Almost 11 months into this journey, today took me by surprise. I found myself looking down the Barrel of a binge. It started innocent enough, I woke up feeling good, heck I am I am feeling good most days, I am looking at seeing 50 pounds lost soon, Onederland is on the horizon,I have made a real commitment to exercise. Things are good, Right?
I woke up and my Granddaughter had slept over and put in a request for waffles for breakfast. She was expecting the regular plain waffles hot off the waffle iron, but this Mimi decided to get fancy and made apple waffles with cinnamon. No Go, one taste and she wanted toast. Trust me they were good, it was her not the waffles as I had one. I threw the remaining 3 out the window for the birds.
After breakfast we had company and were busy right until I brought her home for 1. While the company was here I had one too many coffees, and I felt edgy, and no protein with breakfast and I passed on the donut holes that the company brought, even though I really wanted one. Now I am headed home and really hungry, seriously hungry and I know I have nothing at home, I need to shop. I call my sister, maybe she would like to do lunch, grab a salad somewhere. Nope, not today, I think Taco Bell, common sense prevails as I know I will crash and burn there, I skip Taco Belle. I could call in a salad, but I am thinking it will take too long, SUBWAY!! yes I can do that, very quick and very manageable. I walk in ready to order a six inch turkey and with all the veggies, grab my baked Lays, and BAM, right out the gate
" Sorry no wheat today, the artisan cheese bread is great" Somewhere between no wheat bread and the lady behind the counter annoying me with suggestions I left with a footlong ham and turrrrrrrrkey with swiss, oil and veggies ( notice I did get my healthy oils in) I came home and scarfed it down, not ate, scarfed....all 12 inches! For the love of Pete....It is now two in the afternoon and I have used all my points and I want more. I want ( block your eyes if you can not handle this) Chinese food, Fried clams with tartar sauce, M&M's and not the snack size, Chips with dip, and a large glass of milk, and of course any one who knows me knows I want Tiramasu.
Now I am in a bad place, and feeling very bad about everything and the only thing I can say right now that helps is, I did not binge, I wanted too, I still want to, but I did not and I will not., but I am not any less frightened by the thought.
Once that negativity came, all those awful feelings that came with that urge to binge, it has been a day of chasing them away.
I worked out, but not because I wanted too, and not to the best of my ability, I did despite the urge to just say " Forget about it" and that at least is a positive. All I can say is that I have learned by this today is that when a day like this happens, fake it till you make it. That is how I did not eat, I pretended that I could handle it and I pretended it was not as big as it felt and by doing that I won over the urge to binge. I exercised, I pretended I wanted too, and I did. I also learned that this has been building, I sensed it the other night when I had to guilt trip myself into exercising, I think I really need to think about what is going on in my head that I am fighting with myself over what I want and what I am willing to do to get there.
I would love to keep typing and try to decipher this but since I ate all my points by 2, I used 3.5 flex, a bag of popcorn and a piece of chocolate and now the kitchen is closed and I need to lock self in bedroom to get through the night with no noshing!
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