Who am I ?

There are opportunities in going through the every day mundane steps of life that can tell a perfect stranger who you are, or more correctly begin to tell stranger who you are. I feel blogging is like that. With the exception of a few friends who follow my blogs I have been blessed to have found friends whom just know me from my posts.
There are a lot of bloggers doing thirty day blog posts and I find them very interesting and I definitely am learning things about my new found friends, yet I can not seem to join in, I know that once I make that commitment it will seem like pressure and I may not keep up. See right there is a detail about me.
Today forty five miles North of Boston it is below 9 degrees with wind chill in the negative twenty. There is a one hundred year old family house that had been completely refurbished two years ago that I reside in, I live in the first floor with my boyfriend and two cats! When I moved here my twenty three year old daughter and her 1 year old moved with me, we had relocated from a two bedroom condo in an old Victorian house less than a mile away. I loved the condo in that Victorian, love old houses period. My daughter had returned from college with a baby and we needed more room so we moved, and in less than eighteen months that had imploded and now I live in a big three bedroom apartment with boyfriend and two cats! I often post about my granddaughter and my daughters and the situation imploded but we do maintain a relationship as that is who we are, we can disagree and still love each other and be there for each other. My granddaughter has her own room all set up and she stays with me about twice a week, I am blessed that way.
The details of how I deal with the cold are pretty telling to who I am, I awoke to the hum of the small electric heater blowing hot air at my side of the bed, I am half covered with blankets yet my feet are uncovered and I am scrambling for my bathrobe that is beside the bed, so that in case of fire I am never that naked woman that the firefighters have to wrap a blanket around. I want to be warm but hate feeling bound by clothes or blankets when I sleep. It is seven am, DBF has left for work already, I heard him earlier as he was closing the door behind him, I also heard the sound of him tossing rock salt on the front steps, and chatting with the neighbor upstairs as she loaded her three boys, 9, 7 and 5 into their SUV. My feet hit the tiles in the kitchen outside my bedroom and I decide to wrap them in some soft plushy socks before headed to the coffee maker. The bathroom is toasty warm, I had kept the door shut all night as explained to me the billionth time by DBF, the heating vent is the first off the oil burning heating system in the cellar and it gets the first push of heat and when the door is shut it makes the bathroom feel like a sauna and there is one room in the house to retreat too when the chill is clinging to the air in all the other rooms. Thinking about my love of old houses I wonder how that can be when I so hate the cold, it is such a contradiction as I have yet to find a draft free old house and I have lived in many. Leaving the bathroom, and grabbing my coffee I head to my office where I am trying this post. I think about all the houses I have lived and feel that my love began in the home I grew up in, less than 10 miles away in a small town along the river. The town is unaffordable to me now, as it has been developed with new subdivisions where open fields once were, the older homes have been redone much like the Victorian condo I lived in, and even the two family home I grew up in with my six siblings has been turned into two expensive condos that are unaffordable to me. That house was where I spent the first thirteen years of my life, a three bedroom apartment. My mother and father shared the a room, their five daughters in the other and their two sons in the small back bedroom, that you had to walk through the girls room too. That is how it was until my dad died when I was nine
I grew up poor for the first thirteen years of my life, not modest, like I would describe now, but poor,it was apparent to me early on in my life that we were poor as we lived in an an affluent town. I was never without food, or without heat or without anything, I ate, and I knew if I put something on my plate I had best eat it, and I knew we ate was for supper without complaint, no second choices and no hesitations. I knew the money for food was hard to come by, and that at times my Grandfather would dig clams from the clam flats as that was the only way. I was always warm and had clothes, they were never new clothes and being number 4 of five girls they were very worn.
Thinking back and getting back to how cold it is right now, I found myself thinking about that home I grew up in and how the upstairs was always cold and after climbing out of bed, we would head down the stairs and at the base of the stairs to the left separating the hall and the living room was a large metal grate four feet by two feet wide where the furnace would blow hot air up into the house. We kids would take turns straddling the furnace and feeling the hot air blow our hair and warm us from our toes to the tip of our noses. Those grates were dangerous though, my little sister whom is almost forty now, still bares the scar on her foot when she was just under two and the gate that usually stood between the hall and that grate was not up, she with bare feet walked across the grate and burned her feet badly. It was awful and reason why those grates no longer exists I am sure, as they were dangerous,but in my memory and in this cold streak, I miss that grate and the feeling of warmth you got by standing over it.
So this morning, after my coffee I forced myself to get dressed as I had to go set up my Mom's pills for the week, she has late stage Parkinson's Disease and a host of other ailments and is unable to set them up herself, this is our routine, I set the pills up once a week, I check in daily by phone and try to have coffee with her four or five times a week, she looks forward to it and on some level so do I. I am usually in and out before her husband wakes up and I have to play nice. I layer my clothes on, in the bathroom that feels like a sauna, and than warm up my car, whom I call Betsy, I have a habit of naming inanimate objects. The car warms up and I prepare a care package of sorts, the stuffed pepper soup I made yesterday. She taught me to cook and she fed a family of nine, and we cook large, so I will be handing this soup out like Halloween Candy to anyone who wants it, rather than freeze it. The car has been warming and I pull my coat on, my hat ( my daughter knitted me a hat for Christmas, I love it!) grab her soup and balance my pocket book and my coffee and head out the door. I drink my coffee from a favorite ceramic mug and that travels with me, it is not a travel mug, I am not a fan of the plastic or stainless steel, so I rather drive balancing my favorite ceramic mug. appropriate to how I am thinking I adjust the radio to hear The House that Built me, sung by Miranda Lambert
Onward I go, listening to a favorite song, tapping my fingers beneath my lavender mittens, planning my day, Mom, come home, write for awhile and hit the gym, and by 3:30 I will be picking up my granddaughter and we will have fine night together. I am a simple girl and happy with that, and getting smaller I might add :)

Weight Watchers Message boards, and Blogs

After my my bad experience with my gym's Private Training Company and their hard sell approach to training I was left with many questions regarding my current work out schedule. I may have escaped buying a package from them, and I was assertive about how I did it, I was still left feeling like I was somehow lacking on my own program.
Part of my make up is that I can easily be undermined and easily doubt my skills in life, and changing that is a lifelong process and I am know it is also part of my weight struggle. I work hard on this, without going into details that are not helpful to relive I stayed in a very bad marriage for many years due to this trait so it is imperative for my mental and physical health to always be aware of that trait and make adjustments to my thinking when I see it creeping back in.
So after the whole trainer meeting and me feeling like I was in over my head and questions like " Am I wasting my time on the treadmill for an hour 4 days a week, same speed and elevation? " " Should I be lifting weights? " How do I get Started?" " Should I just give up?" Now I know the answer to one of those questions, hands down, NO, I SHOULD NOT GIVE UP. That last question is the old mindset and there is no room for that anymore. The other questions are real and while showering yesterday morning ( where my best thinking happens) it occured to me that every question I have had thus far on this weight loss journey has been answered here on these blogs, or in message boards or articles, all I had to do is Ask.
Ask I did, I went on the message board of Women's Fitness and asked my questions and got a lot of great answers and suggested books New Rules of Lifting for Women or Female Body Breakthrough. I am going to spend some time today reading and finding ways to implement some changes to my work outs at the gym as a result. A real lesson I would like to pass along is the answers to our questions are often right at our fingertips and we really just have to ask! There is so many successful Weight loss stories in these blogs, message boards and all over this site and the community part and the reaching out to share information is amazing! While showering it occurred to me that I am still only half using the tools at my fingertips, that is going to change and my guess is it will help me get to the other half of my weight loss and than the other part of the journey begins, keeping myself at lifetime.
This post is a big " Thank you!" and a big suggestion to all to " Reach Out and ask Questions" of each other as we are truly in this journey together and the shared gratitude and shared information makes it that much easier and even enjoyable!

My Heaviest

I saw a friend this weekend and she was going on and on about how good I looked and instead of a gracious " Thank You " I went on about the cake I ate and how worried I was about gaining. She quickly straightened me out, and asked me if I had a picture of me at my heaviest and that I need to find one and put it up to remind myself how far I have come. Those pictures are hard to find as I have said before I was a pro at avoiding the camera.
I did find one it was the October before I started in December of 2009, it was with me at my Granddaughter's second Birthday she is being held by her Great Grandfather and I am standing next to them. It is a great visual for me as I truly see the difference and I think I will take her advice and hang it in a prominent place as I need to be reminded that this is going to take some time, but it is going to happen! I am almost half way at my goal and however long it takes is how long it takes.
It is so easy for me to get sidetracked with the I want to lose it all now way of thinking, I am grateful that I can lose weight and still live and enjoy celebrations and yet be able to see success on and off the scale.
So here is the picture of me at my heaviest, 261 pound, I will make copies and post it on my refrigerator and keep it at my desk as well, as a reminder of where I started and how far I have come and where I am going

The Birthday Girl Ate Cake

I had a great Birthday and a Great Birthday Dinner. My Boyfriend took me out to a really nice Restaurant that I had been wanting to try downtown. We parked about half a mile away as the parking downtown is tough especially with all the snow we just got last week. It was a beautiful but cold night but the walk was nice and it felt good to not be out of breath.
The restaurant was just opening as we arrived so no wait. I decided that there would be no appetizers as I had cake awaiting at my daughters after dinner. I had a dijon mustard coated tilapia, grilled , served over lobster risotto with grilled asparagus spears. A glass of wine, and forcacia bread dipped in olive oil. Phenomenal is the word to describe the meal. A glass of wine and my boyfriend asked them to read the desserts even though we knew we were having cake soon. So..... he ordered a Pineapple Neapolitan ( he could not resist). It was two vanilla wafers, warm, very crisp and just cooked, fresh pineapple slice that had been caramelized and a layer of custard and than repeated served with fresh whipped cream. I had three bites...and it was the best dessert I had had in a LONG time. We left vowing to return again and again.
My daughter's had carrot cake for me and try as I may, there is no way to count that as a vegetable for zero points. I passed on any icecream and made it through the night with just one piece.
When I got home I felt like the little girl in the Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory who blew up to the over sized blueberry and thought my boyfriend should roll me to the bedroom!! I used 29 of my 49 weeklies!! What occurs to me as I type this is, this is how I used to eat every day before I got serious about my health. I can not imagine that anymore, I woke up with a food hangover this morning. and most of the reason was the desserts, because the actual meal was prepared healthy by my most standards.
What happens today and the rest of the week that determines how well I am or am not going to recover from my Birthday Meal. The cake came home with me, half a carrot cake that is in my refrigerator for a brief time as I called a friend and she is coming to get the rest, she has a house full of kids in and out and they will make short work of that! Five days at the gym this week and careful eating the rest of the week should verify what I already know it is not one meal, or one day it is the sum of the everyday that makes this program work!

The trainer fiasco

My kids have heard me say for years " There is no such thing as a Free Kitten" and they get it, and I say it , so obviously I get it, I mean that there is an automatic assumed cost, when you take on the responsibility of an animal, food, vet care, shelter ect.
Yesterday was my " Free " analysis with a a trainer that approached me at my gym. I have since learned that my gym hosts a Training company rather than hire their own trainers. What that meant to me yesterday was I had an appointment with the equivalent of a high end Training Package that was using hard sell tactics that made me feel like I had done a few rounds in a boxing ring. The trainer whom approached me worked for the company and her manager was on hand within 10 minutes of sitting in her office.
My appointment was for 11;30 and we started off wrong from the get start. I saw her on the floor when I arrived ten minutes early and I let them know in the front that I was here and would work out on a treadmill until she finished with her client. She was with her client until Noon and when I decided to quietly knocked on the door and ask if she forgot our meeting, she blushed and stammered and asked me to please stay as she was just " Behind". In hindsight I should have said no, but how was I to know how the rest of this would play out.
When she got to me about ten minutes later and was apologizing profusely and in that apology telling me all about her prior client whom had called that day needing to get into training immediately as he had some heart issues requiring surgery and a Dr suggested he to a gym, she told me his BMI, and I asked that she stop as it was clearly horrified by the number which fifteen minutes later learned was mine as well. She told me things like " it is not so bad, thinking about it this way, at least you were here working on it." " We can fix this by teaching you to work smarter not harder"
" Had you started with this training, you might have been at your goal already"
Again I should have politely excused myself, but I did not and than did five rounds with her sales manager whom I believe may have started his career as an infomercial guy, and the only really nice thing I can muster is, he was good to look at, soon though I heard myself thinking " Pretty is as Pretty does " still I stayed feeling trapped and having numbers thrown at me like a car salesman would and throwing in free this and free that but you must sign today. The more I resisted the better the deals got and the weaker I felt. Throughout this, I was questioning my gym workouts, I heard them say I am not going to make my goals doing what I was doing, I needed the weight training, the guidance, THEM.....and just try us for nine months buy now, cancel within three days if you leave here and decided to not go with us. The free evaluation was not free if you do not sign on. " WHAT???" That is what I needed to hear and that is what gave me the strength to stand up and say, I am excusing myself, you have my information and send a bill if that is what you see fit, please know that I will fight that bill, and will bring it to the better business bureau if necessary, but I am leaving, and I did.
I am disappointed though. I had wanted a trainer, Jillian was dancing through my head, and they at this company may have great trainers but the whole experience with the hard sell turned me off. I also felt like I let them undermine my workouts and made me feel like I did not have a clue as how to lose this weight. After nursing my wounds for awhile I called my boyfriend whom really put it back in perspective, he said number one, let the gym owners whom prior to this experience you liked the gym, know how you were treated and how you feel. Than he said the obvious, you have lost over fifty five pounds, of course you can do this by yourself, by the way, I love that man. Than I searched for fitness questions on this site. I will use every tool I can get on here and not let this fiasco, derail me.

When I was a kid ( teen, young mom, ........)

On the heels of a twenty three inch snow storm, you might be thinking this is a post about, no snow days and walking to school six miles in the snow, carrying a shovel to shovel the stairs of the school before class. It is not!
When I was a kid, a teenager actually, I was overweight, imagine that?? Yes this has always been a battle for me. I am dating myself here, but as my birthday approaches I have been reflecting on all the years I debated the "do I have cake or no cake?" Unfortunately at the time, my Birthday is two weeks into January, or two weeks into my New Year's Resolution, and quite honestly the beginning of the end of any diet I had started. That was the past. On the eve of my Birthday here is my thoughts.
While thinking about all of this I got a little sidetracked in my thinking ( happens a lot, someone mentioned maybe I am pre-menopausal. Nope not me, "open the window please, Yes I know it is January!") Anyways I was thinking about all my dilemmas that being overweight has caused me and undoubtedly wearing clothes in the late seventies and mid eighties take the cake! Do you remember these days? Ok, if you are too young, Good for you!! If not here is some reminders, hightop reebok sneakers ( mine mint green for me ) stir up pants, leg warmers, How about the off the shoulder sweatshirt, ala flash dance style, but what really sticks in my mind is the jeans, Jordache, Calvin, Guess, acid washed and tight and as I remember a problem to get into!
I was desperate to fit in as any teenage girls is , that has not changed over the years, unfortunately the pressure has increased and not decreased. I wore all those clothes and I am happy to report that those pictures were destroyed in a flood of my basement last spring. What has never been destroyed though is the memories of me as a teenager just shy of One hundred and eight pounds trying to put on skinny jeans and having spandex in jeans was years away from being thought of. Here is what I would have to do, stand by bed, step into the jeans and, raise them to my hips, and than lay on bed and suck in belly, take deep breathe, ZIP! exhale. This method went on for approximately ten years, through the birth of my daughters, it ended on her third birthday, the year she received her first pair of jeans, and decided she could dress herself, she after years of watching me, took her littlle jeans and ran to her bed and yes you guessed it, proceeded to put on jeans just like mommy!! That was the end of me dressing in style, and the beginning of my sweat suit years, that continued for quite sometime. ( a post for another day).
So here I am again 30 years later and thinking " Do I have Cake or not? " and the answer is yes! I have cake, and I count all the points and I enjoy every bite and I rejoice that the internal battle I had over this for years is over and all the years prior have been crucial for me to get to this point now, I want remember and share the battle, laugh and sometimes cry and hope that I can pass along some great lessons as to lessen someone else's length of their internal struggle...

I Lift Things Up, I put Things down

My title of my post today is a new PLanet Fitness Commercial in my area, a must see!
My hopes is after meeting with a trainer I will be able to negotiate the gym witha little more intelligence than that!! We will see!
Yesterday was a great day for me, I again had a sixty minute workout on a treadmill at the gym, a fifteen minute mile with an elevation of ten, this is a push for me. I am sweating and definitely feeling it. The great part is going on in my head, I hit points where I see I have been doing this for forty five minutes and the little guy that lives on my shoulder says," enough, you can stop now, you did ok " and inside my head I know I need to do more to see more. I can remind myself what the goal is and that to be into onederland soon I need to really push myself. I do push myself as well as push that little guy on my shoulder off!
Twenty five minutes into my work out, despite the headphones, I hear someone beside me, asking me how my work out is going, I look over and it is a trainer at the gym. Pulling the ear buds out of my ears I attempt to talk, I am winded though and this is another good sign for me. The gym has at least eight trainers I have seen as I work out and in my head I have said when I am under two hundred it is time to seek one out and get some advice for the next part of my journey.
I am challenged with weights and machines and have had a trainer before, her name was Heather and my nickname for her was Hell Heather. I will need help negotiating through strength training but until I spoke with Abby ( yesterdays trainer who approached me) I thought I should wait until I have reached onderland seven pounds away. She would like me to meet and have a fitness evaluation and the gym is offering them free to members whom have not had one and have been a member for six months or more. That is me! Now I know that they are going to try and sell me a package, and I am ok with that as I am looking for some help and the timing is a little sooner but she brought up a great point, the next part of my weight loss will be harder as my body is on to me, it knows what I am trying to do and I need to constantly change up what I do to challenge it. This is not news to me in the exercise department I have been toying back and forth with different ways but when the cold weather came in, I just settled back into treadmill at the gym. I have elliptical fear, and weight bench phobia. Tomorrow morning at ten I meet with Abby. I am excited as I am certain that things happen for a reason, as I said there are eight trainers plus at the gym, and I am taking her approaching me around the same time as I have been contemplating this step is a great sign!

A Ramble as I ready for the snow

While I have been readying for the big snowstorm, yesterday I went to the gym earlier than my regular time ( trying to get extra Ap's in case the gym closes due to weather) and I will gain today. Usually I am there and walk through an hour of my favorite Soap Opera, General Hospital, but really just making it fifty minutes, at three the gym is very light in traffic. Yesterday I was there at ten and it was bustling! I found a single empty treadmill, and I quickly claimed it. I worked out for an hour intensely and it felt great, when the usual Fifty minutes came and I wanted to stop I asked myself this question" How much do you want to be under two hundred pounds?" I am close, eight pounds away, and my answer is " I really want to be under two hundred pounds, and I can do more on this treadmill." and I did. My original plan was to do fifty minutes and than twenty on the stair stepper, but I really want to master the sixty minutes on the treadmill, once I have mastered and realize I can do it, typically I will stick to it, I will add the Stair stepper as the week goes on. I read a great article in January/February Weight watchers magazine about adding stairs into your day and the benefits and I intend to try it.
Second stop of the day was to a small specialty grocery that carries a great selection of my single serving coffees and my favorite popcorn. If I am stuck in the house and the hungries come, I will be ready with popcorn! Nothing like eating popcorn and watching the snow come down, and down, and down,,,
Today is the best trip of all, the grocery store, we have a store on every corner and even if we were snowed in for a week, we all have cabinets filled with dry goods, refrigerators and freezers stocked, yet hint of a snow storm and suddenly the grocery stores look like they are giving away food for free, the parking lots jammed, the isles cramped and the shoppers, in a word. CRANKY.
I will be shopping for ingredients for a Beef Barley soup recipe I found in cooking light as well as Trying the slow cooker maple oatmeal recipe I have been eying every time I log on here.
I am thinking with my shoveling Ap's and my gym workouts and safe foods to snack on, this storm may stop traffic, keep kids home from school, but it will not stop me!
Ten extra minutes on the treadmill, five times a week is the equivalent of adding another work out a week!! Onderland, here I come,,,,,,

I Contradict

con·tra·dict (kntr-dkt)v. con·tra·dict·ed, con·tra·dict·ing, con·tra·dicts v.tr.1. To assert or express the opposite of (a statement).2. To deny the statement of. See Synonyms at deny.3. To be contrary to; be inconsistent with.v.intr.

" Oh the difference a day makes..." I admit. Yesterday I was low and the weather took some serious heat about it. Yes the Winter blues, I do believe they are creeping up on me and even saying that, I am feeling excited today like a little kid. We are looking at a Northeaster coming our way and I am in the 12-16 inches part of the forecast. Yes I said excited, I will be watching my granddaughter and we she loves the snow, so I may be cold and I may whine but I will take her out while I shovel, she has her own cute little pink one. The area blanketed in white snow is a sight to be seen and and it appears everything still for a few hours on my busy street and the only vehicles seen are big snow plows, the house seems cozier and the outside seems cleaner and for those few hours that the snow is fallen everything slows down and we can enjoy the nature induced down time.
I will watch the weather reports and keep looking at the predicted numbers and get excited an defeated as they rise in fall with the Doplar radar and at some point my mom will tell me ( every storm she says this)" I will will tell you how much snow we are gonna get....when it is over" LOL. she just thinks that is the funniest statement and I just think that she thinks it is...it is, she will be 80 in February.
Yesterday I was low and I came here and blogged and got some very good advice. Thank you. I also said I saw no beauty in the cold and later that night I was on Facebook and my brother in law had posted a picture from his backyard a cardinal huddled against the cold, it was/is beautiful and it lifted my mood. Cardinals for me have always been natures outward sign that all is going to be ok, actually Cardinals and deer. I am not sure how old I was when I first noticed the connection in my life, but within hours of any family death, traumatic incident or emotional crisis, I would see a cardinal or a deer and feel sudden peace, blockading myself inside was not conclusive to seeing either and than before I climbed in bed, I went on Facebook to check on something and there was the picture I have with my post, all is well.

When the Winter Blues hit

After writing this post I am headed to they gym, begrudgingly admittedly but off to the gym no less. I am not sure what has precipitated this overwhelming low mood but it could be the news of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords remains in critical condition, after yesterday's assassination attempt. I am a news junkie, always have been and this story just gets sadder by the minute. The 9 year old girl killed was born on Sept 11, she was born on a national tragedy and died as the result of another national tragedy. She was said to have been there as she had a genuine interest in politics and wanted to meet Rep. Gabrielle Giffords. This is all so heartbreaking and scary.
The Weather is gray and cloudy and cold, we have had dustings of snow every morning this weekend, and a Northeaster predicted for Wednesday, usually I see the beauty in the snow ( I never find beauty in the cold though) but today I can not, and everything just seems well, just bad. I have family drama which typically is normal but again I am just feeling overwhelmed by that too.
Typically I am not this low, I have been known to be called optimistic with a great attitude and I am glad to know that as it is helping me to put my feelings in perspective.
Yesterday despite recognizing that the scale did not move due to my own overeating in response to adding activity again, I was ok, ok with maintaining, ok with the family drama and deeply saddened by the news and at bedtime I included all the victims in my prayers that is all I could do.
I know today will pass and I am going to go with the fake it til you make it. I even googled Winter Blues to see what I could do and will definitely try the suggestions, but I needed to write it as well, as it is part of my journey. There is the the voice in my head that is trying to talk me out of the gym and into a nap. The same voice encouraging me to eat as it will make me feel better, trying to get me to believe that Macaroni and Cheese will help. Something about me has genuinely changed as I will tell you prior to this much Weight Watchers and all of your support here, the water would be boiling for the mac and cheese, I would crawl on the couch and watch the news, cry, and sleep.
My continued thoughts and prayers for all the victims and victims families in Arizona and my continued gratitude for all of our Americans who dedicate their life to protect our freedoms.

Finding the Balance between eating and exercise

Before I got on the scale today for my weekly weigh in, I should have looked at my tracker for the week, as if I had the initial disappointment I felt would have been relief. I stayed the same this week, no loss, no gain. I was disapointed, I got off and back on, moved the scale across the room, tried again, same number. "Did my crazy scale obsession stop there? " Nope. When I was at my mom's later this morning I stripped and tried her scale as I recall a friend of mine this week was complaining that she thought my scale was wrong as when she weighs herself at hers at home she is five pounds less, the number at my mom's was the same.
I had a great week, despite what the scale says and that is where my focus should be, I worked out four times despite battling a cold that threatens to become bronchitis as that is what my colds do. This was a return to the gym after being away from the last bout of bronchitis. I am reminding myself of the dangers of me and the scale and how it is toxic for me and I have to be vigilant to not let it be the deciding factor on my success. You may recall I named my scale Roland in this post months ago The
Toxic Scale .
So what happened this week has happened before, I worked out hard and felt great, but I was hungry, serioulsy hungry and fought the urge to eat every night before bed. Some nights I won the war and some I did not. My points for the week were high every day. I used all 49 splurge points as well as the activity points and went into the red. I could have easily gained this week, maybe I got a taste of what maintenance will be for me. I ate more, but I did not eat bad." What does that mean ? "you may ask. For me that means I added more protein as in my past I have found that sometimes helps. My white Carbs I was craving, were satisfied with baked potato, popcorn popped with canola oil, winter squash, whole grain bread, ect.
When I add exercise I need to really take time to find a balance about what and how I eat and I forgot that, luckily though I did not forget to choose what I put in my mouth carefully and by doing that, I maintained!
Taking my own advice is hard, really hard, but I do and I can, after the scale incident I looked in the mirror and told myself how nice and flat my belly looks and how much happier I am with it. I than put Roland ( Mr Scale) away until next week and after posting this I will be planning out my exercise and my meals for the week, keeping in mind to lose I need to move more and eat less. I will look at what I ate this week and where I can make the changes and I feel great about that, I have all the tools I need to find that balance!

How to change how you speak to yourself

While reading blogs the other day I came across a few where the bloggers were really beating themselves up and it reminded me of myself. I used to be the queen of how to beat up Jenna in 15 minutes or less. Negative self talk is like sabotaging yourself. When I think about it now, I can honestly say that in terms of my weight, I do not recall the last time I did that. I simply do not do it anymore, and not because I have achieved my weight loss goals but because I finally saw the connection between the berating of myself and the failure of my attempts to lose weight. I will say somewhere between stopping that behavior and now, I have not only stopped but I actually look in the mirror and tell myself what I do like about me!
This did not happen overnight and some of the things I did to get there and continue to do may seems silly, but they work for me.
The best thing I did was place a picture of me as a child near my computer and on my bureau in my bedroom. The one in my bedroom is there when I dress, as that is where I was the most offensive to myself. I would see me in the mirror and say " You look awful or like a cow, or worse. " I feel bad just thinking about he things I thought and said. I look at the picture on my bureau and I know in a million years I would not speak to that child in that way, or anyone else and I refuse to do it anymore. It took awhile but it works. When I am blogging I again at my desk see a picture of me as a child, and helps me to realize that I need to be kind and forgiving and patient as I am learning how to accept me and everything about me.
The second thing I learned was to look in the mirror and find something I like, and do this every day, and for me I do. When I started to do that I stopped focusing on what I did not like. Suddenly I was looking at me as the whole package and not just seeing arms that we larger than I liked, ect. The looking in the mirror and really looking for what I liked was really hard in the beginning and I assure you I will never be the Woman in "You're So Vain" a song written and performed by Carly Simon, but I will definitely be able to say " I look Good!" and mean it.
I am sure there are other hints that will help you to stop the negative self talk, but these have definitely turned it around for me.
I hope that if you are negatively self talking, this helps you to stop. :

So What Would you do?

Let me start by saying I was a grumpy bear today..... I woke up with a stuffy nose and head ( picture the Mucinex commercial with all those green guys running around)
I am up for less than an hour and it is clear to me that my Big Dysfunctional Family have decided the holidays are over and there is no longer an expectation of good behavior, all filters that were on are now off.
I have a usual routine and it involves getting in my car and driving to my mom's house fifteen minutes away and making sure she is fine, up and healthy, I do any chores she may need done. I usually muster a grunt of a hello to her husband ( yes technically my step dad) and than head out, it is a lot pleasanter than it sounds! I am her caretaker and another sibling is his and that works great, fantastically, ect ect ect.,..Today not so good, it seems he needs a ride to a Dr appt and the other sibling his caretaker is not answering her phone. I should know that before walking in the door though as I know from this morning half in hour into my morning that she is too busy causing trouble elsewhere than to be bothered with this appt. When asked if I could do it, I suspect my face looked like I had suddenly been spoon few fresh squeezed lemon juice and my eyes darting around as I searched in my mind for reasons why I could not.
By noontime all the morning unpleasantness behind me and I actually managed to escape escorting Mom's Husband to the Dr, I decided to go to back to bed and start afresh a two and half hour nap. I awoke earned myself some Ap's by carrying all the Chrismas decor that had been packed yesterday down to the basement., spent in hour trying to figure out how to deactivate my Facebook account in advance of the upcoming turmoil that the dysfunctional family just might generate ( it is still up, that is how well that went) and headed off to the gym. Yup, the gym, in hopes to raise my endorphins to take over where the Mucinex left off and rid myself of the offending cold, and maybe work off some anxiety created by the day and oh yeah, lose weight this week.
I am better natured, and the family is the same, the cold remains and Facebook is still up, but I had a great humor break. While using the treadmill I had a a young guy come in and take the treadmill in front of me, he was 20 ish, scrawny side, with some arms that looked like they had seen some weights at some time, but a shape more like Adam Sandler than let's say Mcsteamy( love him) from Grey's anatomy. So this guy is wearing a white tank and sky blue satin gym shorts and talking on a cell phone with a head set on! He begins to rub his whole buddy like he is applying sun tan lotion and running at the same time! I start to look around for John Quinones, from the show on TV called " What Would you do?" instead what I find is other gym participates trying to stifle a smile if not an outright giggle! I have and had no clue what this guy was doing and why he stayed about 5 minutes doing it, and I just continued to work out. There were quite a few new people at the gym maybe as a result of the New Years's Resolutions, and maybe working out was one of this guys, but it was great humor break for me as it was funny and he seemed to be in his own world even attempting to impress some of the young cuties there but it really made me think. Sometimes I need to take life a little less seriously and just roll with it. I am glad that I went to the gym, I did not let the family stressors change my good intentions for getting back on track and despite them still happening and the cold I did something that made me feel good about me. I also will watch the news and see if somewhere John Quinones, was there and wondering" What Would you do? "

Clean Slate

I woke up early this morning with the help of my Granddaughter whom is three. The baby monitor crackled with her voice, singing softly to herself, and than I could tell she was flipping through the previously read book from bedtime last night. A nice way to wake up even if it were two hours earlier than we usually do, 5 am.
While laying there, in and out of dozing as she was content to you just play in her bed, I was thinking about how previous New Years, I would think of as a Clean Slate. I can tell from a lot of posts I am reading that this is how many people feel about this time of year, yet I also am happy to say that I do not look at my weight loss journey that way anymore. I truly see every new habit as a clean slate, and when I misstep, and I do, I do not have to wait until the New Year, Monday, or tomorrow, I can just correct the step and go forward, next bite, next thought. My thoughts had been rolling around this idea as I have just reintroduced myself to the gym, I was going with regularity up until I came down with Bronchitis in November. I was feeling better by the first week in December, yet my first day back at the gym was yesterday. I got some AP's in, in December, but not with the zest and commitment I had been getting my exercise in with when I was at the gym, not coincidentally my weight loss slowed down. I fell back into the wait until the New Year, Monday, Next Week, mode. Yesterday was my clean slate.
Getting back to the gym after a month hiatus was mentally hard, fear that I may not be able to do a full work out, as well as the insecurities that I had before I made myself comfortable there last time around. Once I got myself through the door, well it was like they say " Getting back on a bike, you do not forget " I did a complete work out and felt great, and am sore this morning in a good way.
That is what I had learned about my eating month's back and I will not beat myself up that it took me awhile to apply the same principle to my exercise but I am grateful I made the connection. My clean slate is the minute I see the negative behavior or habit and the second I correct it and am back on track of taking the best care of me and the good news is, that is happening and a lot more frequently, and I feel great!
I woke up with a cold, argh..... but this time before it reaches bronchitis ( I hope it will not) I am sticking to my scheduled work out. I read this and am following it Work out While Sick?

My Blog Turned One

Happy Birthday Blog!! I am certain that without you there would be a lot more of me.
You have been my go to place when the going has gotten a little rough..and the place I can see how I actually felt and how I dealt with my feelings. You have helped me to see where I was correct in my thinking and where I need/needed re-thinking. That is a lot of good things and that is not counting the friends that you have introduced me too. Thank you.
To celebrate your Birthday I am going to dedicate myself to adding to you daily, yes a blog post a day, not just for you , but for me, as my success is better with you and I am looking for better! Better is more hours at the gym, more connection between my head and my stomach , " am I hungry or am I emotional and looking for comfort? " Better is gratitude for the success and respect for the work yet to be done.

January 3, 2010 I entered my first blog post and a lot has changed since than, not just numbers on the scale or inches of my body, but changes in my thinking and feelings about food and exercise but mostly about me. I am looking forward to expanding that growth and weight loss and with the help of you and the friends you have brought me, it can only get better from here!!

Happy Birthday Blog!!

Lady In Red

I love the color red on me, now ask me how often I wear it, and I will tell you in my almost 47 years maybe 25 times, seriously true.
I have a memory of me wearing a red sweater when I was like 15 years old in a school picture and than like most of my years I was overweight. When I see the picture all I ever see was how I looked like a big tomato and I do believe at the time, my mom was the one who said that, and I forever held onto that belief.. My relationship with my mom has evolved over the years, love hate, and now it is one of just love. I am the caretaker and all past hurts are just that in the past, suffice to say I am a firm believer in you do the best job with what you can and when you know better you do better. That picture is gone now, lost with all of my childhood mementos that were stored in a basement that was damaged in last years rain storm. I believe if I saw that picture today I would think differently.
New Year's Eve I went out to dinner and stayed out with friends, enjoying music and ushering in the New Year, I was wearing a new red blouse, size large and received compliments all night about how good I looked. Reality is I am the same size now that I was when that picture was taken years ago, age 15. I still have 65 pounds to lose and I am not little, but what I have now that I did not have than was self worth. I see me, the whole picture, the person. I am not just the extra weight on my body, I am a the sum of all the following, I am kind, gentle, friendly, sociable, I have the ability to make others laugh and not at someone else's expense, including my own. I try to do the best job I can with life and relationships using that " You do the best you can with what you know and when you no better you do better. I am healthy and that is what I see when I put on that red blouse the other night, I feel good about me, I am working to make me the best possible me I can be, inside and out and that red blouse exuded that confidence I now feel. Part of the reason that I feel good is the loss of 55 pounds, of course that is a huge part, but the weight loss is just part the other part is the acceptance and the journey, my weight was a symptom of something much bigger, it was a symptom of my lack of self esteem. Now that may not be everyone's reason for their obesity, but it was mine.
I am so happy to be gaining my self esteem and it is the single most important thing that I have found on this journey and the single most reason I am losing my weight.
Tomorrow will mark a year from my first blog post as well as the introduction to so many new friends I have met here, and I hope that as we all continue on our own journey that we continue to inspire and support each other. Thank you...

It' s Over, Cold Turkey, We are through.

I have made a decision and for the better of my life and I have decided to let go of a love of my life. As difficult and heartbreaking as it is, and IT IS, it is necessary. Today is the perfect day for it, New Years Day, Clean slate, start afresh, just cut the cord. I am not unfamiliar with giving up what is comfortable but not necessarily good for me.
Months ago I did it with another love of my life, so I know it can be done, I gave up half and half...and I am better for it. I replaced it with Vanilla Soy milk and it fills one dairy for the day as well as shaved 5 points of my previous daily totals.
" So what must go? you may ask? " I hope your sitting down because this is a bit confessional. I am a French Fries eater, and not just that, but I eat them with mayonnaise on the side for dipping! I call it, Cholesterol with Cholesterol on the side please, or " Can I please have an order of hardening of the arteries with a side of heart attack,,,,,You get it I am sure. When I order them I always count the points 23 points,,,but here is the thing if I do not order them for me, and I eat them off someone elses plate for example, minus the mayo, as I am the only one I know that orders them that way....anyways when I eat fries from others plates or greasy little take out bags, I often do not track or count them. My logic has been, they were not mine. That is CRAZY, but true.
So after a lot of thought and deliberation and reading articles about how there is NO redeeming qualities in french fries the decision has been made, and I am good with it, or rather I am accepting of it.
This year 2011 is going to be about me being real with me, a continuation of last years " Taking Care of Me." To take care of me, and be real I have to look at what I do daily, weekly and over the course of months that impact my end results, and that my friends means giving up the fries...Tracking every bite, on or off my own plate ..and being honest with myself, those stolen fries only hurt me, and I am sure once the french fries withdrawals pass....I will only be a better person ,,,,

The Year in Review

My first blog post last year was Jan 3 and here is what I wrote in the first Paragraph "I hope you find this blog interesting and funny and follow my journey as I
am going to use this as my way of reaching me, the me that is buried
under 120 pounds of pain, and stress, that somewhere along the way I
thought eating, and drinking would make go away."
"Did I find me? Is my blog interesting and funny? Have I stopped using food and alcohol to make stress go away? " Yes, Yes, and sometimes!"
I have discovered a lot about myself and I have feel like I have found me, or at the very least I have found what I like, and what I am capable of and what I want from life.
My blog has been funny at times and sad at times and I try to be interesting, and I think interesting enough to generate comments and followers so yes. The big question is do I still use food and alcohol to deal with my stress and the answer is Sometimes.
This week is an example of the Sometimes, the thing about it is I have done this for most of my life and it is as innate to me as breathing and I am certain that for as long as I live it will be my tendency to do this. I eat for comfort and at times, it is happening before I even realize it. What is different is what I eat. When I eat for comfort in my house, my choices are limited, as I have long since purged my cabinets of anything that can wreak unintentional havoc on my weight loss plans. Cleaning my house was the single most important thing I did for myself at the beginning of this journey. This week I ate way too much popcorn, but seriously way too much popcorn is not the equivalent of way too much chips and dip, twinkies, or Oreo cookies dipped in milk. When I eat out at a restaurant I have put steps in place to keep me in check, little rules I call them, if I have a baked potato...No bread, one or the other. Two glass's of wine,no exceptions. If I am having cheese on food, I will not have pasta, vice versa. I call it conscious eating. Safety measures for keeping the binge at bay.
I joined a gym and went to the gym!! I am a member of the gym, I walk on a treadmill for 50 minutes and can walk a 15 minute mile with an elevation of 10. Prior to the cold weather I walked most mornings with a walking buddy and have worked out with Jillian in the privacy of my living room. Move more, best advice I have.
I have surrounded myself with supportive people off and online whom cheer me on and help elevate me when I feel like I am not capable of this weight loss journey and I strive to do the same for them.
I have lost 55 pounds and gained a sense of accomplishment that will help propel me to lose the remaining 65 and I have done this 2010, and for that I am proud.
Not a bad year, not a bad year at all!!

Bye Bye 2010,,,Bring on 2011

Popcorn and Merlot

Whole Grain, High Carb and low calories and and so filling! What is not too love?
Well let me say that as much as I love it and I do, this week I may have gone overboard. I was fortunate enough to have had a loss this week, weighing in on Christmas morning but I dare say it will take a miracle to not have gained this week.
My Christmas stocking was not laden with candy as years past as it had been , my daughters fill it for me and they were great about no candy, and DBF substituted my box of 24 truffles for a 4 truffle box and I appreciate that everyone in my life has changed what they gift me as a result of the changes I have made.
Popcorn was in my stocking, little packages from Fireworks Popcorn Co. and I have been popping my self a batch every day this week, and topping it with a Tablespoon of butter, using oil, a whopping 7 pt daily snack! That is bad enough, but I also received the most beautiful Set of Wine glasses and quite a few bottles of Merlot and mysteriously or not so mysteriously one has disappeared and I am the only Merlot drinker in the house!
" Why the excess?" I keep asking myself, and "why am I so hungry this week?", and "how do I get myself back on track?. "
I think the answers lie in my success, I feel like, I have had such great success and even though I have a ways to go, 65 pounds, if I stopped right now, I would be in regular Miss's size clothing, a huge goal met. My health is 90% better, I am receiving compliments and indications from those around me that I have already succeeded and could stop right here and be ok.
OK!!??? Ok! Do I want ok? or do I want 100%. I am worth 100% I expect to give 100% of myself to others why would I not expect me to give myself 100%. This is the thinking that helped me gain 120 pounds over 10 years. This is the complacency that will derail me if I let it, I will not let it.
A weight gain is alright this week, I will not welcome it, but I will own it if it happens, and I will remind myself that I do not want good enough, I want the best I can possibly give myself and be.
The popcorn and the wine, do not have an expiration date, because I can eat and drink them does not mean I have too every day. I can get back on track by doing what I have been doing. Measure, Track, Moderation, Exercise, Blog my feelings, reach out and most importantly remember we are all worth 100% of our best!

TMI...possibly but one more thing I like about succeeding with Weight Watchers

DBF and I have been together for 10 years which means he has seen me at my lowest weight ever and likewise at my heaviest. He has always said and I belive him and you will too as I go along, " I do not see your weight, you look beautiful to me , no matter what what you weigh" Yes I know, that is the most wonderful thing anyone can hear and before you want to steal him, please know that with all good qualities, there come the not so good, but I will not digress ( smiling).
So he met me at a size 8, I was a Dining room manager at a local restaurant and he was a regular customer, he owns another local business and was always coming in for a quick dinner and drink, and than headed back to work. I would like to think it was my charming personality that caught his eye, but I do believe being on my feet for fifty to sixty hours a week, carry trays that weighed upwards of 50 pounds had created some pretty darn nice legs to look at, and a skirt was always the attire. The rest they say is history.
On one of our many evenings out if he were telling this story and not I , he would marvel about a certain black little sundress I had and how much he loved seeing me in in and later out of it and that one of the things he loved was my fondness for sexy underwears....he too has a fondness for them ( me in them, not him!), nobody is happier to see the Vicky Catalog arrive more than him! Suffice to say as I gained weight the selections on sexy or cute lingerie was diminishing and more importantly so was my self esteem and desire to shop or wear them.
About 5 years and 100 pounds ago, I cleared my closets of all the size 8's 10's 12's 14's and right up to two years ago, the 1X's , my daughter's and DBF stopped giving me gifts of clothes at my asking, I did not want to say what size I was, but that last Christmas before that I got the gift of lingerie. I smiled than and now when I think of this relatively conservative man walking into Victoria Secret to buy me some silk and lacy unmetionalbles, but he did, and a size large, they would not even fit my thigh, but I had not the heart to return them, instead I hung them in the closet with the sole dress I had left in there, the little sundress that he loved so much, and the memories attached to it. He has never asked what happened to them and I never told.
Yesterday I ventured to the back of the closet and pulled out the dress and yes the unmentionables and I tried them on...THEY FIT.... I took one pair and placed them back with the dress, Summer will come and with hard work I will be wearing that dress, those unmentionables and we will go out..... The other pair I wore, and Asked DBF if he remembered them..Yup He did.
I am thinking by Next Christmas, I will be unwrapping clothes again... and quite possibly seeing Pink Striped Bags....