Today I am very happy, I have been courting a 40 pound weight loss for weeks now, ever since I reached 35 pounds lost. I have rolled the number around my head, spoke it in sentences like " I am almost at 40 pounds lost." or " Three more pounds and I have lost 40 pounds 1/3 of my weight loss goal."
It feels great, even though I missed the actual exact number, I lost two pounds this week bringing me to a weight loss of 41 pounds!
Rounded off numbers make me happy, for birthdays as well as weight loss. Odd numbers not so happy, not sure why but it certainly is true for me. Forty pounds or Forty one, means that I am committed to this journey more than I was say, Thirty three pounds ago, it signifies that I have past the turning back point, not that I ever really considered turning back, as all along my health has been the priority and the changes I have seen and felt there is nothing short of fantastic. No more sleep apnea, my GERD has taken a long vacation, it returns for short visits, but generally is gone. I walk with out Wheezing, not to be confused with walking without reason. I walk with purpose, and make sure I get exercise and constantly choose to park farther away from where I need to go.
This weekend before I start courting 50 pounds lost, I shall enjoy this conquest. I am going away for the weekend, camping with family for 4 nights and 5 days, the weatherman indicates that the first two days will be rainy and with three kids one cabin that could be a challenge, but we will go anyways. It will not be the only challenge, the food is included in the weekend escape and although I packed some healthy snacks for when we are left to our own devices, I know that the food offered is great but not the healthiest and I will have to be vigilant, but with this success behind me I feel confident.
I have made many changes along the way and I would love to end this blog post with one that truly made a difference for me, and it is " Blogging" I have seen insight by just writing my thoughts and challenges and picked up some great supportive friends along the way as an added bonus!
Here's to Forty One Pounds!!!

If I were a Cellphone...............

If I were a cell phone, I would need some SERIOUS charging. Twenty four hours of charging. I have been going for the week on just plugging in for a few hours here and there, you know what I mean? it feels like if I were a phone, I see the red light come on and I plug it in for a few car drives or 4 hours while I sleep.
I admittedly care for others much better than I do myself and the last three days I am feeling it. I am fighting off tears and anger, I have low hum in my head that I can not shut off, even when I lay my head down to sleep.
I am OP which is good, but it is automatic pilot and not the OP I like to be, I am not cooking meals I love, I am not pushing my body to exercise to the point of progress, just going through the motions. This happens less and less frequently than it used to so I see progress in the goal of taking better care of me, but I need the consistency, I need a a little voice on my shoulder that says " What have you done for Jenna today? "
Today after a week of taking care of everyone else I am taking a day for me. I am recharging. I will turn off the ringer on my cell phone and only responds to messages that are left of an emergency basis. I will exercise at the beach, a long coastal walk, followed by a Lobster Roll. I am packing for a weekend trip away with my granddaughter and my sister, brother in law and niece and nephew. Some gardening followed by a bubble bath and a night watching my favorite TV shows, I think that will do the trick!
Off I go, and hopefully my nest post I will be refreshed!

I put myself back on the List

Feels like I have not blogged in a week and actually it has been 5 days, not blogging has been just one more thing that got lost in the shuffle of a busy week taking care of others. I keep hearing the comment from Naomi Judd when being interviewed by Oprah last week, she described her weight issues and other life issues in forgetting to put her on the list of things/people to take care of, that is what I do in a nutshell. I have struggled to correct that this week and I am three quarters of the way there!
This has always been a struggle for me and I have heard it from several people. some paid some not, and a number of different ways and the bottom line is, I need to put me at the top of that list or I am no good for me or others.
The first indication that I was off the list was my post about eating bigger portions, good food but bigger portions and more of them than I should. That is a warning bell for me, I am no longer thinking " Am I hungry or sad, lonely, angry bored " when I take the time to ask myself this I can usually redirect myself with a walk or a nap even, but not another meal.
Yesterday was my eyeopener. I brought my Mother's husband to his follow up Dr appoint me, for his hospital stay last week. I call him my Mother's husband rather than my step-dad for a myriad of reasons and all reasons would qualify me to not be his caretaker. Suffice to say I will be a great caretaker of my mom until the day she passes but I would rather walk on glass than do the same for him. He complained about everything from my driving to the route I took to the temperature in the car, I had to remind him that the Dr for the 99th time said he needed to eat less and walk and that if he said one more word that his Walking would begin now and I would stop the car and he could walk home!
Why would I put someone whom mistreated me most of my life ahead of me on
" The List" My short answer to that question is that, it is habit by now to me, a habit I need to break, the longer answer is that I put him on the list to make my mother's life easier, and that it was the "right thing to do" but back to the short list. It is a habit, a habit of not taking care of me and my needs and recognizing that if I take care of me, I have all the patience in the world to take care of others whom depend on my time to time help. My mom needs my attention due to her health and limitations, my daughter being a single struggling mother, needs to be on my list for daycare and I have no resentments there. Sure there are days when it frazzles me, but they are choices I like to make, like me they belong on the list.
I have walked every morning this week with my buddy and have got my portions under control and today I am blogging! I know what to do, I just need to keep reminding myself to do it.
The message that my Mother's 81 year old husband was given yesterday is that he is at the end of his life, and he can still make choices to extend that end. He is diabetic and has Congestive heart failure and every time he decides to eat poorly and not walk or do what he can do for himself he expedites the ending. The Dr for whatever reason chose to try and make me take some responsibility and indicated that I should walk up and down the driveway with him when I am there to care for my mom, because he will not do it if left to his own devices. He also indicated that I should monitor his eating. My mother's husband is lucky he still has his senses, no Alzheimer's or dementia and he can walk. I could have left that office and taken on that Dr's suggestions, and really put myself farther back on " The List" or I can and I will do what I really see as the right thing and that is see this as my opportunity to put me right back at the top of my list. I care about myself, I want to feel good and be healthy that is why I started this journey. I will pass the Dr's information on to someone who has room on their list, even if that is a visiting nurse, and I will feel good about that.

Stop, take a deep breath, and stay the course.

Thursday, September 16, 2010
Post Image "Stop, take a deep breath, and stay the course. " That is one of the quotes I got when I logged in my three pound gain this week. The picture with my Post is the way I felt. Notice I said felt, not feel, as the advice I get here on Weight Watchers and from my fellow Weight Watchers reinforces what I already know, This is my Journey.
There is no straight line from point a to point b. There will be ups and downs and during week in which every day has been revolving around do I put down my cat that was hit by a car or do I trust that her steady progress will continue. I ask myself am I doing what is best for the kitty or me. She is improving and the vets assure me the pain patch she has on is keeping her free of pain and I have to trust their knowledge just as I trust the Weight Watchers Program.
I gained three pounds, yes I did, but I can say with 100% truth that the foods I ate were good for me, I ate too much undoubtedly but nothing that was bad for my health and I know the difference now, something I really struggled with before. I passed on the mac and cheese, as I knew 1 cup for 9 points really would be 3 cups of I stopped counting. No Mcdonalds drive through, that is a long post for another day but trust me when I say " There is nobody who likes a Big Mac and Large Fry, superized more than me. I can proudly say they have not crossed my lips in over 9 months, my mind yes, my lips no!
So what did I eat that helped the scale move up three pounds? German potato salad, 1 cup instead of half. Chicken Caesar Salad, the whole salad at 9 pm when I had already had supper at 6, I had it minus the caesar dressing, no bread with it, but still over my points. Gelato, just a cup, but a cup I did not have points left for. Merlot on Mon, again on Tuesday and yup last night too. I know what I did do, and did not do, I missed some key opportunities to exercise and I am sorry about that as yesterday when I did grab the opportunity I felt better, I even felt less stressed immediately....WHO KNEW! Another lesson learned and I watched Oprah when she had the Judds on this week and when Naomi was asked a question about how her life had gotten so out of control ( she looks great now) she answered " I forgot to put me on the list " boy that statement hit home....This week, I forgot to put me on the list. Lesson learned before it is " This Month I forgot to put me on the list"
I am Stopping, Taking a Deep Breath, and Staying the course.

I feel, well...CRAZY

Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Post Image Have you ever heard the expression ? " Being in your head alone is a dangerous place to be, don't go there alone." That is where I am today. I am over thinking everything and it is 7 AM!! I am struggling to stay on program this week, and want to eat everything and a lot of it! My head is taking control of the what to not eat, but portions have gone wrong. I have two days until I weigh in officially and unofficially the scale is up. That being said I thought about changing my weigh in day and than talked myself back down from that. My thinking was it would give me a new start, reality is every bite is a new start. I moved on to I need to go to meetings as I can throw away my scale here and be forced to weigh in once a week and not let the crazy voice in my head convince me that weighing in daily does not mess with my head, bottom line, weighing in daily messes with my head.
My schedule has changed and where as my job has given me two days of great AP's the gym and my morning walk has been nonexistent. The reason is that I have my Granddaughter different times, due to job, and my Step Dad is in hospital with Pneumonia and that means I am taking care of mom more. We had the big event with the poor kitty getting hit by the car and that has created half of the eating more scenario.
The new job is great for many reasons but not without a big problem that I can not really blog about but it is real and messing with my head. Writing this all down I see why that crazy little voice is back in my head, the one that belongs to the bad lil imp on my soldier saying
" Just eat, start back on Thursday when you officially weigh in."
" Salt and sweets would help you feel better."
" Forget the gym, you work hard enough at your job"
" Nothing makes you feel better like white bread and buttah"
" Get back on the scale, maybe it changed since 10 minutes ago."
So like I said, I feel CRAZY. I need my perspective back, I will start by seeing that the gain whether it stays or goes is about portions, as the food choices have been so much better. The feeling that I may need a meeting, well that is not a bad idea, that may be the added support I need right now to make it through this hurdle as I know that is what this is a hurdle. Taking back control is what I need to do, grab the whip and smack down that crazy imp on my shoulder. I can do this, I have been doing this, and really well. No excuses today, the gym. Look for a meeting that works for a day for me, and try it, and most importantly " JUST SAY NO TO WHITE BREAD AND BUTTAH" spoken with a a thick Boston accent. Today I am officially banned from going to my head alone.

oh yeah and ...." STAY OFF THE SCALE! "

Chicken and Rice Vs Macaroni and Cheese for comfort in a bowl.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I admit it. I will always seeks a comfort food for days like today. Yesterday my cat Sophie was hit by a car and I am still awaiting news from the Vet on her internal injuries. She has broken her pelvis in three places and a gash on her leg, and all that will require her to be kept in a crate and bed resting for a few weeks at home, providing that her internal injuries are survivable. I adopted her last year about this time, I fell in love with her sweet easy going disposition and admittedly dumb as a rock personality. I was not looking to adopt a cat as a matter of fact I was there on a weekly basis looking for my cat Penny, of 13 years whom I adopted from that very same shelter 13 years ago. I had moved and my new neighbors not being cats fans, complained to the landlord that my cat was a nuisance to them. They wanted her kept inside and she was a feral cat when I adopted her and she is far from that now, but did and always will want to go outside. My daughter took her to her home for me, and unfortunately she got out the very first day and went missing for 4 months! I posted pictures everywhere. checked the local vets, animal control, you name it. I tried it. No luck, however a few months into my weekly visits to the shelter I found Sophie. We adopted her and had high hopes that she would be an inside cat and had we not ( happily ) found Penny she may have been. Overjoyed to have Penny back, the downside was she taught Sophie her bad habits and out they both went. They are very compatible and I am happy to own them. I am heartbroken over Sophie getting hit and while waiting to hear back I find myself thinking in my pre Weight-watchers ways. I want to eat and console myself, I had breakfast with my sister and resisted the urge to order Eggs Benedict, or a Cheese omelet with extra cheese. Cheese is my drug of choice so to speak and so far I have resisted. I had a Western Sandwich for breakfast and instead of Mac and Cheese for lunch I opted for Chicken with Rice soup, 2 pts per cup verses 9 for Macaroni and Cheese. The farther along I get in this Weight watchers journey the easier it is to see the bad habits and theoretically break them, today is hard and long, as whatever news I get I need to remind myself that there is nothing I can eat that can fix this. One thing this journey has taught me is bad habits can be broken and if I can change so can Sophie and Penny, Fall is here, the weather is cool and Penny hates the cold ( it came with age) We will start using the front door where there is an entrance hallway and a lot harder for the cats to get outside, unlike the side door. Sophie being in a crate for a few weeks will help her get used to being an inside kitty. If I can change they can change.
Chicken and Rice Soup, for 2 Pts, beats Macaroni and cheese for 9...

I earned 22 AP's at work yesterday!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Second day at my new job and I had a LONG day. Started at 8 am and finished at 6 PM . There is downtime, when we sit in the morning and go over the day, ( Gardening for a Landscape Company) and the traveling between jobs. We loaded up two pick up trucks full of perennials and unloaded and planted them all! Over 150 of them. I still love the job, and also am thrilled over the approx 22 AP's I earned, I actually think it was more than that. The job will entail 2 or three days a week, Jan and Feb off and than full time in March. It has inspired me in just two days to continue to follow my dreams of doing what I love for work, first the gardening and than writing.
I am tired and sore but in a good way and grateful that I had lost 36 pounds before starting the job and have been exercising as it helps with the physicality of this job!
I am thinking of looking into some classes for Horticulture and maybe even take my love of gardening a step further. All seems right in my world right now, and even though this week the scale did not move I am happy with my weight loss efforts. I packed great lunches both days and walked on the day in between working to get AP's in and will again today. I do not weigh in officially until Thursday and the scale is up this morning, but I am going tor trust the program, I am doing what is needed and it will reward me!
I am showing a picture of just one of the gardens of one of our clients, this is the estate I worked on on Wednesday and this is one of 12 gardens and it is called " The Children's Garden "

Dahlias! and Gratitude.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

On my table in the kitchen sits a vase full of the most beautiful Dahlias, hand cut from a garden I tended yesterday. I loved my first day at my new job, tomorrow will be my second. The Dahlias were growing in area the size of my kitchen and living room combined, the entire garden is the size of a football field. It is one of 10 gardens on an estate. I left there and have said several times out loud and to myself that I have never seen such austerity in my life ( outside of watching Dynasty as a kid, I am dating myself now!) We were given permission by the owner to cut some and bring them home as they were not having any events in the nest few weeks and it would be a waste to see them go by. It is their cutting gardens and if I stay on I will also cut and arrange flowers for every room in the mansion to be put in vases for such events. The garden was lined by Hydrangeas and I weeded a daylilly garden with the help of three others and we will go back tomorrow to work in the Tea Garden! I was shown the service entrance where the bathroom is available and advised that should an alarm go off I shall tell the police what company I work for and I should be all set.
I am thinking that this new job will be great for my Weight Loss efforts as well, as walking from one garden to the next and weeding has left my legs sore, as sore as I have been at the end of a weight bearing training session. I bend as in doing squats to weed, as that is the easiest on my back and great for my legs.
I am beyond grateful for this job, and I can hardly wait to see the other clients homes that we take care if their gardens and I must say that I am grateful for the life I have, overweight and all. One thing struck me about this big beautiful Estate, it seemed lonely, perfectly tended gardens but no one out in them, flowers waiting to be picked for an event but otherwise no one seeing them. A life beyond the stonewall, that is only interrupted by the workers paid to come in and take care of the maintenance. '
Today while tending to my modest, small gardens, I stopped and chatted with several neighbors, the mailman and I exchanged pleasantries, and the little boy who lives upstairs helped me plant mums. I will enjoy this job, and at times I may envy the appearance of no money woes that my clients may have, I will certainly not envy the seclusion.

Starting New Job today....

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

So after being unemployed for a year, I start my new job today...New Career Path as well. I am so stressed ( just nerves, I know, change is good) Let me say that this just may be the beginning of me finally doing for work what I love. I have always done what supports me and the girls in a nice comfortable manner ( being a single mom) This is about paying the bills for me, living a better quality of life, no more sales quota's, calling people asking for big purchase orders and answering to a high pressure boss.
I am start today in a company that designs and installs and maintains gardens. Yup, I am going to garden all day long and get paid for it. Part time to start and full time in March. This is the just the beginning, my other love is writing and I will have time for both :)
I feel the wind of change blowing..............

Forgive me stomach as I have binged

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

1:15 am and I am awake with a very sick stomach. The pit of my stomach is aching and I can not sleep. I ate at 6:00 pm fried clams and fish with onion rings and while I had enough points and counted the points, I do not have a tolerance for such foods anymore. I owe my self and my stomach an apology and amends.
How many times in my life have a done this, I can not even count, but I can say in the last 8 months it has been far and few between.
I have eaten 6 tums, and drank water and my stomach still is in pain and my mouth as dry as the sahara desert. I keep getting up and taking little shots of milk hoping to coat it, even though I know that it is futile I have to pay this price.
This meal was my idea a fitting end to summer I thought...and as I go back to bed I am thinking again.." Forgive me stomach as I have binged.

Just a blog post

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Trying hard to blog 30 times in 30 days, been busy helping my sister move this weekend...many activity points and a hard time tracking points! Will catch up in the morning

Summer please Don't Go...

Saturday, September 04, 2010

My windows are open with a cool breeze that as good as it feels, I know it means that Fall is upon us. I hate to see this summer come to an end, the lazy beach days behind me. It was a great summer and I have certainly enjoyed it more than I have the last few, and made some great discoveries about me.
I feel good about overcoming my swimsuit fears and even as the picture with my blog indicates I have given up hiding from the camera.
My Granddaughter is almost three and if all goes according to plans she will have pictures of me for years after I am gone and know that I have enjoyed every minute of my time with her. I have not felt that way before, this is new and I like it. I have some pictures of her and I last year in a pool, you can see my leg! Trick or Treating last October, yeah that is my hand holding hers. Christmas pictures, a foot here and there, I am a pro at hiding from pictures and my family know the unspoken rule to crop me out.
This summer I changed that, somewhere along this journey I learned if I can not look in the mirror or a picture and like and accept me, than how can I ever care enough about me to change and take better care of me. I need to love me as much as my Granddaughter loves me, and you know what? I do!! I can look at the picture and see that we are at the beach having a great time, and we look as happy as we are, and the size of my thighs can not change that.
I am sad to see summer come to a close, but I am confident the changes that came with summer this year, are here to stay and we will see more than Mimi's hand in the Halloween pics of this year!

Gym Etiquette?? Is there some I Should know about ???

Friday, September 03, 2010

I earned 7 Activity points today and the first three were relatively easy, my morning walk with my buddy. I am noticing ( happily) that my morning walk is getting easier and easier and I know that it might mean it is time to turn it up a notch. I worry that my walking buddy may not like that idea as she is still holding a grudge over the walk around the lake a couple weeks back, I am geographically challenged and what should have been 4 miles ended up being 5!
I made it to the gym in time to watch General Hospital but I think the gym in anticipation for the cool weather that Hurricane Earl may usher our way, turned down the the air conditioning. More likely is that I put the elevation to 2 and walked a 3.9 mile per hour and that is a push for me. I became a sweating machine in minutes and I forgot my cute little towel I bought for these occasions, and boy did I need it. I looked to my left and right and being a holiday weekend, there was not many people beside me or near and I wiped my brow, upper lip, and face with my oversized T-shirt. There is nothing dainty, cute or mildly attractive about the sweating I had going on. I was obsessing over it ( in between watching my soap opera of course) the look around and wipe with the T-shirt became part of the work out. I was thankful that I generously applied my antiperspirant before I left the house or clearly I would have found a " You Smell " stuck to my locker when I returned to it! I was tempted to stop for vanity sake, but common sense prevailed as this is what a gym is for..Correct? I am suppose to be exercising hard enough to sweat, I am suppose to be breathing heavy, but why for heaven-sake do I find myself asking myself these questions?
My answer is I am still out of my comfort zone at the gym, it has been a month and I still feel like it is a foreign place, I know it will get better as I do recall being a regular at a gym quite a few years ago and I look forward to that feeling again. The treadmill is becoming my friend, and I am going to make friends with the elliptical, I do love its name, the stair stepper, I am not sure we will get along, I will keep that under advisement. Note to myself on Monday... Bring the cute pink sweat towel...from here out, I am gonna need it!

" Let them Eat Cake !!

09/02/2010 4:39:19 PM

I am a Happy Girl, I was so hoping to salvage my week from a pointy start last Thursday, and not only did I salvage it, I lost two pounds! I ate Cake and lost weight!
I love Cake, and not in the " I am a sweet eater kind of way." I love cake more than any other food or dessert. I am a baker and I can make cookies galore and I do at the holidays and people comment that I am the Best cookie maker in the world, but cookies do nothing for me. Grapenut Pudding and Bread Pudding, great recipes for them and people request I make them for them. Pies, same story. I love to bake and I am darn good at it. I make awful cakes, but let me say, I know the best places to buy the best cakes at. I am a firm believer in know your weakness's and cake making is mine.
Last Thursday was my daughter's 25th Birthday and I made a dinner and bought a decadent variety of cup cakes to celebrate. Death by Chocolate and Lemon trifle and a Mocha concoction. By the end of the evening I had used all my dailies and 25 of my weeklies and by Sunday I had no weeklies left. I stayed OP though and worked out and brought my activity points's to a respectable level and lo and behold I lost two pounds!!
Two pounds away from 40 pounds lost, I can see that I am going to get there. Forty pounds is a third of my way to goal. Forty pounds brings me to twenty one pounds away from being in onederland for the first time in years, but beyond all of that it is two pounds that showed me I can have my cake and eat it too!!
" Let them Eat Cake!!!

SO....August for me equaled 8 Pounds Lost!

09/01/2010 8:09:00 AM

While thinking about what I wanted September to be for me, I decided to look over my past months and take a snap shot of my weight loss. I am thrilled to report that this past month I lost 8 pounds, the most weight I have lost in a month since starting Dec 26th 2009!! Seven was the most common amount and there was May and June when I gained overall. I am a thinker and so for me this Begs the Question " What was so different about August? Well the answer is, there is no one thing, but a combination fo a few, but if I had to pick one common denominator it is, me, I am different.
I blogged 21 posts!, another record for me. I really looked at what was needed to reach my goal and than implemented some changes, and by blogging them, i can reflect on them.
I found out early in the month that for the whole duration of my journey I was counting half and half as three points and I was really consuming 8-9 points worth a day! I gave it up and instead use Soy Milk vanilla flavored and not only saved points I also got in another dairy serving that I had been lacking.
I had a heart scare that turned out well, but really made me prioritize my exercising and that brings me to a really big change, I am actually using my gym membership and adding exercise to me morning walk. Exercising twice a day...who would have thought!!?? Again what has changed....well here it is again...ME!!
I made a 30 day contract to stay away from my boyfriend ( still not sure whether to call him ex or not...) until we can work out some real differences or not and than move on and that has been a huge change as we spent a lot of time together dining out and having more wine, which sadly eats up a lot of my points.
So here I am looking at September and I know that I can Rock it with Weight loss, just by continuing what I did in September and add a little more gym time, and a little less, Wine and Dining...as I still had a day or two there that put me over the top with points!
I am going out on a limb here for me,,,, 10 Pounds for September....starting NOW!!!!

Thinking of Ap's as Overdraft Protection

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Let me preface by saying I am in the last person in the world you would hear these words " Thank Goodness for exercise!" but this week that is what I am saying!
When I joined Weight Watchers at one of my earlier attempts that did not work out as well as this one seems to be, I was explained the whole point system. I remember my leader telling me to think of the points as a checking account( admittedly that may have helped derail me than as my checkbook skills need tweaking). However this time around her words have stuck with me and that is how I think of it, and I look at the 35 weeklies as my savings and Ap's as time exercising ( or working overtime for the extras).
My Weigh in day is Thursday and as noted a few post back on my blog, I used all my weeklies in the first two days of this week and I am having a hard time staying within my dailies. Well yesterday I woke up and looked at my Points Tracker and lo and behold I was -6 YIKES!!! Negative Six!!! Now what!! I do not want to accept that I may not lose this week, I mean if I don't lose I am in no danger of jumping off a ledge, but I would be pretty bummed out. Well yesterday I went for my morning walk and logged it on my point tracker and BINGO.... my three points earned brought me to Negative 3, Woo Hoo!! I get it... I really get it. I worked out at the gym and now I am even. The checking account is no longer in the red so to speak. I am planning on another gym work out and will do a walking with Leslie Samsone as the weather outside is hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk, plus if I go to the gym later that will add three for a total of my 6 more dollars, oops I mean AP's top the tracker.
So yes I splurged and spent all my points for the week, but all is not lost as I am working out the equivalent of working overtime to afford my luxury items. Theoretically when Thursday comes and I step on the scale all my working out will have balanced the books and maybe even put enough in the savings to show some success!!! I am going to succeed this time I can see the difference as in the past when I hit Monday and saw that Negative six I would have said " Forget this week, I blew it, I will start out new on Thursday." and eat and my guess is eat again...and on Thursday I may or may not start again, clearly on one Thursday I chose not to, for a few years. That Jenna is gone, now I know I have better choices, just work some overtime!!!

Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so tired.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I spent most of my day at the Beach, relaxing and resting on a chair laying in the sun, and I am exhausted! Ever wonder why that happens? I am wondering that tonight, I can hardly keep my eyes open at 8:00 PM!
It was a great day spent with my sister and my niece and nephew ages 10 and 9. The tide was coming in and the waves were incredible as Danielle ( Hurricane) is in the Atlantic and I have never seen such waves up close. We played in the water and I really enjoyed myself and I know that I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, but I did not let myself get caught up in feeling self conscious in my bathing suit. This is new to me this summer. I decided at the beginning of the summer that I was buying a bathing suit and I was not going to tear myself down with criticism and instead accept that this is how I look right now and it is better than I looked last year and it is on my way to looking even better next year. It worked, as I really am comfortable in my suit and I am confident that it will be too big next year!
I would love to go on and on about how busy the beach was and how incredible it was to run in and out of the waves and marvel at how large they were and how, you would just have one crash on you and another was right on its heels.....but seriously...." Did I mention that I am soooo tired! "
I am going to bed....Good Night :)

Fettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh no, Fettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh noFettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh no,

Friday, August 27, 2010

Fettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh no, Fettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh no, Fettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh no, ( picture humming Lions and Tigers and Bears oh no, from the Wizard of Oz) that was my last night, dinner for my daughter and oh yes, lemon cake that does not fit into the song quite as well.
My first day of the week and I used 25 of my extra weeklies! The food was awesome, as I admittedly know my way around a kitchen and have no modesty there. I would love to tell you that it was worth the points, but I can not cause here is the thing.
Going back a few posts ago, I was complaining about needing a stress test and checking to be sure that my heart was fine as along with a family history of heart diseases I have been having episodes of chest pain. While happily for me and my heart the Dr determined my heart is great, and my stomach may be the problem. I can tell you there is no need for stomach tests....I ran them myself with last nights Birthday Dinner for dear daughter. All the cream, butter and fat in every delicious bite has wreaked ungodly havoc and 24 hours later my chest and tummy are still performing!
Eating lighter today was no problem and I think Ia m totally up to the challenge of staying within my daily point range for 6 days as I can say with 100 percent surety, I will be eating a lot better, kinder and gentler...
Add to the fact that babysitting has kept me from the gym for the last two days, I am now looking at five days in a row, no excuses! I am looking at pulling a rabbit out of my hat to see weight loss this week, however I love rabbits....
There is no moral to my story, it was an occasion that the menu was what it was, and I made the best of the situation, I ate a little of everything and I recognized that it would mean the rest of the weak was going to be tough. The only lesson I can see from here is, I do not need a Dr to confirm that my stomach is the root of my chest pain, I just needed "Fettacine Alfredo, cake and blue cheese oh no, "

When doing for others, feels like your undoing.....

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Today undoubtedly will be a tough day. It started with a call last night from my youngest daughter asking me to babysit my granddaughter while she works from 2-10:00 today. I will keep the baby overnight, and it falls right when I would be going to the gym. A normal day I would say no problem I will go in the morning, but today is no normal day, it is my older daughter's 25th Birthday ( gasp, as I still can not believe she is 25) The plan for her B-day was that I will take her and her BF out to dinner as we always do dinner together on her B-day. Taking a two year old out to
a nice restaraunt is just something I do not like to do especially in the evenings as I feel people pay good money for a dinner out and two year olds are for family restaurants or earlier times during the day. It is my issue but it is what I think..now I am looking at cooking for my daughter and she is great with that as she loves how I cook, but I am making her her favorite meal and it is everything my eating should not be, with sides of everything else bad. It is her day and her favorite meal and she is not trying to lose weight so I can not justify, searching for low cal substitutions. No gym as I had to shop all morning and soon will go pick up granddaughter.
Birthday dinner will be Fettuccine Alfredo with Broccoli, Garlic Bread, and a Wedge salad, followed by Death By Chocolate B-day cake..followed by me cringing over the possibilities of me not having enough points to get through the rest of the week.
On a positive note, this is my weigh in day and I am down 1 pounds and have 35 flex points in the bank. I also am sending home all leftovers with the Birthday girl and I do have a stroller and I can walk my granddaughter for some AP's.
These days will come and it is up to me to manage them, but boy it is hard. My grocery carriage was full of all items that I have not seen the inside of my refidgerator since January and just looking at them I think I gained a pound or two.....arrrrgh.....

Now one good thing about all of this is,,, I am thinking about it and planning on counting every bite, and my day off from the gym will be today and not Sunday as planned, keeping the goal of 6 days in a week.

I think I can. I think I can, I think I can ,,, I think I can.,,,,

Day Three at the Gym , and a " Steamy Surpise!"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Now I admit that the title of this post is a little deceptive, as it is not McDreamy from Grey's Anatamy that I found at the gym, or my personal favorite George Clooney, it is not a guy at all. I realized today that my gym has a steam bath! I love steam baths! I must give a little back story to have anyone fully understand my love with steam baths.

Seven years ago before I put on approx 80 pounds, I was a patron at another gym across town. I was in better shape yet still had weight to lose, about 40 pounds to be exact, I hired a trainer and worked out religiously. I lost 30 of the pounds and well you know the rest, gained them back plus the 80. Whats done is done.

One of my treats at that time being that it was Winter and Winter in New England is cold and snowy and long, and cold and snowy and long, most of the time. I would work out at the end of the day and than bring my pajama bottoms with me and take a long steam bath, followed by a shower and a sauna.....H* E*A*V*EN... and toasty warm, I would sleep like a baby and my skin looked fantastic and I felt like it was an added incentive to go, ok some days the only incentive!

Today while poking around in the locker room, I noticed that this gym recently added the steam bath as I have been a paying customer since Jan of this year but I have been there more this week ( 3 times) that I have since I joined. I am elated and I came home and did the towel check through my bathroom towels. Which towel do I have that fits under my arms all the way around and covers my belly and is long enough that I feel comfortable in the gym locker room, and yes I found one! So we may be enjoying the summer now but Fall and Winter is coming and now I have one more reason to go to that gym :)

Day three at the gym went well, I watched all of General Hospital and walked for 55 minutes 5 warm up, 45 at level 2 and 3.8 speed, and than 5 minutes of cool down and I eyed the recumbent bikes.... next year I want to be out bike riding as I have loved it in the past and I want it to be part of my future, so maybe after this week, I can work in 20 minutes of biking. I feel my confidence coming back, and I like it :)

Gyminy Cricket!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

This is the week that I am taking on the gym head on! After my stress test last week, I feel like I was given a gift with the Cardiologist telling me heart was 100% great and that I am fine to up my exercise routine. I have since that appointment had a great long walk at one of my favorite local parks, a 5 mile walk around a lake that was very challenging and plan on taking that walk twice a week. The gym though always alludes me and I need to change that. This is the perfect week for it as my walking buddy is away and the rain is here to stay until Thursday.
Yesterday I went at 3:00 and walked through my favorite afternoon past time, watching General Hospital, ( I have followed that soap since I was 14 years old!)
I set the treadmill to 1 elevation and after a 5 min warm up I walked a 4 mile an hour pace, and the combination was enough to keep my heart rate at the 85% that the cardiologist recommended for 45 minutes! I was sweating up a storm and feeling pretty good about the pace, and that is what I want, I want to feel good about me.
I eyed the other equipment and I plan on trying it, one thing at a time though, first I really want a comfort zone. This week will be dedicated to finding that comfort zone.

Half way into my workout I realized I did not come to the gym alone, as the little guy and voice that has been silent for awhile, you know the one who sits on our shoulders and offers negative thoughts and comments, well he was back. All of a sudden I heard, " These pants you are wearing do nothing for that area around your waist "

I have an area that despite losing 35 pounds, my tummy seems to hang over my waist and the workout pants that I wore yesterday really emphasized that spot. So even watching General and I eye spying what other walkers were doing , I was still able to obsess over my overhang and whether anyone was noticing it and if it was shaking like a bowl full of jello as I walked....YIKES!! Hear what I am saying, I just could not silence that voice that tries to undermine my progress. That little voice on my shoulder always pops up, and I can silence it most times, but sometimes like at that moment I am all ears, I hear it and react to it and obsess over the message. Even after the workout and feeling pretty happy with my progress, I spent a lot of time last night looking for exercises to minimize that area, and thinking of what I can wear to minimize it at the gym.... and until right now, and my rationale mind coming back, I forgot that it is smaller, and that is from what I am doing, eating fantastically and exercising to the best of my ability and silencing that voice. That little voice will not find away to keep me from the gym, or my more importantly my goal of obtaining the weight loss and health I so want and deserve. Today is day two of 6 days at the gym, and I will do it and that much smaller area can shake like a bowl full of jello, as I am sure that it is shaking itself free of me!

Dealing with my Loneliness

Saturday, August 21, 2010

So I am really feeling lonely tonight, it is consuming me at times and I know that it will pass and I have not decided to keep myself company with a sleeve of Oreos as I may have in the past. I have never ever just had one Oreo, always a sleeve...dipped in milk,,,ok, ENOUGH!
What I did instead was I went for a walk at the park , my usual walk that I take at 7 am with my walking buddy. we tend to not walk on weekends, just Mon thru Fri. I was amazed at how busy the place is in the evening. It is a figure 8 that is .91 miles and it is spread out and there is 8 soft ball fields and a playground, as well as two areas to play some hoop. The views are great as it is along the River, and shaded with trees. I walked it three times.
My morning walks there is just fellow walkers as well as a doggy playgroup that meets every morning. It was the perfect place to combat my feeling of being alone. People were everywhere and kids and softball games being played. I was astounded by the difference of morning and night there. It did me good, for a few reasons. I know I am lonely because I am taking a 30 day break from my significant other, we were together but not in a healthy way anymore, we both had really just stopped trying and before we ended up not liking each other, or hurting each other we walked away and I know in my heart it is the right thing. My fear is never that I will be alone, I generally like my own company, it is more that I will be with someone and be alone, like that couple we have all seen in a restaurant, eating there meal in silence as they no longer speak or have any common interest, that is what I call truly alone. So I saw some of that while I was out walking, as well as some very happy couples, young and old.
While watching the softball games and walking I wondered if I had played sports if this lifelong Weight issue would have been nonexistent, and was happy thinking maybe that will spare some of the players the battle I have had, most of the women I saw playing were pretty trim. There was as many spouses watching as there were playing and it reminded me that when and if I venture back out into the dating world, I would be wise to find someone who likes being active, kind of like my walking buddy, someone to keep going when we want to stop. Just thinking those thoughts helped lift the loneliness, as it reminded me it will pass, I will move forward, my mind was already moving forward.
I have plenty of family and friends that I can go visit and I have, without wearing out my welcome, but I see the importance to sit ( or walk) with my feelings and feel them, and I see that the Oreos and Milk, was me stuffing those feelings down. This was the first time I have really been able to identify what overeating did for me. I had heard it, I knew it on every level, but I had never been able to put my finger right on it, while it was happening. I do believe that is what the difference is this time for me.

35 Gone small goal of 26, Bring it on, I mean off!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Feeling successful has to be one if the best feelings in the world and quite contagious. I am so happy that after weighing in yesterday I learned I lost three pounds and hit 35 pounds lost. I just love the number that end with five or zero, for some reason they feel more significant for me.
It has taken me 8 months to lose 35 pounds and I really thought when I began this journey that I would lose 100 in a year and people on the boards gave me great advice, and that was do not give yourself a time table as disappointment will be soon to follow, and as as most times, they were right. I have got passed that hurdle and really accepted that this is a journey that will take some significant time, but it is doable. I have learned so much, and really have grown to accept that I can do this and I am worth the effort and the time. Before I started I was really on the fence, I thought age was against me and so was premenopause, as well as genetics. I was so wrong, yes they are obstacles but just obstacles and like any they are to be handled and maneuvered around. Every day prior to me starting Weight watchers this final time, I considered lap band surgery. admittedly a month or so in I was still thinking it may be my only way. As much as I respect everyone's own path for weight loss I have a few thoughts of my own on surgery for weight loss and it always left me feeling defeated when I entertained the idea. I am so happy that I pushed through those thoughts and really gave 100 percent to this weight loss journey as I am seeing for myself that I can do it!!
So I woke up this morning with numbers dancing in my head. Thirty Five down, Twenty Six is a great short term goal as it accomplishes two major milestones for me, 1. I will be at my half way point as my goal is to lose 120 pounds and 2. I will be in Onderland, a place I have not visited in 7 years! I will give myself all the time needed but will ideally aim for by Thanksgiving as I feel like it will propel me through the holidays and keep my momentum going!! So the bar is set and now I just have to plan my way through, and I know I can as I said feeling successful is contagious!

Cardiologist just gave me 1 Year Heart Warranty!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I had my stress test today and he officially cleared me of any heart issues!! I am very happy and even ready to step up the exercise even more than my daily walks. He feels my chest discomfort and symptoms are of the stomach nature GERD ( what a name huh??) anyways I am relieved.
He told me that my blood pressure is much better, thanks to losing 33 pounds and to keep at it, even increase my exercising. He feels a stress test has a shelf life of a year, a year warranty so to speak! While on the treadmill, he brought my heart to 85% and said that is what I should be doing for exercise 45 minutes a day for 5 days a week! I was sweating and I will tell you that that is not the intensity I have been walking and maybe that is the next level needed to kick the scales butt!! We kept going and I walked at 95% for a couple of minutes and my heart according to him, was " Perfect!" ( note to kids if I step up my exercising and have a heart attack, my cardiologist number is on the fridge and the the Lawyers number is on the.....kidding) So I feel great about that and ready to up the Ante!!

I have been treated for GERD before and stopped the medication as it was so much better, no heartburn at all, but he said it can be subtle and this may be the symptoms I have with the weight loss, but as far as he is concerned as a cardiologist, the heart is good! Tomorrow is my weigh in day and today I am going to do some research on heart rate monitors so that my workouts will be more effective and longer in duration.

My Beach Day

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sunday was spent on a private Beach of my dear friend Gwen whom is is always generous with her Beach house and welcomes her friends there as much and as frequently as they can make the trip. I love it there, and it is less than an hour from my house, and whenever I get there I always think, why am I not coming more frequently. I went this time with another close friend, and we all are mutual friends of Gwen we met some of Gwen's other friends as well.
It was a great day and one of those days where I was reflective and did a lot more listening than I did talking. We were a pretty diverse group of women, four of us were friends that had met in the last four years at a place of employment, and that was where I fit in. Four of the other women were friends of Gwen's and they were from different areas of her life.
It struck me how quick women's conversation goes to our bodies and are issues with them! A few of us were overweight and a few of us very thin and maybe even underweight, but all of us, had something to share about what were trying to work on.
Gwen herself is on a program that is 16 weeks of cardio/weight training and a very rigid plan of eating. No alcohol for the first 16 weeks and slowly introducing some foods and alcohol back in. She has lost 14 pounds and she looks good, I was admittedly jealous at first as I have lost 33 and felt that it was not as apparent. I put myself in check by reminding myself that I am starting at a higher weight, but even more importantly I am doing great and feeling good that I can eat anything I want and that I am in charge of that. I have tried diets where I am dictated as to what is ok and not ( who of us has not) and they do not work in the long run for me. Not to mention 16 Weeks of this program is $1000.00! To me that is way out of budget, maybe not to Gwen and I am glad that for her it is working but in my heart of hearts I can not justify that. Point is though no matter what the economical bracket or age or cultural background, this issue of our weight and body image is always there. While listening and taking it all in, I heard everything from, " I work at it daily to stay the way I am " to " I have given up, after spending years restricting what I eat" to " I will go to my grave, wanting to weigh less". It struck me that I am very lucky to be at a place right now where I am 90% happy with how I am eating, and feeling and looking. The remaining 10% is what I am working on, it is the little jealous feeling I get when I think someone else has lost quicker or is having better results with their efforts than I am mine, and I recover quick from those thoughts and I think that is due to my blogging as well as the support that is found in this online community. I will reach my goal of weight loss and more importantly maintaining the weight loss without feeling like I am a slave to a diet or exercise regime.
Thats it, Thats all..............

Good Bye Half and Half, this hurts me more than you.

08/14/2010 7:12:47 AM The day has come where I must take some drastic steps, to save myself some fat and a few daily points!

My typical morning starts with the love of my life, yup, a cup of coffee! The recipe for my morning bliss is coffee, hot off the Keurig, add one packet of splenda, and Half and Half, ( sigh). Times three through the course of the morning. My tracking indicates it is 3 points worth of Half and Hal, if I am only using 2 tablespoons per cup. My guess is, that to get my coffee to that nice beige color with the consistency of silk,,,mmm, I can taste it now, it is way more than 2 tablespoons and that makes the daily points even higher than what I am allowing.

Did you know that 3/4 of the calories in half and half are from fat?! We are not talking olive oil here either! Unfortunately there is another problem I am having with it, I have decided to really try to " Eat Clean " and after milk, and cream is listed, there is something called "Disodium Phosphate" first thing I see wrong with that is " Sodium"

So Goodbye my friend, sad to see you go, but we have hit a crossroad, I am losing weight, which means I am losing available points and some sacrificing has to be done.
I have replaced you with (gulp) " Soy Milk" yes I said the " Soy Milk"! no laughing or Mooing!

I have done some research here, and by research I mean I went on the Weight Watchers boards and asked advice from everyone on what they use as half and half substitute that is point friendly and cleaner. I already decided that I will not go with a fat free creamer that has a list of ingredients the length of my arm. The popular vote was Silk Soymilk, and the ingredient list with the exception of Carrageenan was impressive. I knew what everything was and the points friendliness is amazing!
So I googled " Carrageenans or carrageenins (pronounced /ˌkærəˈɡiːnənz/, with a hard g) are a family of linear sulfated polysaccharides which are extracted from red seaweeds." and I focused on seaweed...OK, that sounds clean,,,,,

So I am out the gate and my first impression on the Silk Soy milk, very vanilla... the color is not to my liking, BUT the taste not bad and it is creamy texture. I will give this an honest try....Moooooooove over Half and half........... sorry I could not resist that.

Where I am at today

08/13/2010 5:04:09 PM
I had a productive busy day and it feels good. I walked this morning and than came home and gardened for 2 hours, than ran errands and came back and totally cleaned the house, washed the floors even! The house does not get to bad seeing I am the only one living here, but I did have my Granddaughter and trust me at 2.5 she can search and destroy. Her room will be tackled tomorrow. I think I earned quite a few Activity points.

So I am still flying solo as the BF, not sure that is appropriate name anymore, but nonetheless, we are not together and typically Friday Night is the night we go out to that place everyone knows our name. I decided to give that up for awhile just so we do not happen to bump into one another and so I do not have to keep hearing
" Where is your other half ? ".

I made plans to do something I have wanted to do all summer and that is go to the ocean and eat outside at a restaurant overlooking the water. I love the ocean and it amazes me that it is August and this is my first time having dinner outside. I am meeting my Cousin/Friend she is very much both!

I checked out the menu and I plan on having a fish dish that is baked with veggies,
white wine and olive oil. My only pointy indulgence will be one Lemon Drop Martini, ( she is driving ). Feels good to be going out and not sulking about how different things are, and not eating my way though the stress.

I am truly in a good place, no need to even fake it til I make it... Yay :)

Dear Scale,

08/12/2010 7:38:11 AM

Dear Scale,

Thank you for being kind to me today, I really needed it. Yes I know I did not lose but I did not gain either. I am particularly happy that you managed to stay away from me all week, even though I was tempted to seek you out, you stayed tucked away until I really needed you today, my weigh in day.

I know you may not understand that when I visit you every day and sometimes three and four times a day you really are no good for my moral. Please do not take it personally as it is not your fault that the number you give me truly can fluctuate drastically from one day for different reasons. I have decided that until you can talk to me like I need to be spoken too I must stick to once a week weigh in, and climb on you with a grain of salt not much weight in a grain of salt!)

I can tell you that I certainly can change my mind, I would be willing to reconsider, but here is what it will take. When I climb on, with just me and my grain of salt, and the number has gone up 4 pounds, I want to hear why, for example " Goodmorning Jennifer, you have gained 4 pounds, please relax though, it was a water gain, remember you ate a hotdog this week, with low fat chips that contain a lot of sodium, please check back tomorrow." or maybe " Goodmorning Jennifer, this week you stayed the same, no weight loss, but remember that sometimes happens when you have lost for three weeks in a row." or better still " Please step away from the scale the humidity level is at 100% and so it your water retention!"

So Dear Scale, I know it is not your fault but until I can get my reaction to your many fluctuations, I am resigned to once a week and in the meantime, I will gauge my progress by how I feel and how my clothes fit because unlike you, they tell the real story!

Categories: General, Health, My weight loss

My head is back in the game!! Woo Hoo!

Yesterday I was a little spun up about my Dr's wanting to do a Stress test and and feeling a little defeated, thoughts of Chinese food and Fried Clams with tartar sauce started dancing through my head. I was sliding into the ole " I might as well eat what I want until after the tests as obviously my efforts thus far have not helped." It never ceases to amaze me how ready that little voice in my head is to jump in and sabotage all my hard work. I talked myself down from the first round with my little voice and reminded myself that I am ahead of the game, when the Dr suggest a life style change, well I have done that already! Lose Weight..NO Problem I have been and will just continue to do what I am doing.

One round won with the little voice, and than nighttime fell. I wanted to eat again and that little voice was egging me on, " Wouldn't Chips and Dip, make you feel better? Ice cream maybe? "
Lucky for me, months ago I cleaned out my cupboards and fridge of all foods that were not in the best interest of my health and weight loss efforts. The only thing in the house that could get me in trouble was Merlot and chocolate and as much as I love both, a little will do me, and a lot will do me in! I buy the most decadent Dark Chocolate I can afford and keep it in my desk drawer for a bite a day for coincidentally, my heart :)
Merlot is my other heart healthy indulgence and even the Cardiologist yesterday agreed with me on that, being sure to emphasize a glass a day! With that knowledge and my Favorite quote " If Hunger is not the question, Food is not the answer."

So that was yesterday and it is over and this morning I climbed out of bed and had my morning walk and marveled at how sweet success really is, and the knowledge that even if I have a health issue I am already way ahead of the " How do we fix this?" I knew my families heart history and when I finally decided to take care of me last December, and every step along the way it was with the intent to do what is best for me and my body, and only I can derail me , and I refuse to do that!

Good News, Bad News

08/10/2010 3:27:21 PM

I will not ask what you want to hear first, you are at my mercy!

The Good News is I saw my Dr today about my chest discomfort I had on Saturday and he noticed my weight loss right away! He said I look great and wanted to know how much I had lost (even though he had the answer in his hands on my chart). We talked about my walking and diet and he raves about Weight Watchers, I knew this though as he has recommended it to me before. I felt like a hundred bucks, until he said we need to do an EKG and your blood pressure is high again. I had brought it down with diet and exercise.

EKG Normal and blood pressure high, and he feels that with my family history of heart disease, I should see a cardiologist, this week, and lo and behold he meant today!

I saw the Cardiologist and he recommended a stress test, next Wed and that my symptoms are concerning despite the Normal EKG, and my strong family history if heart disease warrants more testing. Grrrrrr,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so next week...stress test. My dad died at 42 from a heart attack, he had quite a few before the fatal one, I was nine. A lot of years have passed and years and years of research, so I would
be remiss to not heed the advice of the Dr and just have the test.

So be it. I am going to focus on the feeling I got when my Dr commended me on my weight loss, and push forward with that. It is funny how someone noticing and praising my efforts can rejuvenate my own enthusiasm. I am going to spend some time going through recipes and find some new meals to work into my program, if I have to go a little easier on the exercise for the week, I still can find other ways to keep breathing life into my plan :)

30 Day Contract

08/09/2010 3:12:56 PM Had a busy, stressful weekend and a little scary too...

My sister has sold her house of 20 something years, downsizing and she needed to get rid of a lot of " Stuff", so we had a Yard Sale...... and she unlike me is not a people person and to take it even further she has issues with people touching her stuff, sounds like fun huh?
Lucky for her, I love people and really enjoy the whole yard sale scene. I am a big yard saler ( that is clearly not a word) shall I say I shop many yard sales. So her job was to set it up and walk away and my job was to be warm and welcoming and sell, sell , sell.

Sounds like a busy weekend, but than the fun began. Friday night I had an overwhelming feeling of extreme fatigue that just crashed in around me, and I could barely stay away until 8 PM. I at first attributed it to stress, as I am in the middle of the longest break up of my life, and I had just broke the news that I wanted a 30 day contract of No contact between us for 30 days. I need that to just stay away and get on with my life. I am easily talked into trying to make what is obviously broken, work. To make a long story short. It is way past time to walk away.
So I go to bed and wake up at 5 am with a start and chest pain. I am due at my sisters 20 minutes away at 6 am, and I am sure this is stress, but 5:30 still there. Not crushing, but certainly there. I live alone, so I am thinking " Do I call someone?" or do I just drive to my sisters, holding cell phone near to call for help, at whatever point I think I should. Yes that is what I did and I got there and by 6:30 what was a pain, now was a slight ache, that subsided as the day went on.

Yardsale huge success...over $1200.00 yardsale!! She was happy and I was happy to have helped. Had supper with her, not the best food choices, but within my points, heavy sodium though and than again on Sunday and this morning I am up 4 pounds! That is all sodium I do not doubt it for a minute. I weigh in on Thursday and I am sure it will be gone. Sundays food was my own poor choices, comfort food for my heart ache that is the result of my 30 day contract to break away from the ex boyfriend. Cheese, nothing says comfort to me like cheese. Nothing has sodium like cheese!

I need to get through the next 30 days with out using food as a crutch, I can do this, I know I can, and I will and as I write this I am waiting for the Dr' office to call back and make an appointment and make sure that the whole chest discomfort is stress and nothing more as I started this weight journey for my health, I come from a strong history of heart disease and I am going to make sure that I am doing the best for my heart and fight the heart disease history with healthy weight and exercise.

The Glory of a Walking Buddy

08/06/2010 4:34:48 PM

I am lucky to have a walking buddy and I know it.
This was my second morning in a row that I wanted to opt out of my morning walk, 7 am to be exact. Thankfully when I feel this way , she takes the lead and pushes me to go, likewise many mornings it is me that has to take the lead.

It is a great way to start the day and we see familiar faces all along the walk, and even have friendly banter with a few. Two older gentlemen will tap their watch when they see we are later that the 7 Oclock start time and ask which one of us decided to " Sleep In"

We have been having an oppressive heat wave and even in the morning hours it feels like we are walking in a sauna, but I know when the cold weather hits that will be my reason for not wanting to go as well, she does not let me get away with the excuses!

My Addictions!

08/05/2010 6:46:37 PM I have a few addictions some good and of course some bad, and today while driving back from picking up my coffee for the week, I thought" How nice would it be to make exercise an addiction." I wished I knew how to do that.

I have a Keurig coffee maker, and I am " In Love" with it, not a day goes by when I am not grateful for it. I stock up on all my favorite coffees, I never let the supply run out, and that is what I am talking about. I would love to feel that way about the gym. I want to feel like I can not get through the day without making time for it.

My Merlot,. is another example, I love it, I know how to pick a good bottle, I keep a few on hand, I know what my favorite restaurants carry for brands... it again is a priority. I do not have a favorite walk, I have many walking places, not one favorite.

My Gardening is my last example for me, I look forward to Gardening every Spring, the catalogs arrive in the mail for Spring plantings and I circle things " I NEED" I map out new Garden plots. Even in the blistering Sun, with high humidity, I will go out and weed, water, and tend to them. However, I will postpone a walk in that same heat quicker than you can say Boo! Walk outside in the Winter? " Are you Kidding?" but I have been known to plant Tulip and daffodil bulbs in the fall, when the weather is cold and the ground is damp!

There absolutely must be away to take this addictive personality of mine and apply it to exercise, there must, I know it, and maybe that is what my goal for the next few months should be, find an exercise that I find addictive. I know that walking is not it, however walking has fit the bill as late and I do not find it offensive, so I will continue and try to search for the exercise that I can not live without....updates to follow!

18 point Lunch, Thinking I was eating well.

08/04/2010 10:07:00 AM

Yesterday while out shopping I became ravenously hungry, I was out shopping for smaller clothes and feeling pretty good. I only bought what I was shopping for, yet tried on all kinds of clothes and it was clear that Since Dec 26th I had indeed lost two blouse sizes, as well as dropped to sizes in my pants!! Admittedly this is a slow journey for me and the lessons I am learning I hope are the difference between me putting this weight back on as I have done previously.

So here I am feeling pumped yet, so VERY hungry and I am at the mall, footsteps away from the " Food Court" Love that name.
I talk myself down from the thoughts of pretzels, maybe pizza...chinese yum! Nope not me I am headed home, and as I drive I "meal plan" I have a rotisserie chicken in the fridge, salsa, low fat cheese and sour cream and Whole Wheat Fat free tortillas. I can have a chicken quesidilla!! Yum, get home, make it, grill it with Pam and eat lunch. I than sit at my computer and track my meal. I decided that it must be like 8 points. I than think " Hey I should really find out how many points the Tortilla is....can not be much, being whole wheat and fat free and all.... I had two..... put in the calories in the calculator, the fat and the fiber. " Holy Carp!!!!!!" 8 points a piece,,,,can't be!!! put the numbers in again, this time I put on my magnifying glasses for forty something eyes. Oh yes it is true. At 1:00 in the afternoon I had eaten all my points for the day!! Talk about indigestion!!

I did make smarter choices, I could say that, and it still was better than if I had any of the items that were dancing in my head from the "Food Court" .

Here is the thing, I am going to buy a scale and I am going to calculate food before I eat it, nine months of doing this and I am sure this is not the first time this has happened, just the first time I really SEE it.

I made it through the night and only had a bag of 1 point popcorn to balance out the numbers, but today I am weighing, measuring, and calculating.

Categories: Food, General, My weight loss

Less junk in the trunk, creating and unmentionable problem, but here I go mentioning it!

08/03/2010 7:32:06 PM
So I have an issue, I have lost weight in the derriere and, I do not want to buy clothes, I have been closet shopping instead, however my underwear keeps rolling down and yesterday lo and behold I saw them below my shorts!! I was at a store and I could tell with each step I took, they too were taking steps of their own, I barely made it to the privacy of my car.

Today I caved in and went and bought underwears( that is what my 2 year old granddaughter calls them ) , two sizes smaller, threw away all the old ones. I went for pretty and bought 7 pair!! I guessed on the size and guess what? They too are rolling down... I think it is where I lost the weight..... these are better, but still! I think my walking is targeting an area that I might need to keep. What to do??!!!

Do they make suspenders for underwears???

Woke up thinking about Drew Carey

08/02/2010 6:49:08 AM This morning I woke up thinking about Drew Carey and not the way I wake up thinking about say George Clooney, like dreaming of a faraway island with no one but George and I.... I digress, sorry.

So yesterday I read an article that Drew Carey has lost 80 pounds since January and that he has done it by no carbs and gym everyday. A few things struck me, one they left out the part that he is a guy and that speeds up the weight loss as well. In the article he answered the question about how that is one of his characteristics is being a heavy fun loving guy, and how would that change. I am thinking the interviewer must have been thin as what a question!? Drew answered he was tired of how he felt and physically and that he was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabtes and now that was gone and he is not an any medications. He also said once he started losing the weight it was easy to continue to eat well and exercise as he felt better and the lost sizes motivated him. I really was impressed with his honesty and he looks good, still not George but he looks good!

The other thing I was again thinking about is the " No Carbs" I almost always get pulled in and read about no carb diets as I know that a lot of people drop weight quickly by following those types of diets, but I just can not do any better than cutting my carb intake. I am thankful that I have Weight Watchers and I can lose and eat everything I want and just with moderation, but there is a little voice in my head that will doubt myself at times and think I should be going No Carbs. I guess when I think that I need to remind myself that Drew and others like him are at the place I am headed, weight loss goal, but I am headed there eating the way I like to eat and hopefully that will keep me there, as I am sure that "NO CARBS" for the rtest of my life is unsustainable.

Back to George,,,,,,,

Food Hangover, bad eating day, and that was yesterday, this is today....

Friday, July 30, 2010

Argh... that is how I feel this morning.

Too many points, too much food and wine and my stomach is telling me it is not happy, and not subtly either. The good news is I came home after eating two meals out with no warning and tracked every bite and I am on day 4 of my week and -1.5 points and I work out everyday, so theoretically I will be ok on the scale and still can lose so long as I stay on track the rest of the week.

How great is that!! I do not have to say, " I quit" or " I am just going to eat whatever I want the rest of the week, because I blew this week." or my favorite old line " What's the use, I just give up." This is very liberating for me, it shows me that I truly get it now, it is not about perfection, it is about consistency and not giving up and accepting that some days are going to get away from us and that is ok!!

So this is how it happened. A friend called and needed to get out, she cares for her mom whom has Alzheimer's disease, we went to lunch , she wanted to split and appetizer, of potato skin flat bread and than have side salad. By the end of lunch I had one point left for the day and it was 1:00!!
The rest of the day was shuffling around with errands, babysitting for my sisters cherubs, and then I was asked again to meet friend for a drink..yikes, had not eaten since 1 and it was 8 and I was starving and let me tell you, one glass of wine was the beginning of the end for me, I had two and when ordering the second one I heard this voice inside me say " Cheeseburger medium rare with Fries please,,,," Just like that, it happened and I ate it all, it is my favorite meal at this pub and my guard was down.

Today as I rethink about it I know I had better choices, I still could have eaten and had the wine and not killed my points for the week, but this was clearly emotional eating combined with the hunger. I was feeling sad for my friend and even though I was providing her comfort in listening I wanted to do more. So I helped her feel better by listening, and for the 20 minutes my meal lasted I thought I was helping me feel better. Lesson learned. Now if only my stomach would settle down, it appears it is used to the whole grains and lean proteins and fruits and veggies and would prefer I leave the cheeseburger and fries alone!!!!

Every month 15.95 for the gym membership since March- yesterday 3rd time there ...Yikes

I have tried "Googling " the word for a gym phobic, I come up with " Gym Phobic" I like words I would have thought it we a better word that that!

When I joined it was with the intent that I would go, I have had a membership before and I really enjoyed it, I than like now had to get over the fear. I fear many things about it, of course the obvious is the equipment and how to not be a Jillian from the Biggest Loser contestant who falls off the equipment. I pretty much am assured that I will not do that.
The fear that others will think, " Wow, she really needs to be here." or " How long before she quits." Now I know that most are just busy working out and could care less about me, but that voice in my head can be pretty loud.

Just the fear of failure is enough when push comes to shove, and I know that I am my own worst enemy on that, even in the face of my success, I am walking every morning at 7 for 3 miles. I am losing weight and thinking about the why's of my weight and how to permanently change the reasons why I eat.

Yesterday I pushed beyond the fear and lo and behold I had a great work out on the treadmill, 45 minutes and I am feeling it today, albiet I am still waiting for my morning walking partner to pick me up, as I adding to not replacing my morning walk.

What I liked was, I worked out, I felt comfortable and since the last time I was there they added a steam shower...oh my... I love those, I mean not today when the humidity is 90 percent matching the temperature, but this fall when the cool air comes in and this winter..Sounds like I am going to stick this out! It is usually that first step that is the hardest and when facing fear of anything, that is what I must remind myself.

Mac and Cheese pleez... Baked

Love macaroni and cheese and my favorite is the one my mom used to make, she got it off the back of Muelllers Macaroni box years ago. I know the recipe by heart and make it for all occasions. Friends moving, make a pan, new Neighbors, Death in a family, make a pan. It is the cure all or at the very least the comfort that comes in a pan.

So, I have been avoiding it, I once put it in the recipe builder,,,,OMG 11 points for a cup, "Who eats just a cup!!?? So there is why I avoid it.

Well the other day while I was skimming through some old Weight Watchers Magazines, in Sept 09 I found a recipe for Mac' n' Cheese. It looked yummy, it included a can of diced tomatoes, it is different enough that I thought I will try it.

I love kitchen gadgets, most cooks do, and I have a set of glass one cup serving bowls that go in the oven and have lids, so I thought I can make the recipe and in the 8 one cup serving casserole dishes it recommends. I have been doing awesome with my portion control so I was ready.

Well Success!! It was great and I had it for lunch today and for 5 points! Whole Wheat Pasta ,,,low fat cheddar, parm cheese too, and tomatoes , and I had one serving. That was two hours ago and the other 7 servings are in the refrigerator and are not in danger of being the product of a binge. I can do this!! I am amazed and happy with all the changes I am making, I am packing a few cups up and taking them to my mom's where she and Step Dad can have some for dinner and I will not worry that I am feeding them anything unheart healthy. Now that is comfort food!

The Traveling pants...shirts... and skorts...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I am from a family of fatties,,, true statement and three of sisters often exchange clothes.
Two years ago, I gave up the weight loss fight and I still remember the day I packed all my size 18's and 16's and 14's and 12's that I had in my closet and sent them in a Green Garbage bag to my sisters. The two of them were very happy as I admit I like clothes and had a lot! I on the other hand still remember how defeated I felt, and how it just seemed like I was doomed to be the biggest fatty in the family :(
I owned it, and than spent the next year and a half not looking at me, I could pass a mirror and not see me, I was and still am, pretty darn good at avoiding a camera. I thought I was happy, I ate and drank whatever I wanted. I told myself that finally I had accepted me.
Than the real fun began, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and I had chronic wheezing and Heartburn after every meal. That alone should have snapped my fat a** into reality and get me to see that to be happy I needed to be healthy, maybe not a size 8 but certainly able to climb a flight of stairs at age 45 without wondering if I was having a heart attack, however I am a tough cookie and those blinders were on. I am also a vain girl and a cruel comment from a brother in law, who really spoke before he thought, was my moment! Dec 26th Size 22 pants and 2x blouses I started Weight Watchers. 3 Months later no Wheezing and I am slowly gaining my health back. I walk and am adding more exercise in this week, and I feel Great!! Sleep apnea gone, today 33 pounds gone!
A few months ago one of my sisters gave me back a bag of clothes and lo and behold I recognized half them as my previous clothes, unfortunate they still did not fit, but this week all the 18's fit!!
She like me decided she had enough of the health issues and vanity issues associated
with our collective extra weight. She is doing awesome and so am I!!
Slow but sure, I will work my way back into my old clothes and slow but sure I will regain all my health and when I have, back to the garbage bags my clothes will go and the only big A** thing left will be, THE BIG A** Shopping trip I am rewarding myself with . I'm just saying.