresses to accentuate all her positive and looks like a million bucks all the time, I on the other hand tried to blend, you might remember this post" Yeah You Blend"
It was Louise who was greeted by me, one morning, my turn to drive, crying as I
handed her her coffee when she climbed into the car. " What is wrong?"
she asked all full of concern, and was greeted with, " Sniff, I am so fat I can't get my arms around my back to fasten my Bra anymore." I laugh now, oh boy though, she laughed than and in her most sympathetic laugh she could muster said " I have not been able to do that for years,I can't believe you could, no wonder you always looks tired when you get here! " that was funny, you might have had to be there, but she also graciously told me the trick of fastening in the front and turning the
bra to the back and sliding the girls in, must admit my mornings became easier!
Back to the tone, I am thinking being her cheerleader for quitting smoking is going to require some thick skin, and I never having smoked so I may lack the skills to understand this one. Lunch today hopefully not,

I have been thinking about " What My True Calling " is for awhile, long
before the November issue of Oprah's magazine came out, asking that
exact question. I am a great believer that we all have a true
calling, but not a great believer that we all find or follow it. For a
myriad of reasons, all revolving around life and responsibilities I lost
sight of what my true calling really is.
Being a single mom for 20ish years my monetary support of my daughters deemed what I would do for work. Something I hardly blog about is that I was laid off many
months ago and struggling to find work back in the field I was in,
Sales. No surprise that the work search has been difficult.. I have
worked a part time job for a Landscaper and that really fueled my desire
to find my " True Calling". I have pretty much realized that that will
mean a significant loss in income and I am good with that. My
responsibilities have significantly changed and I can afford to take
care of myself financially with less, especially while taking care to
nourish my soul with the enjoyment of incorporating what I love to do
with what pays the bills. I know in this country and these economical
times, I may be working full time for the next 30 years and I want that
time to be as enjoyable as possible.
This looking for my True calling is a huge realization for me, one that would not have happened had I not started my journey of Weight loss, as in my last post, I wrote
about how numb I was to my own feelings, wants and needs. I have lost
Weight, and yes that was the goal, but what I never knew is how much I
would gain along the way. I feel good, and not just physically, the
slowly peeling the layers of pounds has revealed me to myself, and
allowed me to explore who I am and how I got here and where I am going
now.
I am artistic, and that makes sitting in an office for 40-45
hours a weeks seem like torture, I hated it, never felt it much though
as when that feeling surfaced I ate it away. I just kept doing it. Forty
nine pounds ago, I would not have had he physical strength or mental
clarity to apply for a job that would require me to be on my feet all
day, outside working in the elements, allowing me to work with flowers
and design.
This is just the beginning of the new life my Weight
loss journey is unveiling for me, my True Calling may or may not be
working in a Garden Center or Landscape company, it may be penning a
novel, but whatever it will be it will be determined by me and my
thoughts, feelings, something that I was so unaware about at the
beginning of this journey.

Why I started this Journey

Thursday, November 11, 2010
Post Image I have been reading a lot of my early blog posts, I was searching for an answer as to why I would have joined Weight Watchers on Dec 26th instead of Jan 1st like a lot of people do, I did not find it written in my words, I found some interesting posts, but not the answer to that question (bdoggqueenh- This answer has been prompted by you, thank you for the revisit, I needed it )
I know the answer though, I thought maybe I had blogged it,but in hindsight it may have been too emotional for me too have put it in writing for all to see. It was fear. I was so afraid of what kind of damage I would do to myself between the day I decided I was going to lose this weight and the day I was going to start the program. I was out of control with my eating and drinking, and any indulgent habit I had that helped me numb how I was feeling, more accurately how I was hurting. 261 pounds of raw emotional pain that was being numbed not felt. I feared that I would not live to see my Granddaughters life unfold, I feared my mother whom I was a caretaker for would have to see another child go before her, and I feared leaving my daughters motherless. That fear over shadowed my desire to numb my feelings and I am so thankful for that
There are 6 days between Christmas and New Years Day, and I knew they would be six days of what I used to refer as " The Last Supper " I would eat and drink anything not nailed down, live life in excess in preparation for what I assumed would be the denial of anything I enjoyed until I had lost all my weight. In hindsight I was saving my life by joining on the 26th because on any given day before that I could have quite accidentally killed myself with my choices. I am not syaing the alcohol, I drank in excess yes, but I mean caloric wise. I was a mess, I had severe sleep apnea, Gerd, daily chest pains , high blood pressure, I could not walk 25 ft without a low wheezy whistle sound emitting from my airways. All that said if you asked me how I was, I would say " I am fine, everything is good with me, no worries."
Clearly everything was not Ok!. So fear motivated me and I can honestly say once I committed to this journey I have not looked back.
Once I decided I was going to take off this weight, full knowing it meant that I would have to feel my feelings and work through them and that I had some pretty
rough times ahead, I told people, to keep me accountable. Those around me knew I was going to try and tackle my weight again, whether they believed it or not I do not know, as they like me had been here before. In my heart I knew this time was different but it took many months before I feel others did.
While reading my past blog posts to see if I could find what I had written, I came across an entry on how hurtful others were to me while I was at my heaviest and it is a tool for me now. A very unkind nasty comment made off the cuff by a man that I hardly have contact with anymore as I realize part of taking care of me in this journey is staying away from people who are toxic in nature, whenever I can, for whatever
their reasons are for their toxicity if it is avoidable I avoid as it does not add to my life to surround myself with negativity. When I read this now, I see how far I have come, as even as I posted about the comment in January, in this post part two of one below I still can feel those words today, feel I said feel, I cried that day, and I have cried since, but even on that day I did not numb it, my mind had been made up to change that behavior.
This journey has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I so committed to it, I see now that it is essential to me being the best person I can possibly be. It has brought me closer to family members, and has taught me to distance myself from those that are toxic.

Today is going to be a hard day I can feel it already, I have an under current of frustration and doubt running through me. Lo and behold it is about my nemesis.
nem·e·ses \-ˌsēz\ a : one that inflicts retribution or vengeance b
: a formidable and usually victorious rival or opponent ...otherwise known to me as "The Scale" I am asking myself when will I ever be 100% free from this guy, yes I have personalized an inanimate object. Work with me here, because I feel like I am onto something. By personalizing the scale and giving him a name, like " Roland" for example maybe I can do what must be done.
I have been visiting Roland several times a week, ok,ok,daily and I feel he is like a bad boyfriend, he brings me no pleasure and actually drains me of my energy and can take away any good feelings I may have had before gracing myself with his presence. I have worked out four times this week, and will again today and all
Roland has to say is " sorry not good enough, not moving!" I explain that I have eaten well all week, lots of fruits and vegetables, tracked , counted every bite, generally a great example of what a Weight Watcher member should do, and what do I hear " Sorry, not moving." He teased me once or twice by showing me that he moved and that I would hit my weight loss goal for the week, but in true Roland fashion he than showed me he just might derail me and move up and add a pound in.
Roland is abusive to me and he must go, so maybe I should treat him like a toxic relative instead of a boyfriend that I want to spend time with, because if he were toxic relative I would take the advice of a professional and visit maybe once a week. See what he has to say, keep the good and disregard the rest so long as I knew in my heart that I am doing everything right and that the comments and negativity I was getting in return is Roland's issue not mine.
I am glad I worked that out...phew, so here is the rub, " Roland I will be by tomorrow morning to see what you have to say, and after that I am taking a week off, and will continue to do what I do, eat well, work out, and move along my journey of weight loss, without you derailing me with your negativity! I will come back and see you weekly and in the meantime you must go live somewhere else until I can get over you and this terrible toxic relationship" I feel better already.

Sweet Sixteen

I woke up to sleet, wind and cold weather, arghhh,,,,Sleet!!?? Really,,, Can we have our first snow first, as that brings some beauty with the cold. I guess that is what I am really looking for is the beauty of the change of seasons, it is a well established fact that I hate the cold. Hating the cold does not keep me from loving the snow, weird huh?
My mood was feeling set for the day, I needed to do something to change that, and I knew if I could find some good in my weigh loss journey that might do it. A positive so to speak as the day will be long, sleet and cold in all . I have to get a work out in, and that will not happen without intense effort, and my effort does not happen when I lose sight of the progress and last week the scale has been making me lose sight of the progress.
I decided to go out on a limb and try the one pair of size 16 jeans I have left over from days gone by. Last time I tried them about a month ago, they went up but could not zip, so they went back to the recess of bottom drawer of my bureau. Today they fit! , okay let's revisit that statement, today the zipper zipped and I see that I can wear a Size 16! I am going to revel in that for a little while, I went from a Size 22 to a Size 16 in 11 months time, most likely I was a size 24 but I refused to buy that size as I was heartbroken by the weight I had reached, instead I squeezed into a Size 22 or more often than not wore elastic waisted pants that grew with me.( attractive picture I am painting, NOT)
Despite the scale playing hard to get with me, the inches are disappearing and that is what I needed today to stay the course. I am not wearing the size 16 as because they zip does not mean they fit comfortably. gone are my days of wearing clothes so tight I am uncomfortable. I am pleased they fit, but I want to feel good about how I look and that does not happen when I feel material stretching and cutting into me. Fitting and feeling comfortable are not always the same, but I see that they will feel comfortable soon enough.They fit better than they did a month ago and even if the scale is stalling at the moment the progress can show itself in other ways.
So I can not change the weather but I can change how I feel about it, I can change me, I have changed me, and that change has been pervasive to my whole life, I keep looking for the bright side, I keep pushing myself to do what I did not think I could, I have changed my body and my mind has followed, and for that I am grateful! Sweet 16!! Bring on the sleet, wind, cold., I can handle it, sounds like the workout will be at the gym, tonite about 7:30 and followed by hot shower and steambath to warm me up and make the weather seem insignificant!

I am so excited!

I am a great guesser when it comes to surprises, gifts wrapped packages,
clues of any kind I can usually figure things out immediately.
A quick but telling story is one my ex Mother In Law ( she still loves me
and refers to me as " Her Jennifer", so there is one more great gift I
received from an otherwise bad marriage, she and my girls) . Anyways
back to the story. As she tells it you can not surprise me with
anything. She came over one Christmas all pleased with my gift, it was
wrapped and she gave me no hint as to what it was as past experience had
taught her one hint and BAM! I knew. She was feeling pretty pleased
and she put the gift under the tree and said I could even shake it, and
try and figure out what it was, something not usually allowed as my
family wants to surprise me, and they know I will guess.
Now for me, letting me touch it and rattle and roll it is the first clue, this
is not breakable, so I went forward picked up the rectangular heavy gift
wrapped present and moved it once to and fro and with glee said " Fire
Extinguisher" and yup I was right, instantly the look on her face told
me I was right. Without giving up my secrets, I will tell you I am no
Houdini, but I do listen and retain things and know what is important
information and what is not. This is one example of many and now much to
my chagrin, presents for me do not go under the tree until an hour
before we open!
Back to my excitement, this is an easy puzzle. Last
night I went online and went to my good friend Google and started
researching what may be clue to the New Weight Watchers plans and I came
up with this article.http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2010/11/03/131045690/new-british-weightwatchers-plan-encourages-the-splurge
After reading it, I was hopeful that points on some of my more consumed food
would be changing and for the better and but even more exciting would be
that most Fruits and Vegetables would have no points attached at all!!
AT ALL!! I am a fruit and vegetable eater and striving to be a clean
eater, eliminating most if not all processed foods from my diet, Splenda
have no fear, I have not found a substitute for you yet, and my coffee
is key to me being a fun loving kind of girl.
Now this morning in my email and probably in yours as well is a notice from Weight Watchers stating that on NOV 29th Weight Watchers will change they way I think
about Fruit and Vegetables. I am going out on a ledge here, but I think I know what that means, and I am so excited!! Just when I thought the program could not get any better there is all indications that it truly getting better!! Yay for Us all.....if I am right of course, but like I said when it comes to guessing surprises, I am pretty
confident... I mean seriously I guessed a Fire Extinguisher and 25 years
later the story is still told.

Throwing Away Food

I have been throwing away a fair amount of food these days, and I just did it again. Somewhere in the recess of my head I hear " There are starving children in Ethiopia( insert whatever country your mom used) ,,,,,," I heard that a lot growing up, as I am sure a lot of us did. As a child I like many always wanted to offer back " than please send it to them." Common sense prevailed though as my mother was a hot head and believed in corporal punishment and had the fasted backhand in the Northeast.
Today is a different story though, the food I am throwing away can not be shipped or sent to a food pantry, I would do that as we all know the starving children reside in our very own country now. The food I am throwing out is food that I bought or cooked thinking I would like it, but I do not, and being wasteful to me now is , eating something I do not like or enjoy it is wasting my points and wasting my efforts.
From previous posts if you read or follow them, I am a self proclaimed Chocolate lover and every day I have a piece. I count the points and I keep the chocolate in my desk drawer and have many different bars opened at a time. Last week I bought a Lindt Dark Chocolate with orange. Well, I have eaten half the bar at three different times and it is not for me, just not something I enjoy and today I just threw it away. Half of a $3.99 bar of chocolate in the trash. My efforts, of tracking, intense gym workouts, meal planning, exercising with Jillian in front of a TV wielding a kettle bell, are worth the $3.99. This is a big revelation for me, and as much as I hate to be wasteful I know that for me and my healthy relationship with food. I need to stop eating when I am full, eat because I am hungry and eat what I enjoy and not eat for others, or because I spent money on the food and do not want to be wasteful. Reality is now the same as it was as child, because I do not eat it, it can not be shipped and it will not help any starving child in whatever country, even our own. Learning to take care of me will give me the strength and knowledge to be able to help others. This said I am not going to let myself feel guilty or make anyone else feel guilty for not eating something they do not like, I get it.
Now about the chocolate, I am loving that one piece satisfies me, and that the better the chocolate the smaller piece I can eat and still be satisfied. For any other chocolate lovers out there, Dark is my favorite and I have found a great new ( new to me) chocolatier that just makes me heart sing http://www.lakechamplainchocolates.com/Chocolate/Chocolate-Candy-Bars.aspx

" Dough Boys "

I am reading a lot of posts about the holidays as it seems Halloween is the gate for the upcoming Holiday Season and I too started to let my head go there, as this season I still have weight to lose. I decided to not be freaked out.
My first thought was about my families traditional Christmas morning meal. I grew up and I can confidently say every Christmas from the time I was eating solid food was that of a concoction known in my house as " The Dough Boy"
Upon some research I see that the name is not just a family name and an actual name for a the fried doughy treat that graces my table and every relative of mine on my Mom's side of the family as far back as I and my elder siblings remember. What comes to mind when I mention to people the " Dough Boys" is the white chubby pop in fresh Pillsbury guy, but that is not the picture I get. My dough boys are golden brown pieces of bread dough, that have been left out over night to rise and then fried in a Cast Iron skillet that has been three quarters filled with Crisco ( That white soft lard comes in a big round can). Once cooked they are placed on a plate layered with paper towels to abosrb any extra grease, which I know that is laughable! We all get to choose our own toppings and speaking for myself, I ignore the sugar and cinnamon, and go right for the butter. All across my family this is happening Christmas morning and knowing that is so comforting, it is connectivity like no other. I have 6 siblings with entirely different lives and they have children of their own that have since moved out and had families of thier own, and yes you guessed it, if they are not returning Christmas morning for this ritual, it is playing out in their own homes. I love that thought, that feeling and that experience and I for one am not changing it this year. That is not a statement of defiance, it is what I love about Weight Watchers program, I do not have to change that. I may not have fun calculating the points for one of those " Dough Boys" but I can and I will, and I will love eating it, even if it sets like lead in my belly, and oh it does!
Yes, I have seen the articles that say 7-15 pounds of weight can be gained over the holidays but I can assure you that was not my 120 pounds, mine was gained over 365 days of bad choices and no activity times many years.. I have worked really hard to change that and it is happening, and will continue and so can everyone's else s. The Dough Boys stay on the menu, the mindless eating is out. I will pick my battles, I will eat what I want, but will pass on polite eating IE: Sisters cookies that I do not really like, but eat because I do not want to hurt her feelings, Candy on co-workers desks, ect.
Another thing I will remember is not only are the malls open but so is the Gym, the gym does not close down over the holidays.
As always I have been googling and I love this article, it will help me maintain my weight if not still lose. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/heart/prevention/nutrition/holidayeating12_01.aspx

Cold intolerant

Cold Intolerance-Many patients notice that they feel “cold” after they begin losing weight. This is due to a change in metabolism and a loss of insulating body fat.

I found this description of what I have been complaining about on a bariatric surgery site. I do not want to actually complain about anything in regards to my weight loss, but this is a serious problem for me and has been since the first cool day blew in last month. My friends and family who have been discounting my general belief that I am cold due to losing my fat insulation and this is after losing 48 pounds, I still have 72 to go! I actual find myself hoping for a pre-menapausal hot flash, but alas in true fashion they left with the summer months.
Dear boyfriend is truly the winner here as I tell you I can not wait for him to climb in bed and warm up my feet and other things as I just can not get or stay warm, let's just say there is truth to babies being born nine months later following any cold snap or large snowstorm. Despite him reaping many benefits he is also the least likely to believe that losing weight has anything to do with the fact that I am COLD all the time now. I think he wants to go with he is just irresistible and who am I to burst that bubble.
Today I have spent a lot of time, reading about ways to keep warm in the winter months, and I have found some great ideas and here is a few if you too find yourself with my new dilemma.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2165825_dress-warm-winter.html
I like this site as it actually addressed dressing warm for outside fitness, something at this point I am not sure is going to happen with me!
To combine solutions to some concerns I also went on LL Bean and ordered a new jacket and warm socks and my first piece of silk underwear ( of the thermal nature) to see if I can find someway to get through the upcoming cold months without becoming a recluse.
I can assure you that I have not decided to add the weight back on and I will continue to lose the remaining 72 pounds of insulation, I mean weight, but it will not be without a lot of hot tea, warm mittens, maybe even fleece lined jeans ( saw them on LL Bean Site!). I welcome any other great ideas of how to stay warm as it will be a long New England winter for me and moving South is not an option!

I was on a ledge this morning.

I was on a a ledge this morning and there was no talking me off. I was disappointed and angry and petulant., I still am a little petulant, mostly because I like the word though.
"What happened you may ask? " and a one word answer " NOTHING!" no weight loss, and add insult to injury I got this message from Weight watchers when I logged my no weight loss week, Thanks for tracking your weight. Are you satisfied with your weight this week? If yes, keep doing what you’ve been doing. If not, look back at your Tracker and see where you might make some adjustments.
Best of luck and see you next week! " Do I sounds satisfied!!, oh yeah that is right you can not hear me."

" Whatever, talk to my hand " I checked the week, not that I had too, as I know I have stepped up everything, my exercise, tweaked my eating and for Pete's sake it was Halloween week and I had no Halloween Candy.
I stopped short of stomping my feet, and when I went to my mom's to set up her medicines for the week I was still pouting and borderline obnoxious.
Somewhere between my mother's and back home I decided to go to the gym and work off my attitude as I am babysitting today and that granddaughter of mine deserves my best. Than I packed my gym bag as I decided I was having a steam bath today after my workout. I have wanted to use the steam bath from the first day I joined the gym back on March and have been too self conscious to do it. I worked out and showered, took my Steam bath and I feel great! I realized I have had some weeks of great loss's and typically my body does that, lose, lose, lose, maintain, a little rhythm thing it has going, but I am good, I am not too self conscious to take a steam bath, Heck, I chose the gym to adjust my attitude instead of my old friends Ben And Jerry and their famous Heath Bar Crunch!
"What do I have to be disappointed about?? " like I said though I like the word petulant, I may let that linger awhile.
Fifty pounds will be lost just not today...

Ouch!

Last night I as I climbed into bed, I muttered " Ouch " for the 50th time yesterday, and I am starting all over again. I woke up feeling my thighs, quite frankly they may have woke me up! This is the direct result of a Kettle bell Workout DVD and a Women named Jillian. Great Workout! I definitely worked my muscles.
On a spur of the moment purchase I bought another workout DVD. Typically, or should I say in the past. I have not been a fan of working out with DVD's as my coordination lacks something, looking for a word for it, Grace, Balance, the ability to figure left from right in a split second. Nonetheless I thought it is time to do some weight exercises and I am not ready to tackle the gym weights quite yet. I have the Leslie Sansone and that is a great DVD to get a quick walk in when I can not otherwise get one, plus it amuses my Granddaughter to watch her Mimi, and she loves to join in.
Back to the spur of the moment purchase, and my inability to walk or sit or climb in bed with out an "OUCH!"
I bought the http://www.dietsinreview.com/diets/jillian-michaels-shred-it-with-weights/ Sunday and lo and behold, I did not get to walk my scheduled exercise and thought this is perfect I will try it out. First let me say, for anyone else like me who is a little challenged with coordination, this DVD is very doable, and that was my first instant like to it. Jillian is Jillian and if you are not familiar with her, be prepared to be guided through, or maybe I should say strong armed through an intense effective workout that will make you sweat and I am assured you will burn calories! I will be shopping for a Kettle bell today as I used a free weight but feel that the Kettle bell would be easier for the moves she has you do. It was Cardio and weight combined as my thighs can attest too.
I am finding more and more ways to add exercise in and I am also learning that things I may have not liked on my first, second, third, or billionth attempt at weight watchers over the years, I have found I am more receptive too, so if I had a piece of advice to give today it would be " Be willing to try different forms of exercise, even if you did not like it in the past, just like your food choices and tastes can changes so can your preference for activity".
Grrr,,,,have to get up and shower now, " OUCH!"

90 Seconds

So the couch to 5k , first impression..... 90 seconds can be the longest of your life, that is the 90 I am running, boy those 90 seconds went by way to quick, yup you guessed it, the 90 seconds I walk.
My goal for November is to stay on point with the running idea,as well as the schedule my exercise.
I ended October with 6 pounds lost, I weigh in Wednesday morning but it will be counted as my November weight loss, and I want to see 8 pounds for November.
December 26th is my year anniversary for starting this weight loss journey and I want to be halfway there. I can do this, I know I can. 60 pounds is my halfway point.
If I lost 2 pounds this week, I hit 50 pounds, gone but not forgotten.

That's all I have for today.

"Oh Yeah, You Blend "

For years and years that famous quote escaped me, I had never heard it until one day a very good friend, said it aloud to me, and when she heard I never watched the movie " My Cousin Vinny" where the quote originated from, she insisted I that I do. I watched it and recommended it for a day you need some mindless chuckles. I can not think about blending in to any situation where I do not hear that line from the movie and think of my friend and smile.
I am thinking about blending a lot lately especially as I have started to incorporate running into my exercise regime.
I have tried and most times successfully to just blend in with the crowd. Until I hit my heaviest weight I always could just blend, and I liked that, never wore flashy clothes even if a particular flashy item really caught my eye, nope not me. The reason being was I was never wanted to draw attention, clearly tied to self esteem issues, and feeling not good enough or that somehow my extra weight made me feel less than. It is more complicated than that though as the reasons I have been overweight has been tied to that same feeling, so that I know is where the real work or weight loss and maintaining my weight loss will come from, resolving that "stuff".
Back to the running though, it reminds me when I first went to the gym and how i just wanted to be invisible, I searched for the treadmill that had the least amount of foot traffic around it. I wanted an outfit for the gym that covered everything yet did not look like a Hawaiian Moo that was sure to get snagged on treadmill and make me look like one Jillian's treadmill floppers from the Biggest Loser. Four months later, I do not even worry about that anymore. I am on most days not heaviest lady there, but more importantly I am strong and making it through my workout and have lost weight, it is working, and I feel good about me.
I have found a track at the local Community College and it is pretty close by, which is good as I go there at 5 ish early evening in the hopes that as it is dusk nobody will be around, or very few people as I want " to blend", I can get my 40 minutes in just as it is getting dark, I would run in the dark if it were not unsafe!
It is the fear of standing out that clearly is making me the most uncomfortable about the running. To me success with running will be more about feeling comfortable and not that I can run more than 90 seconds and have to so stop and walk 90 seconds it will be when " blending" is not a thought and I will only be running at dusk because I had no other available time!