I Have a Plan and I am sticking to it!

I am struggling and not in the, I gained a pound, or I hit a plateau, or I had a really off track day, even yesterday with my first real fear of binging, I won over the urge. I have the tools I need , I see that and I feel that and I even have all the online support you can imagine and my family has been unbelievably supportive( Heidi, you get a special shout out) and am I so grateful for that. The struggle is with myself and my insecurities, and self doubt.
It started with the thought of running and the exercising, and the fact that the cold weather is blowing in and I will use that as a reason to slack, and I have already. After spending a few days thinking this to death and trying to find a away to overcome it, I finally decided to take some of my own advice. I left a comment on a friend's blog that states "Failing to plan was planning to Fail " and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
When I start eating off track I go back and look at recipes and make new meals to keep me interested. I make a meal plan for the week, I look at past weeks and see what I did than that worked and vice versa.
I want to exercise 6 days a week and the only way that scan happen for me is if I plan it. That scheduled exercise has to be as important as a Dr's appointment, I would not blow off a Dr's appointment or any other thing I put on my schedule. I would schedule things around it.
This is my schedule this week,
Yesterday I walked at the track with bursts of running at the local Track @ 5:00
Today the Gym, just came home home from a 50 minute intense treadmill work out, here is how the rest of the week will go, @ 3:00
Saturday Walk/Run at the track "by the way I am looking to add ab and arm work on the days I walk/run anyone have a good DVD in mind that would help with that? " @ 11:00
Sunday- Walk Winekenni Castle 4.5 miles up and down, rocky terrain @12:00
Monday - Gym 50 minute intense treadmill work out @3:00
Tuesday Walk/Run at track @5:00
Wednesday ....Weigh in Day and Rest Day

Sometimes are best advice is the advice we give others, I'm Just Saying....

Negativity Breeds Negativity

Almost 11 months into this journey, today took me by surprise. I found myself looking down the Barrel of a binge. It started innocent enough, I woke up feeling good, heck I am I am feeling good most days, I am looking at seeing 50 pounds lost soon, Onederland is on the horizon,I have made a real commitment to exercise. Things are good, Right?
I woke up and my Granddaughter had slept over and put in a request for waffles for breakfast. She was expecting the regular plain waffles hot off the waffle iron, but this Mimi decided to get fancy and made apple waffles with cinnamon. No Go, one taste and she wanted toast. Trust me they were good, it was her not the waffles as I had one. I threw the remaining 3 out the window for the birds.
After breakfast we had company and were busy right until I brought her home for 1. While the company was here I had one too many coffees, and I felt edgy, and no protein with breakfast and I passed on the donut holes that the company brought, even though I really wanted one. Now I am headed home and really hungry, seriously hungry and I know I have nothing at home, I need to shop. I call my sister, maybe she would like to do lunch, grab a salad somewhere. Nope, not today, I think Taco Bell, common sense prevails as I know I will crash and burn there, I skip Taco Belle. I could call in a salad, but I am thinking it will take too long, SUBWAY!! yes I can do that, very quick and very manageable. I walk in ready to order a six inch turkey and with all the veggies, grab my baked Lays, and BAM, right out the gate
" Sorry no wheat today, the artisan cheese bread is great" Somewhere between no wheat bread and the lady behind the counter annoying me with suggestions I left with a footlong ham and turrrrrrrrkey with swiss, oil and veggies ( notice I did get my healthy oils in) I came home and scarfed it down, not ate, scarfed....all 12 inches! For the love of Pete....It is now two in the afternoon and I have used all my points and I want more. I want ( block your eyes if you can not handle this) Chinese food, Fried clams with tartar sauce, M&M's and not the snack size, Chips with dip, and a large glass of milk, and of course any one who knows me knows I want Tiramasu.
Now I am in a bad place, and feeling very bad about everything and the only thing I can say right now that helps is, I did not binge, I wanted too, I still want to, but I did not and I will not., but I am not any less frightened by the thought.
Once that negativity came, all those awful feelings that came with that urge to binge, it has been a day of chasing them away.
I worked out, but not because I wanted too, and not to the best of my ability, I did despite the urge to just say " Forget about it" and that at least is a positive. All I can say is that I have learned by this today is that when a day like this happens, fake it till you make it. That is how I did not eat, I pretended that I could handle it and I pretended it was not as big as it felt and by doing that I won over the urge to binge. I exercised, I pretended I wanted too, and I did. I also learned that this has been building, I sensed it the other night when I had to guilt trip myself into exercising, I think I really need to think about what is going on in my head that I am fighting with myself over what I want and what I am willing to do to get there.
I would love to keep typing and try to decipher this but since I ate all my points by 2, I used 3.5 flex, a bag of popcorn and a piece of chocolate and now the kitchen is closed and I need to lock self in bedroom to get through the night with no noshing!

It must be broken!

I live on the first floor of a two family and I awoke at 6:30 to the
two boys upstairs, wrestling, it was my first indication that the day
was going to be challenging. There is three boys all tallied up, ages
9, 7 and 5, and there newly Single Mom. They just moved in this
September and to be quite frank they were a welcome change from the
previous neighbors who would keep me awake with their fighting and
drinking. They also complained that my Gardens annoyed them, something
about the daisies flopping over in front of their door, I cut them, but I
think that sums up how much fun they were. So the new neighbors, are
great. They are kids and I expect kids to be kids and I know if I let
her know that it woke me, it would not happen again, but again I expect
and want kids to be kids, I was just so ready for another half hour of
sleep. Usually I wake up to the soft patter of my new neighbor jumping
rope, she looks to be 100 pounds soaking wet and jumps rope for 45
minutes every morning to help manage the stress of raising three boys
alone, did I say I really like her? cause I do, and if that were not
enough reason she loves the Gardens.

So out of bed and I realize that I forgot to put out the trash, and
they come early, so out I go, recycle week and that must go out as well,
half way to the curb and the barrel slips and I am picking up
recyclables, in my bathrobe while the traffic is at a dead stop due to a
stopped school bus, yup, one of those mornings.

Trash picked up, coffee poured and I decide this is the morning I am
going to skip going to Mom's bright and early and I will just chill in
front of some blogs and than get on the scale for my weekly weigh in.
Phone rings of course it is Mom. I do not even expalin that " No I am
not on my way I am coming later " as the urgency of the half gallon of
milk being picked up and can you get here before the visiting nurse does
to check on her husband is definitely all she wants to hear.

So all this before the scale suddenly I am struck with the, " Did I
exercise enough? " I know I was OP but " Did I use too many AP's after I
burned through my flex points. " Enough already get on the scale!

I did, I got on the scale and than off, and than back on, and than off,
and one more time, ON. Three times the scale indicated I lost three
pounds and three times I doubted it. Denial in reverse I tell you, here I
have good news in front of me and I assume, the scale must be broken.

I looked at my week and I did a lot right., going backwards last night when I wanted to continue to lay around, I guilt tripped myself to the local track, and walked with burst of running. Last Wednesday when I was stuck at home with my sick granddaughter I put in a walking with Leslie Sansone DVD ( despite the fact that she reminds me of Sarah Palin, sorry that rant is for another day) I set my office up with weights, and have been doing squats whenever I think of them. I am working the program and it is working!

Some weeks are a mystery, we do everything right and see little or no change and than we have a week like this one, and wonder, How can that happen? I do not have the answer, but I do know this...after checking ONE MORE TIME...the scale is not broken, I lost three pounds :)
Not a challenging day after all........ and my neighbor? she inspires me, I bought a jump rope today to reward my 48 pounds lost.

psssst....Guess What?? It is happening!!

I am almost afraid to say this out loud or put it to paper, or as it be, put it in my blog. I will start by when I first noticed that something has happened to me. It was last week.
While posting on my blog I for just a split second thought about running again. Yes, you heard it right I said again. For one brief year I was a runner. It was 1999 and I finished a Hometown 5k 117 JENNIFER BORDEN 216 F2039 PLAISTOW 29:05 9:23, by the way I was at my goal weight, no coincidence there.
144 runners so I did not come in last ( just in case the thought crossed your mind).
I do not remember ever loving it, I do not even remember liking it, but what I do remember is feeling so proud to have completed that 5K as it showed me that despite the fact that I do not think I am athletic, or anything other than always the fat girl, on that day, at that race, I accomplished something I never thought I could. Sadly after that race, I stopped running. I met my goal and I did not set another one.
Why would I be thinking about running now. I am still 75 pounds away from my weight loss goal, I still struggle at the gym, not as much I admit, I am liking how I can raise the level of the treadmill to 10, 12 even and walk for 45 minutes, but I know I have a ways to go.
I am thinking about it because at some point I am going to need goals to keep me focused. I will not always be looking to lose weight, I will be at the part of my journey where I need maintenance, and that is scary to me. Add to that when I hit my last 20 pounds I am thinking it will take some serious game change ups to get my body to let go of that last amount of weight and I want to be ready.
So what is happening is I am thinking in terms of what I am going to do when I reach my goal, not thinking if I reach my goal, but when I reach my goal!
Yesterday it happened again, I was out walking my favorite walk around Winnekenna Castle with my daughter and it was cold, it was beautiful, but cold. The conversation was great and unlike the last time I walked that walk with her, I was not whining, or huffing and puffing, I was proud to show her my progress. We were discussing walking again Saturday and Sunday and thinking of locations. We talked about how much better I feel, and my weight struggles ( She has never shared my weight problems, and that I am happy for, I hope it continues). That is when it happened again, I thought how am I going to continue walking in this cold weather, instead of thinking, I am not going to walk when it gets cold.
This morning I woke up and I googled some great walks in my area and the cold thought came back and so instinctively I googled LL Bean http://www.llbean.com/llb/search?storeId=1&catalogId=1&langId=-1&init=1&freeText=baselayers+for+men+a What has happened is I am now thinking in terms of my success, how to get there and how to stay there and real solutions to the problems instead of excuses of why I can't. I can...I can.... I can, and I will. It is happening, it will happen and I will continue it!

Candy Happens!

I am an admitted snob about my sweets, high end Dark chocolate for me, decadent cakes ect... So I thought I was pretty safe buying my Halloween candy early.
I was downright arrogant when cleaning off my counter-tops last night, I brazenly opened the Halloween candy and put it out on my counter for all to see. Dear boyfriend should be able to snack on it, and the kids as they come and go.
Last night before retiring to my favorite Thursday Night shows, I was starving and kept ignoring it, finally allowed myself a bag of 1 pt popcorn. I ate well all day I am thinking the problem was I am recovering from a cold and I have been eating a lot of chicken soup, and less carbs and less protein than I normally do.The popcorn helped but I still found myself wanting to eat, something, anything and my dark chocolate stash was out, so you guessed it.... I ate some Halloween Candy, not a lot of pleasure there for me but I did it anyways. 4 Pieces! all snack size at least, and it sent me looking for points this morning and I found this from my good friend Google
http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=536&sc=3010#Story
It helped. So if you find yourself dipping into the Halloween candy, I hope it can help you as well.
In Hindsight I now know to listen to those hunger signals, for whatever the reason I was really hungry and 8 points could have been avoided by just eating sooner.
The candy is packed back away until Oct 31 as Candy snob or not, my self control is not where it should be quite yet!
According to the cheat I used 8 points, and I had them so that is ok, but I can think of many other ways I would have enjoyed those 8 points, " Can you say Lindt Dark chocolate with almonds " ... Good Luck...as it is Halloween time and Candy Happens!

Write a Blog post " Honey you have no Ass "

Believe it or not this is actually a post about a new discovery for me, I really like my legs, but for some reason before I can ever get to what I want to write or say, I have a lot of of other stuff to say first.
Yesterday was long and difficult on many levels. It started great, 2 pounds lost for total of 45. I wrote a lovely post about it and uploaded a great picture and it was purple in support of anti bullying, however it is lost in cyber space somewhere and the day got too busy to rewrite it.
I was watching my three year old granddaughter and we were having a down day, she seemed low key and I was grateful as my cold was kicking me around too. What started out to be a day of watching movies and obliging the sweetly asked " Mimi, just sit with me." ended with teaching a three year old how to throw up in the toilet, as she was sick with her first stomach virus. Any Mom's, Dads, Nannie's, Mimi's out there know this is not one of the best parts of our jobs. We averaged success about 2 out of three times and my washing machine is still humming behind me, and the house has been sprayed with lysol to kill any lingering germs. She is home now with her mom and hopefully on the mend, and I am hiding behind my keyboard, silently hoping that my parents, my daughter or my granddaughter do not need me today as I am exhausted!
So after spending a sick day with granddaughter and returning her to the mom, I decided to take a much needed shower, enough said. I get out of the shower, and realize I have gone through several outfits including my " cover every piece of skin I have, bathrobe". I am forced to wear a T-Shirt until the favorite " cover every piece of skin I have bathrobe" makes it through the laundry cycle.
Shortly after I lay on the couch I hear Dear Boyfriend come home, and it has been years since I have paraded around carefree about what I look like as we know my weight has been up...and up... I get up and try to retreat to the bedroom for more clothes and apologize for my ass not being covered and he says " Honey you have no ass" Wow, now to me those are " I love you so much I will rub your back for three days, words." as he loves back rubs and he just made my day ( keep in mind what I have been doing all day.....) So guess what, I retreat. It is my house, and only he and I are here, forget the " cover every piece of skin I have bathrobe" I am going to lay on the couch with Dear Boyfriend and Watch TV just as I am. While watching TV I look at myself and think, " When did my legs get smaller?" shapely too, so not only do I have no donkey but after all these hours on the treadmill, and all these weeks of eating on program, has started to be apparent to me, and my legs are my reward! My legs are not my only reward as clearly I am looking at myself less critically and I am seeing progress and complimenting me, something I am not so quick to do when I feel bad about what I am eating, or my lack of exercise, like 45 pounds ago. So along with the weight, and the donkey I lost, I apparently am losing my critical attitude towards myself and that is as great as my newly shapely legs. I can hardly wait to see who much stronger and shapely they get as I go along and I just might throw out that
" cover every piece of skin I have bathrobe!"

44° Cloudy ( Ther Weather here this morning)

My walking buddy texted me at 6:30 am, " Want to walk?" My answer was " Sorry no, cold winning" it was half truth as it is the cold winning and not My Cold. Here lies my struggle with walking outside through the seasons. I wake up and it is now dark here in New England and the temperatures are dipping low, as I said 44 Degrees and cloudy...and even with my pre menopausal symptoms I can not warm up enough to go out the door at 7 am when option 2 is stay in warm robe and slippers and sip hot coffee!
Last nights weather said it will be colder by the end of the week, so I think I better get with my buddy and devise a plan two or....find some way to just do it.
I have a cold, and I am trying to just call it that, there is a difference on how I view a cold and one way, is how I want to, the " I Have a cold." spoken nonchalantly with the indication that it is just a cold. When I say it that way, I can do anything, go to work, still clean the house, see the parents and do their errands, watch my granddaughter, and as yesterday proved, Go to The Gym.
Then there is the " Oh, I have a cold." when I say this, it is drawn out and you can hear the Woe is me in every syllable and quite frankly it is my way of saying, I am curling up on the couch with tea, chicken soup, Grey's Anatomy DVDS, and my cats. Most times it is the same symptoms and having the cold at the same intensity, the only difference is my attitude. I know that that the difference in the attitude is also what is going to be the difference of succeeding at my weight loss goals this time or not. I need that good attitude to push me out the door when I am cold, or it is raining or I just think I need 10 more minutes of sleep. I know it does not come natural for me, but I think it will if I keep working on it , so as I sit here in my bathrobe, with my coffee, I texted walking buddy, " How about I come get you at 8:30 and we get our walk in?" she responded " I am Game for that. Dress Warm". So Today,,,," I have a cold".
Battle one of two won, later today the gym calls for my second workout ,,,I hope I still just " Have a cold ", now the cats may hope something entirely different.

Due to a cold, I will do a survey post, as my mind can't handle more than that today....

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
261 was my highest, and now I weigh 218 and want to weigh 147

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
My health was at its absolute worst last year at this time, diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, and uncontrollable wheezing, and GERD,,,my motivation was to save my life!

3. Have you always been overweight?
Yes, I was born pleasantly plump, and as told by my mom, I was the best baby, I just ate and slept, not exactly a high calorie activity, I continued to like just eating and sleeping! There were brief interludes at a healthy weight...very brief.

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
How great I feel, sleep apnea much better, no wheezing, Gerd under control, and above all I feel excited to be taking care of me. I am keeping up with my Three year old Granddaughter and I love that!

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
The satisfaction of reaching my goal, sounds corny, but that is it...however #2 is SHOPPING!
Little black dress, for night on the town
Bathing Suit, for lazy days at the beach...maybe 2 bathing suits.
Sundresses.... I have always loved sundresses....

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
I am so fortunate to have an incredible amount of support. My family is very supportive, my daughters cheer me on, My BF is great about it. Than I have this great online support.... I can not say enough about how lucky I am for all the support I have.

7. What is your favorite exercise?
Walking.... Walking and than Walking..I am looking to try Yoga so that could change
I walk around a lake, that sets on property that has a castle. Winnikenni Castle...I have posted the picture. It is my favorite 4.5 mile walk,,,,and I think I will walk it today cold in all...It looks just like the picture today in all its foliage

8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?

To be patient and kind with myself, I feel my weight loss is slow and at the beginning it almost derailed me, and frankly in the past was my reason for quitting. I know now and believe that this slow journey is giving my mind a chance to really absorb the changes and make it a lifestyle. Years ago I lost 80 pounds on Weight watchers, in a six month period and I had a cheat day on the day I weighed in, would leave meeting and celebrate my loss by eating everything I had craved that week. We know how that ended ;)
This time there is no cheat day....my rewards are not food, and I am not 30 anymore!


9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
I would love to say....nothing as I can have everything in moderation, but truthfully...Half and Half. I have replaced it with silk flavored soy milk and it is ok..it works, I drink a lot of coffee and the half and half was costing me way to many points. Now I can count my creamer as a milk and have added soy to my diet..but Half and Half.. i still miss you,,,,,,,,,,,,

10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
Slow and Steady. Follow the plan, Track. I am the best tracker..every bite, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. I try my hardest for it to be mostly good, but I own it when it is not. Push myself at the gym and on trail walks. I will not get to goal by coasting...

The Birthday Girl!

So this blog post is about life.
4 years ago, while experiencing for the first time in my life living alone, no parents, no husband, long since divorced and both daughters were on their own, one about to graduate college and the other just finishing her first year. I was feeling pretty darn good , yet pretty scared. Where do I fit in their lives and where do I go from here?
For years all that loved me, family, friends, kids, had heard my mantra, when my kids are grown I will be still young and than it is " My Turn"
Here I was facing " My Turn" and I had no clue where to go or what to do, as that is what happens when you lose yourself in the caring for others. I am so not complaining so please do think that is the case, as life is about choices and when you make them, I am a believer in living with them and making the best of them.
I was just about at a point when I was feeling like I was ready to just focus on me, when what I perceived as " All Hell broke loose." My daughter came home from her first year of college, Pregnant. I was devastated, I felt hurt and disappointed, I would have killed to go to college and being number 6 of 7 children of a family of meager means that was just not an option. She chose life and I totally respect that.
Instead of college I married the first man that I thought was the love of my life and I was half right, he brought me the love of my life, two daughters whom I adore, he was definitely not the love of my life. It was rough and obstacles were there to over come and in the interest if the rest of the story I will not digress. I overcame them and raised two phenomenal daughters and today I celebrate the third Birthday of my Granddaughter. I had no cake, I had no ice cream, I had two slices of pizza for 16 points that I counted. I felt great as I am in the process of fulfilling a life long goal of my own, and that is gaining control of my weight issue and being as healthy as I can be. I did not want cake, I am a cake snob now, if I have cake it will not be a cake mix, it will not be a birthday cake from the nearest bakery, it will be a Rum cake, or Carrot Cake, Tiramasu comes to mind, but not just cake. Every bite will be enjoyed.
When I found out that my daughter was expecting and would not be returning to college and my hopes and dreams for her would be different than her hopes and dreams, I reacted poorly. I cried for weeks on end, I ate, I drank, I pitied myself, and quite frankly was awful. I think back on that and cringe for my daughter as well as for myself. I had and have had my turn to live my life, I made and make choices every day. My choices today are a reflection of lessons I have learned along the way. I never had the opportunities that my children have had but I did have choices. Life happens and how we deal with it is OUR choice. We can eat, drink, cry through it, or we can accept it and trust that everything happens for a reason and that all we can really control is ourselves and how we live. Today I choose to take care of me, my health and by that I mean eating, exercising and building the strongest body I can to be prepared for whatever comes my way. I spent 3 months, eating, drinking, crying and resisting a baby that was coming my way, 4 years later I am rejoicing in the fact that I am a healthy trimmer Grandma, enjoying one of the best things that ever could have come in my life.
Happy Birthday Evie!! Mimi can not imagine a life without you in it, Thank you for that!!

Dear Lindt Chocolatiers,

Dear Lindt Chocolatiers.
Thank you so much for adding the Roasted Almonds Dark chocolate bar to your fine collection, it is simply divine.
I have spent the last 10 months erasing your white chocolate truffles from my thighs, buttocks, belly and of course my thoughts. There is no wrong way to eat a White Chocolate Truffle, however I found my favorite way to savor them is to put them in the freezer and eat them very slowly, and that is helpful to limit my portions as well ( in theory). Many a boyfriend has graced me with a gift box of your lovely golden wrapped white truffles and being such a polite girl, I had not the heart to say " No Thank you...."
As of late I have put a ban on white chocolate truffles as I have found that their is something about them that they are attached to one another, despite my tummy feeling squirmish after 4, I insist on eating 5 or even 6! " Is there Nicotine in them??" I digress, sorry.
So now that I have successfully managed to stay away from your White Chocolate Truffles, I find you have introduced a line of Dark Chocolate, which is great as we all know that Dark Chocolate is good for your heart. Fearing you may have missed my part of your sales revenue, I bought one... " Oh My, You have done good!"
The roasted almonds are an added benefit as we all know almonds are good source of protein and healthy fat. I have lost 42 pounds and the last 6 weeks I have been conducting quality control on your new Roasted Almonds Dark chocolate bar, the good news is, You have succeeded and for just 2.5 points I can have 2 squares off one bar a day and still lose weight, and I can only imagine how good my heart looks!
"Do you think you could possibly think in your next endeavor you could try White Chocolate truffles with Heart Healthy virtues for under 1 pt per truffle? " No Hurry, but for the record Christmas is just two months away...

The Eve of my Weigh in... can you spell..... A N X I E T Y

So this is crazy and I am well aware of that fact, yet I find myself thinking if I did not lose weight this week it will be two weeks in a row. That stresses me out. I know I have put in the work activity wise but my points have totally been on the high side, within what is allowed but higher than I like.
I know why. I have given great thought o the adjustments that I need to make to get myself back into really good OP eating and I know I can do it, yet the anxiety lingers.
While blogging I am acutely aware of my sore legs, the result of a work out on the treadmill that was Rockstar, for me, 45 minutes of walking at an elevation of 10 and more at a rate of 3.9 miles an hour. I was on fire.... again for me. I had multiple Nonscale victories and I know that my success is not measured by the scale alone, yet the anxiety lingers.
Whatever happens on the scale in the morning, I know that I have had a great week and that I have great friends and support here and outside if the online community and that it will be a new week, tweaking will happen, starting with changing my weigh in day to wed mornings instead of Thursdays as I end up eating so late on Wed nights that I am almost certain to not have an accurate picture of my weight loss for the week and that helps cause Anxiety.... little rituals I have, not unlike the professional baseball players that have theirs, forgetting it was their talent that brought them to professional baseball and not the color of the socks. My weight loss comes from doing the program and putting in the effort and not from not eating after 7 the night before I weigh in.... sadly...the anxiety is still here......
So in the big scheme of things what does it matter if I maintain two weeks in a row, what matters is that the journey continues and that I pat myself on the back for the changes I have and will continue to make to ensure myself the best possible health and life that I can. Take that Mr Anxiety.....and just relax!

Apple Picking with Mimi

One of my goals on this weight loss journey was to be the kind of Grandmother that had the energy to get out in do things with my Grandchildren. When my kids were small I was pretty much all hands on and the everyday needs were always met, but I did not realize how quick that time would fly by and I regret not being more playful and enjoy the simple things like, Apple Picking.
Seeing the world through the eyes of a toddler is nothing short of amazing, she wants to do everything that she can and enjoys every little thing, she sings off key with no worries of who is listening, tries to climb the apple tree with no concern of falling, she simply expects to succeed! She picked, she played and she helped carry the bag full of apples back to the car. Years ago as the mom, I would have carried the bag solo, quicker and less apt to spill the apples. but I missed the face I saw yesterday, determined and proud to be a " Big Girl".
I had the energy to walk the length of the orchards, and the strength to than again walk the pumpkin patch, searching for the perfect pumpkin and than carry such pumpkin, all twenty pounds around the patch, to be weighed and than placed in the car with the apples.
The scale may be one indicator of my success but yesterday was certainly a bigger indicator for me, I have reached the goal of being physically fit enough to be the Mimi my little Evie deserves and I could not be happier! I have a long ways to go for the scale to catch up to what would be called the final goal, but I am certain it will happen and like enjoying every step of the Grand-parenting journey, I fully intend to enjoy every step and goal met on the weight loss journey.

If mom says so, it must be true

"If mom says so, it must be true"
So I only kind of really believe that as my mom has said some colorful, sometimes mean and always sarcastic things in my lifetime, but today she made me feel good. I remember the day I stopped in on my way to work about two years ago and she said " Well that shirt is about 5 pounds away from fitting" OUCH! and no time to go home and change. The best was after having cardiac surgery and extremely groggy she awoke, and when my sister and I said we just came up from the cafeteria, she looked right at me and said " You would weight a lot less if you took the stairs." I resisted every urge to crimp the oxygen tube that was in her nose...lol. My thoughts then were that even under anesthesia she knows exactly how to cut me to my quick.
I go see her everyday, caretaker is the most accurate word, to describe what I am to her these days. I walked in today and she said " Wow. you look really good and I can tell that you have lost a lot of weight." I think I instinctively looked behind me to see if she was talking to me. We have a unique relationship that has been riddled with resentments on my part over the years for her parenting style or lack of at times. A long time ago I came to terms with some really tough things that happened to me on her watch while she drank away her problems. Today I just accept her flaws an all and know that we have some great times that otherwise would not have happened without my moving on and past the defects. That said, her compliment made my day.
It was a good day to hear it, as despite how well I did on my weekend away last week and intense workouts the scale stayed the same this week. Clothes are fitting better, I can work out with a higher intensity and feel good about it,. I am choosy about the foods I eat and I know I am on my way to losing my excess baggage so even a week with no weight loss can not derail me, neither can mom. She no longer has the sharp words or sarcastic ability to undermine my determination, nobody does, I am in control of this ship and we are going full speed ahead!!

These are a few of my Favorite Things.......

I see post like this every so often and like to read them, while thinking of mine I realized I do not often take an inventory about what I really like ...

Gardening, specifically digging in the dirt, feeling the soil and planting the plant, patting it in place and that feeling that I get like I have given life to something bigger than myself.

Bubble baths, love laying back in the hot soapy fragrant bubbly water and just letting my shoulders relax.

Shaving...yup, weird I know, love how my legs feel freshly shaved and lathered with lotion.

Baking, love the smell and love the warmth it brings to the house and the pleasure it brings to my family- I make the best cookies in the New England :)

Old people, their stories, their humor, the way they say what they think without filter, even their crankiness, which I understand completely as they lose their ability to live their life as they had a little bit more every day.....

Babies, ( sound like a politician here) How they smell. The way they trust, pure innocence. Baby skin. Curious about the world.

Kittens, See above....LOL

Lobsta dipped in butta .....side of onion rings,,,,,,,,,,,

Fresh Pineapple

Coffee,,,,Merlot..... a day that starts with one and ends with the other.

Christmas .....it embodies everything I love, time with family, baking, usually someone has a new baby, and I love Christmas lights.....

Writing ,,,

General Hospital- yes the Soap Opera, I have been watching it religiously since I was 15 yikes,,,,,,31 years................

Law and Order

George Clooney....if I were dying he would be on my " Make A Wish" list.....

That is just a few and was pretty fun to think about.....

Have a Great Day Everyone!

When I see myself through others eyes.

The pictures my sister took while were away are now on Face book and I found myself really looking at the pictures and thinking two things,
1. I am in pictures, my decision to avoid them came early on in my weight loss process, it is about my granddaughter having concrete memories of me when I am gone. (I am a great avoid-er of pictures, always hating how I looked.)

2. I look better , but really have a ways to go.

The second thought is not a positive thought I know, but it is a real thought and is helpful for me to see, and here is why.
I have lost 41 pounds I see it on the scale and I have gone from a size 22 to an 18, in pants and a size 2X to a an extra large. I feel great about that, as any past post on my blog would indicate, but I have this problem that eats at my pysche. I have very few people who are noticing or if they are they are not saying anything. Why is this important to me? you might ask, and my answer would be, it helps me stay motivated, and feel good. I like/need positive reinforcement.
Last night I went out to dinner with my BF, and we went to a place where we frequent often and of course ran into people we knew. I looked good, I felt good, and he definitely notices that and comments and that is one thing I really appreciate about him. We bump into an older couple that I have been friends with for years and she can be very motherly with me and that is cool. She has four children my age and two girls and both have weight struggles. The younger decided to have bypass surgery and has lossed and maintained thus far a 100 plus pound loss. That was her decision and I respect it and am thrilled for her, but it just is not how I want to go, I want no unnecessary surgeries as I have had a few needed ones in my life already. I have thought about it, but decided to give weight watchers the final try and do not regret that decision at all.
Last night my friend again suggested I look into it, she has not seen me in months and the last time we spoke she knew I was on weight watchers. She did not notice my 41 pound weight loss. I was feeling hurt and spinning in my head, thinking she is just one of many who do not notice yet, or do not mention it of they do. To me that feels like I was soooooo fat that I can lose 41 pounds and no one notice. To my BF he said people are so wrapped up in their own life and thoughts that they do not notice other's changes. I am not sure if either if us are right but I am sure that I need to focus on what I think. I think I have lost 41 pounds and I look better and on my way to losing the rest of the weight and being as healthy and alive as possible for me and my family. I think that I chose Weight Watchers over gastric bypass and that it is working for me, Gastric by pass worked for my friend's daughter so we both made the right choices for ourselves. I think my friend loves me and wants to see me overcome my weight issues and be happy and she mentions the surgery to be supportive and while doing that she did not look to see if what I was doing was working, so I did the grown up mature thing and listened to her spiel. When she was done, I said, " I have lost 41 pounds since December when I started Weight Watchers and feel like I am on my right path." She was happy for me, and I felt better.
I am going to try and look at the pictures of me with a different set of eyes. To look at the body language of my granddaughter and I while we watch the clown show at our weekend away. She and I lean into each other and have great ease with each other, I love her like I can not describe and I am sure when she sees this picture years away she will see that and not the 80 pounds I still need to lose.

Home Sweet Home Oct 3 entry

Feeling very happy to be home and after reflecting on what a great weekend, I will pat myself on the back for doing a lot right. I made it through the buffets by choosing the most healthy items I could, minestrone soup instead of cream of anything, Turkey no gravy no stuffing, extra butternut squash, salad, no dressing. I skipped dessert, and used those points on a nice glass of wine. My granddaughter being three helped by not being able to sit through her Mimi eating. I only managed to eat half of what I took and ended up leaving the table to tend to granddaughter who would much rather be at the playground beyond the dining hall doors.
Being in charge of my granddaughter, reminded me of just how hard single parenting is and although I did it, and still am a single mom. my job is much easier seeing they are 23 and 25.
I am certain that any overeating I may have done was balanced by the carrying of a toddler who clearly decided early in the weekend that she had no intention of walking all the way through the campground, silly me for forgetting the stroller.
The rest of the week will be completely on track with no flex points and I have three days to really kick in some activity points and I am confident even after 4 buffets, the scale will move downward.
I have taken a great lesson from this weekend, it really dawned on me that this is the first trip in a long time where my focus was not on the food, I did not say " I will eat whatever I want and than just start again Monday." Nor did I feel denied, I felt good, the trip was about time with family and enjoying the fall weather and food was on the back of my mind! I am amazed and very happy, not all success is found on the scale.
Today I have already walked once with my walking buddy, and I am headed to the gym in a few minutes....Getting away is great but it also helps you appreciate " Home Sweet Home".

Buffets!! A Nightmare to negotiate! Oct 2

I survived the first of 5 Buffets that will be part of this Halloween escape weekend camping trip. I am here with my granddaughter ( 3) and my sister, brother in law and niece and nephew 8 and 10. The buffets are in the recreation hall about 1/2 mile from our campsite, two dinner, one lunch and two breakfast....oh my!
Even on my best behavior I used 15 flex points and two more for wine later that night. I feel I made good choices, skipped the stuffing with the turkey, no gravy, picked salad over chowder, no dressing...bread no butter, and NO to the strawberry shortcake. I feel I am overestimating on the points with my tracker at home ( online member).
There is a lot of walking on weekend getaway, and my granddaughter has decided to have no part of the walking and silly me forgot to pack a stroller.....so I am carrying her, and though my back is crying, in my head I am thinking activity points will balance out the accidental over indulgences that may happen due to not knowing the real point values.

Skipped lunch buffet...simple sandwich back at camp and attempted nap with baby girl. Lunch worked out well...nap not so much.

Off to Dinner,,,,,

Feeling Full ( written Oct 1 while away)

I am away from home for four days and three nights, writing in my blog
the old fashioned way and will input into my blog when I return.
Last night when we arrived and unpacked we made a supper of cold cut sandwiches, chips and pickles . Skipping the chips has become easier and easier these days, I really can not justify the points, I guess I like them less than I thought I did. Bread however is still a downfall and I was hungry from the ride and all the packing and unpacking that I knew I would have to watch myself as I could have easily had a second sandwich. I finished supper and I felt good, not full and that has been something I have truly learned this time around with my weight loss journey if I eat a reasonable size portion and not eat until I feel full, I will find that I am full with none of the uncomfortable feelings that i used to let be my guide. It is a learning curve there have been times that an hour after supper I have hunger signals again a low point piece of fruit or snacking on lean protein has satisfied me.
On a trip like this the old me would stop watching what I eat and just throw in the towel for the weekend and start over on Monday ( hopefully) now I know, to make my weigh loss continue and to maintain the weight loss I have to change all of my old ways and embrace that this is how we roll from here on out!