I am Here!

On March 27th, here is an excerpt of my post
"The next time I blog about a loss it will be the announcement
that I have hit 195 and then 190 and 185 and so on.....it is my way of
weaning myself off the posting about the weekly weight loss or not. I
want to just mark increments. My reasoning is I see that this is going
to get harder and harder as I approach my goal weight and I really want
to mark my success's at the gym, or at the dinner table as they are the
success's that will keep my weight off and I will not always be
rewarded with a loss, and I am 60 pounds away from not needing to lose
weight, so I want the focus for me to be on my behavior successes!
Next Stop 195!!"
Well today I am here and I could not be happier! It is no mistake that I keep reminding myself that the actual numbers of pounds I lose is not the journey, it is the lessons I am learning and the changes in my beliefs about food and exercise, because without those lessons, I know the weight will come back, I have learned that through experience.
This week has been busy with work and I have struggled by not planning and that has left me grabbing meals on the fly and ordering off a menu more often than I would have liked too. That being said I see some great changes on how I order. I have restaurant rules! For example. If I eat bread it is instead of my favorite baked potato and once piece with olive oil, not butter. The baked potato is with 1 tblsp sour cream and just sour cream no butter and NEVER loaded! Tblsp of sour cream 1 point so I have the full flavored no fat free or low fat.. Wine? yes, I tall glass of water before I ask for a second glass and never three glasses. Dessert, ???!! Yup. sometimes for dinner. Here is what my favorite server has been chuckling over at my favorite restaurant. I love cake, always have always will, and last Tiramasu is my favorite and when DBF and I went out last week I really wanted it, so he ordered his Dinner and I ordered mine, yup Tiramasu for Dinner! I would not do it every night but I will do it and be 100% satisfied. Same Server who thinks it is funny...tells me " You look amazing! Keep up the good work!"
A little about my exercise this week, it too has been off, yet I know am working the most physically active job I have ever had and on an 8 hour shift I never sit and can be found carrying 25-40 bags of mulch and stuff to cars, bending, lifting and walking walking, and the pedometer indicates 8000, steps a shift, I take 2 hours of AP's a day for that and than added in a few workouts at the gym. I am finding a balance and as the weeks go by I may have to tweak things here and there but overall, it is Working!!
Next Stop.. 190!!

65 Pounds!!

I can hardly contain myself this morning, I just received another 5 pounds star! I have 13 now for a total of 65 pounds lost! I decided a few weeks ago that I am only going to post the loss's in five pound increments and I am so happy to post this one! I am less than half way to goal now and I can see the goal post!
I weigh 196 and I feel like I am safely under 200, that even with a monthly fluctuation I am should not have to see 200 again! Watching the sodium will be key I know.
Any newcomers out there reading this, I want you to know, this can be done, it takes time and effort and the desire, but it does not take pain or suffering, or deprivation! This week, I had a decadent cupcake, a glass or two of Merlot, and my dark chocolate with almonds, I also had a lot of fruit, vegetables, and lean proteins. I earned 49 Ap's and drank 8-10 glasses of water a day, do I sound deprived?
I get to buy myself a non food reward, this weekend......What is not to love about that?!!!
My oldest daughter has suggested that we train together for a 5k run as she is looking to get in shape and I am thinking it will be a great addition to my exercise schedule and help tackle the next 55 pounds, so maybe my gift will be a nice running outfit!
To all my supporters here on my blog, and in my offline life, Thank you!! when I have days when the weight loss has seemed insurmountable it has been you that rallied me, and I am grateful beyond words!!
Woo Hoo!!! " Did I say I lost 65 pounds!!" Yup I did. Next Stop 195

I drive a small car

I drive a small car, and today while driving the gas light came on, I was on empty. I immediately headed for the gas station where I frequent, they always have gas at the lowest price. I filled the tank and for the first time of the lifetime of this car ( 10 years) it cost me $50.00!! I am shocked, angry and frightened. Finances are tight, they have been for awhile and they are about to get tighter and I am finding that I can not afford simple luxuries like, I used too.
I could do nothing, live with the fear and anger and do nothing, I have done that in plenty of other situations, or I could draw a line in the sand and that line is, One tank a week for me.
I am halfway through my weight loss journey and tomorrow when I weigh in I think I will have hit 65 pounds lost, leaving me 55 to go and I am in great health, so guess what? " These feet were made for walking!" and walk I will!! To the grocery store, with my re-usable bags, the post office, and when possible, to work! Walk to visit friends and walk granddaughter to the cupcake store. Sixty Six pounds ago, I would not even consider giving up driving for walking, today it is a simple happy solution!!

This was Supper :)

I babysat My granddaughter last night and after I picked her up she sweetly asked if we could go to the " Cupcake Store". We have a bakery in town that the owner ( baker) has a date on the show "Cupcake Wars" and I think she could win!
I am not good at turning down a sweetly polite request from that little girl so off we went. She picked out a pink frosted chocolate cupcake for her, one for her Papa and I ordered myself a Chocolate one that was named Almond Joy and it tasted much like the candy bar it was named for.
I had points left, for the day about 10 and I really was not hungry, even for supper so I decided this would be my supper. A Cupcake for 8 points and skim milk for 2!
It worked, and I was full, and I was satisfied with one, and I not for a second felt like I was cheating, I was eating what I wanted and when I wanted it. I finished my day with 29 points and no Weekly's used!
One of the greatest gifts I get from this program is the freedom to eat what I want and when I want and how I want, so long as I count the points and stay within the ranges it will work!
Sometimes we get so caught up in the day in and day out of the program we forget how much nicer it is than say some of my past diets, The Carnivore Diet, aka Atkins, South Beach, Cabbage Soup, once I was on an hard boiled egg diet....
Cupcake and milk for supper...now I may not recommend a week of it, but last night it was exactly what I wanted, and to my daughter if your reading, no worries I made Evie eat supper before she had her cupcake ;)

Living in The Shadow of 200 Pounds

I tried to explain to DBF last night my real desire to be at 195 and to no avail, he just can not understand my fixation with the numbers. I get that, I understand why he can not, he has never had a weight problem or felt the defeat or success of conquering it. Add to that he does not live in my head.
He reminded me that I look great and that I am receiving compliments right and left and I am, and trust me that feels wonderful, but being under 200 pounds for the first time in over 8 years is amazing to me and feels real. It feels like I am really on the underside of the weight loss part of the journey, that Onderland was the benchmark for me, all the time knowing if I could get there, I could do anything!
Here is the thing though, I struggle every day with the scale, those who have been reading my blog for awhile know I named my Scale, Roland , and he is my Toxic Friend. Some days I love him, and most days, not so much! He is in my life and than out, I step on him every morning until I see the damage he does to my psyche and lo and behold I lock him in the closet until my one day a week when I step back on. I soften though, feel bad, assume he fears the dark and let him out of the closet and the whole cycle begins again.
I am in Onderland, with a three pound cushion, wanting 5, wanting to weigh 195 because when I have a monthly fluctuation, of 4 pounds ( very true) I want to still be in Onderland, I want to NEVER see 200 pounds on Roland's face again! He taunts me with it, I swear I hear him giggle!
Why is this my post today? Well because I had soup last night for dinner, and a caesar salad, Can you hear the bells? it sounds like I am in a Casino...bing bing bing bing ,,,,,and Roland giggles and the sodium has brought the number to 200 pounds!! You are the lucky winner!!!
When I am in living in the Shadow of 200 pounds, I am just a day away from feeling the pull back, and a day away from seeing the light,,,,, That is why I want the Shadow of 195.
I guess I can see why DBF does not get it.... and Yup you guessed it....Roland is back in the closet! I know real success will be when I finally Divorce Roland, and on a brighter note I have been looking for a good divore Lawyer...... no need for an Intervention yet....

Food Revolution

My mother has passed along an interesting quasi morbid habit that I do not see myself losing anytime soon. She is Eighty and every day with her coffee she reads the paper and the first page she turns to is the Obituary page. She was a chain smoker for years and she gave it up when she had a carotid artery 95% blocked that she had surgery for, even after giving up smoking, 5 years later she had a surgery to unblock the other that too was 95% blocked. She knows the damage she did with all that smoking. She will say to me while reading the obits, " I want to see who stopped smoking today." Yes I agree, very dark humor, but that is my mom. I could write this whole post on her ways and the good and bad effect they have had on me, but it is not where I am going, today.
When I started this Weight loss journey my health was a crisis point, I was on a C-pap Machine, and had already had a heart cauterization at 42 to seek blockages as I was experiencing and continued for years to have chest discomfort. I am and probably always will be under the care of a Cardiologist as I have a heart history on my dads side and he died when I was nine. Fortunately for me, my heart is great and I have passed numerous tests to vouch for that. After losing my first 50 pounds my high blood pressure resolved itself and I was able to discontinue my medicines.
Today I am feeling the healthiest as I have felt in years and I am 47, shhhhh... I do not tell everyone that.
A good family friend who is late 50's is in the hospital, the ICU, breathing difficulties, he has heart issues and Diabetes and a myriad of other troubles that honestly can be traced back to his weight. He like myself has struggled with obesity for years and rather than he winning right now, the obesity is. He is loved by many, his Facebook page is loaded with well wishes, I have never heard a person say a cross word about this gentleman and it is heart breaking that a food addiction may take his life.
Getting back to my mom's habit that she passed along, I read the obituary's every day now, and when I see people in my age group or just a bit older die, I ask myself from what? of course there is the inevitable car accidents and other tragic unpredictable in life, but what about the preventable? I read the obits and think, " I wish when it was a disease that is caused by obesity that we would call it that. " So and So, succumbed to Obesity. What I am looking for is an Eyeopener for America to get through their heads that Obesity is killing us and at rapid speed. I want everyone to feel better and see that once you take on your weight and succeed at losing it, you feel better and you have the motivation to keep losing, and your life seems more precious, and you want to pass that on. I want to pass that on~
Jamie Oliver a British Chef has a show on ABC on Tuesdays at 8 called Food Revolution and he is my hero these days, he really is trying in a public way to change the way America eats and I hope he can drive home the message, he bravely tackles it in our schools! How I wished that happened sooner I wish him success.
For today I wish my family friend success, I wish him a recovery and the subsequent strength to take the weight off, you are too loved to leave us, and obesity does not have to be fatal

For The Love of Fruit 4/15

Today has been nonstop busy and that is not what I had planned. I needed a day of rest as I am body sore and mind tired.
One thing led to another and the bottom line I am really just now sitting and relaxing and in my opinion a hour away from sleeping. I work tomorrow so I need an early to bed to let my body rest.
I have eaten well all day and shopped for the week, and planned some great meals that will work with my desire to keep that scale moving downward. While finishing the last bout of shopping, extreme hunger crept in, something that is becoming a ritual on the heels of my working outside doing strenuous physical work and I am struggling to keep my points all inline.
Tonight while contemplating how to alleviate the hunger I once again remembered that fruit is free!! Pineapple, yum, apple, yum, banana, well ok... I can do this!
After a dish of fresh pineapple I am calling it a day!

Standing On Your feet all day is Weight Bearing! 4/14

I have been busy at work, the new job, and happy, happy, happy. After months looking for work, on the heels of working a job that I sat all day making phone calls and had an occasional walk to the fax machine, this is clearly different. I come home at the end of my day and I am exhausted, yet still have managed the gym three times this week, less than I wanted but more than I thought I could. It will all fall in place I have no doubt about that and The gym schedule will return to normal and I will start training to run a 5K.
I have no clue how to calculate my activity at work, but I do know it has changed and the scale is showing that as well. Per usual not as fast as I would like, but steady and that is good. My next mini goal is to reach 195 and I see it in sight, not too far in the future! Today is weigh in day and and I have lost and I had decided awhile back to just post my five pound increments of success, as I know that the part of the joureny I need to focus on is the consistency that will lend to keeping the weight off and the celebrating of the pounds loss can sometimes enable me to lose sight of the real success and that is maintaining and always thinking about eating and exercising for my health.
Last night when I came home, I was thinking about how many times I bent and lugged a 25 to 40 lb bag of soil to a customers car, or while building a butterfly garden for the owners, how long was I digging and planting, and than the fact that my feet are sore, confirmed what I know "Standing on your feet all day is Weight Bearing!"
So on a week that I saw the gym less, ate my weeklies and a majority of AP's but worked significantly more, I lost weight! Gotta love that, and I do.

Made it Through the Day without chips and dip ! 4/13

So yesterday was admittedly not the happiest, as my morning post had already alluded to a fight with DBF. the result of his Eye Roll.
We did eventually talk face to face, and it was a little humorous as I could tell he was REALLY focused on any unintentional eye movements ( took me quite literally ). We are better and I do believe he was genuinely sorry, he had a bad day and us arguing was just the final straw for him, but said he was unaware that he rolled his eyes.
I fought every urge all day to eat with abandon, Chips and Dip is what I wanted but did not have. Instead I did have WholeWheat Pasta with olive oil and grated cheese, very comforting, and poached eggs for breakfast another comfort food for me.
I worked out at the gym and washed my Kitchen and living room floor, a task that I like to do when I am feeling angry as I really SCRUB them.
I do have an Irish temper that I sometimes forget about and I too owed him an apology for handling myself poorly, the good news is we both feel better and lets just say we kissed and made up.
A lesson is always learned on this weight loss journey and yesterday's was I can get through all my moods without sabotaging my success. It is not always easy, but it is doable!
My comfort foods have changed, nothing like a bowl of buttered egg noodles with grated cheese to soothe my soul, that was the old choice, yesterday I had 1 cup whole wheat pasta and 1 tsp lite butter with olive oil and a measured amount of grated cheese and it worked!
Poached eggs is always what my mom would make when I sick or sad and the only difference yesterday was the Wheat toast, dry.
So no Chip and Dip, no gain and no remorse!! Woo Hoo! and "No More Eye Rolls!" says DBF

The Eye Roll

A perfectly good day went really south last night with a simple eye roll, from my DBF, simple eye roll, very south. South enough that he did not come home, and I was happy about that, I mean I know that one night a week he stays with his mother a few towns away to make sure she is ok and take care of anything she needs and he chose last night and and to be fair, he chose it after I suggested it rather firmly.
Upon waking this morning I feel really bad about my part and still angry about his eyeroll, angry enough to not call, and check in. There is something in my nature that really reacts poorly when someone is dismissive of something I have to say and even more so when it is done in public to gain a chuckle, or sympathy for their plight of having to deal with me.
I want to eat, and I am fighting that urge with my mantra, " There is nothing I can eat that will make this feel better." I know that eating will be a temporary feel good and only further frustrate me, so I will not do it, I will however walk, and go to the gym, and do both before initiating a conversation with the eyeroller! I am hoping I can work out my anger and hurt and replay the conversation in my head and see where I may have put him off, or what anger that I had not expressed before was building, as sometimes that is the case and it all comes out like big Wave crashing on the beach, the sand has splayed all over the place and a lot of time is needed to smooth out the ripples left in its wake. ( Sigh).
I will not eat , I will not take an already bad situation and make it worse,,,I will repeat this for as long as it takes.

I've Got This ( 4/10)

So I Weighed in today and after a four pounds gain last week, I am down 2! Last Weeks's post about Getting back to Basics was 100% on target. I needed to get back to what works, tracking, weighing measuring and exercise for just a few. I also just needed to cut myself some slack I had started my new job and my whole schedule was as-cue as I was now on my feet all day and working physically hard and still working out at the gym. My hunger level had gone through the roof and at times I caved but instead of eating filling foods like I did this week, I went with breads, and potatoes and for me, I need to go to protein and veggies.
I actually think I would have lost the whole 4 pounds plus some, but it is that week of the month that I gain. Next week I anticipate to feel even more at ease with the new job and how my lifestyle works with it.
Getting my water in is a little harder and this week-end I will look for a nice Stainless steel bottle to carry with me and fill with the Spring Water Cooler that houses the new Spring Water we sell at work.
Thanks for all the great suggestions that helped me to see I needed to give myself time to adjust to the change in my schedule, like I said I gain know..." I've Got This!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I am humming the tune to the song " The Most Wonderful time of the Year " as I type, knowing full well it is speaking of Christmas, but for me, it is now. I spent all day yesterday cleaning up my gardens and plotting a spot to add another, while scoping a neighbors neglected one that needs rehabilitation. My new Job at the Garden Center is just the thing to restore my confidence after reentering the work force since my lay off and subsequent unsuccessful attempt to reenter into the same field of inside sales. I find myself referring to the last 8 years of corporate world employment the soul sucking job I once had. I need to hold that thought as it really did do a number on my psyche it is not what I want for me anymore.
" What does all this have to do with my weight-loss journey, you might ask?" Well for me, the reason I had the courage to take this change in my career was I have gained such new found confidence since taking on the journey of losing my weight, I am physically stronger than I have been in years and I know I can tackle any problem if I can tackle my weight.
Everyday I wake up I lie in bed and think about what I can do today to keep the momentum of the journey on track. What one thing can I do or change today that will keep me in the right direction, how will I work in more activity and what can I cook that will be healthy and good, yet tasteful enough to not feel deprived. I also think about what I would like to add to my blog, what can I share that may help someone else, or emphasize to myself that I am on the right track, and today that is I have made it to my favorite time of the year and it is also the easiest time of the year for me to stay on track. I am far more active, and we are approaching the season of locally grown vegetables and fruits being plentiful.
Winter is hard for me, I fight seasonal depression and I hate the cold, so I am inclined to stay inside, this year I pushed through that, I went to the gym on a regular basis and it fought off a lot of that seasonal depression, Mother Nature provided a inordinate amount of snow and I had not the luxury of a plow or snow blower, so that too added to my activity and success.
My thoughts for today is if I can be successful through Winter, a time that normally can bring me to my knees, I can only imagine the success Spring Summer and Fall will bring!!
I will keep to my gym schedule 4-5 days for an hour at a time, and out comes the stroller on days I have my Granddaughter and the Couch to 5K schedule on days I do not, and the gardening, it is just extra! did I remember to say " The Most Wonderful time of the Year, is here for me? "

Here is a picture from one of my gardens last year :)

If the Towel Fits....

Last year at this time I was a newcomer to the gym, and I knew the best way to cajole myself to get there was by rewarding myself with a steam bath. My weight when I joined d the gym was about 235 down, 26 from my starting weight of 261. I knew that I had lost the first 25 pounds on my journey with minimal to no exercise but would have to step it up to get some more weight off.
The steam bath presented a pretty daunting challenge to me at 235 pounds and that was getting naked at the gym. For some that may be no problem, I am not that girl,even when I reach my goal weight of 140 pounds you will never see me standing by the lockers, taking of my bra and getting changed for the showers. Nope, not, Nada, no weigh in H E double hockey sticks... ok I am sure you get it!
In my own home, I can parade around and be comfy in front of DBF, but that took a weight loss of 50 ish pounds and still it is a work in progress.
So last year at this time I began the hunt for the perfect towel. You could have found me at Bed Bath and Beyond, trying on towels,fully clothed wrapping them around my chest, under my arms and checking to see the coverage. After many attempts I found the perfect towel and bought two. The towel shopping was the easiest part, as even today when I work out and than retreat to the locker room twice a week for my much deserved steam bath I than play the how to keep the curtain in the changing stall shut to undress and than dress, do they make the curtains 4 inches short on either side on purpose or is this a figment of my imaginations??!! Still not sure on that.
Despite the fear of being totally exposed at the gym for all other women to see, I do it and I so enjoy those steambaths. My two lavender towels for gym use only are officially going to experience a new phenomenon, they are joining the population of all the bathroom towels as I am pleased to announce that all towels offically cover the goods and that my friends is my Non Scale victory of the week!! With that declaration I am now officially Dub Sundays my weigh in day as Non Scale Victory day, the reason being is, my victories that keep me on this journey, are more about these wins, rather than the number on the scale and far more frequent I might add, and this journey is about my health and how I feel rather than if my body lost another pound, and Weigh ins are just one measure and they can be fickle but what I know for sure is that the non scale victories tell the story of the success in my head :)

You Look Great, Now Eat

I am hearing a lot lately how great I look, and that is a good thing, I have learned to say a gracious, " Thank you."
What comes next is the hard part and that is the food pushers. The people that I love and care about who suddenly are acutely aware of the fact that I am eating less and far more selectively. I call it choosing my points wisely. I think my mom is on the top of the food pusher list.
I check in on her just about daily and she being almost eighty has a sweet tooth that she tends to daily and can afford too, she needs the weight gain. She constantly wants me to indulge with her and will say, you can splurge once in awhile, or you look great just the way you are now, you do not need to lose anymore. She and the other food pushers, can come with a variety of different reasons why I should throw all caution to the wind and Eat with them!
As hard as it is to not eat with them, I am choosing not too, like I said I am choosing my points wisely and that type of eating is what helped bring the scale to 120 pounds over where I should be.
I have 60 more pounds to lose and I have been spending a lot of time, exercising and cooking healthy meals, learning what role sodium plays in my weight, and no where in this plan to lose 60 more pounds, is there room for mindless eating, or eating to please others.
I am looking for some helpful ways for me to keep the food pushers at bay, any ideas? any quote that works for you?
I am looking for something that "Says what I mean but does not say it meanly."
I saw that quote somewhere and I love it, I believe it is from a twelve step program but it is exactly what I need.

Here's To Arthur

I am still reeling from yesterdays stressful day, but here.
I have a lot on my plate this morning, waiting for a call from the hospital or my friend to see how the night went, she is back at the hospital after suffering a Heart Attack two weeks ago, and my awaiting a call from my mechanic on my car.
Last night I did watch the Biggest Loser, and it was a good distraction, this season unlike the last few seems to be a lot less game play and more love and concern for the fellow contestants and I like that. At the same time though there is always some game play and the biggest and unhealthiest contestant Arthur started it a few weeks ago and unfortunately last night he was voted off and that same instinct to game play, was in my opinion what sent him home last night.
The game play aside, it was sad to see him go and sadder to see the emotion from Jillian and Bob and the contestants. At weigh in it was like, they all thought him going home was the end of his journey and I could see how they might think that as he was the Biggest and unhealthiest contestant ever and he got that way at home, what they did not realize was in the weeks that Arthur was there " He Got it" and it was never more evident than in the last 5 minutes of the show they showed him now and he looks great and is using every tool given to him on the Ranch.
Two thoughts on Jillains crying and really being broken up about Arthur going home, first one is she really has a big heart and a soft spot for the suffering of people with such weight issues, and despite her hard demeanor at times, lies this marshmallow that just wants to save the world, and it is refreshing, second thought, I know she is leaving to pursue a family, wondering if some pregnancy hormonal tears were flowing as well!
Bob, was struggling with Arthur leaving as well and all the contestants and it seemed like they, like myself and probably many of us thought, this was it, there is no way he can finish this at home, "Guess what?" he is doing it!! He had been given the right tools and he had/has the motivation and was apparently ready, and that is what we all need to succeed.
Arthur you are inspiring, as inspiring as my fellow online weight watchers. We too are ready and have been given the tools and have the motivation. We also have Bobs and Jillians amongst us with big overflowing hearts that want to share our wisdom along the way to help each other and push each other to success and to be the healthiest and best we can be! In many ways we are all on that Biggest Loser Ranch, minus the gameplay ( Thank Goodness)!
Thanks for being my Bob and Jillian! Hope I can be yours!

Walking the Walk

This post tonight is raw, as I am raw emotion.
The day started with dropping my car of to the garage, a very scary venture as some of you may remember I am still unemployed, I begin my new found job in mid March, a job that is significantly less money but significantly more pleasure and what is available. My well intentioned older brother picked me up from the garage and gave me a lecture about how I may need to move from the place I love so much, to cut back on my finances as I heat with oil and it has almost buried me this winter. I have beautiful gardens here that I put in and I love this home. I reminded myself that his suggestions were just that and I am in charge of me.
Fast forward and the garage has called back and I am looking at least $800.00 worth of work and it is rising and the car will be there until at least tomorrow afternoon. Chinese food and the french fries I gave up for a New Year's resolution sure sound good right now.
Luckily I have no car, as I may be tempted, but than the no car keeps me from the gym, and I could use a long workout,
All these feelings happened and I decided to take a long hot bath, with the new Bath Bombs I got in celebration of my 60 pounds of weight lost and the bath helped a lot, until my phone rang and hour ago.
My best friend who suffered a heart attack two weeks ago, called to ask me to bring her to the hospital as her blood pressure was high, and she felt tightness and I have no car. I gave her the advice that she needed to take and that is call 911, and she did and I sit here right now, I was updated by her daughter, she is in the ER and they are running tests and they have already contacted her cardiologist, she will keep me updated. Again I want to eat, and I keep telling myself what I truly have learned and fully believe " Nothing I eat can make this feel better."
I have eaten all my points for the day and as tempted as I am in to feed my emotions I will not, and I will instead, think positive thoughts for my friend, read blogs, my past posts, your posts, anything to cement the new behaviors and remind myself that I started this joureny for my health, to fend off the very same heart issues that are scaring me for my best friend, and just be raw with emotion.
One thing I know for sure, the bills may pile up, I will pay them, the car is just a car, unemployed is unfortunate but it did and does not define me, and at the end of the day it is about you, your family and friends." I'm just sayin."

Cheat Day has left the building....

Went out to dinner with the DBF last night and used 20 of my Weeklies. I would like to lay all the blame at his feet but really, I will own it as I need at some time to really discuss with him the changes I want to make in our choices of restaurants but also realize there are times he just wants junk, beer, sports and me, not necessarily in that order. Last night was one of those times.
We went to a pub and yes they had salads, but they looked as nutritionally sound as the appetizer plates we went with, Mozzarella sticks, potato skins, chicken quesidilla and chicken fingers, added to chicken sliders, and a beer or two to cheer on the team with.
Here is the thing with sports though, if it is not Baseball, preferably The Red Sox, or the Super Bowl, preferably with the Patriots, you have lost me into my own thoughts, with a cute smile and nod in his direction when he seems particularly happy with the game, whatever it may be.
Last night on the heels of hitting 60 pounds gone, and now looking in the window at Onderland, I was thinking about past weight loss's, reaching the goal ( have done that twice) and the subsequent gain back of all and a little more for good measure.
One thing I always did on those other attempts is something I refuse to do now. I had what I called a "Cheat Day" my cheat day typically fell on the day I weighed in, and if that was in the morning I would eat whatever I wanted all day long and into the night until the following day. In the interest of full disclosure, I picked my weight watchers meetings in the morning with this in mind. My food intake would be off the charts, sleeves of cookies, bags of chips, the unit of measure was never 2 or 3 of this, it was usually the form the product was bought in, and of course the Drive thru anything. When I reached my Weight loss goal and I can honestly say I hardly ever stayed at goal and never made Lifetime, the cheat days would start to string together...... and that would be the end of that.
Last night, had it fallen in my past weight loss attempts would have been a perfect night for Cheat Day... but here is the thing, this journey is the rest of my life, and there is no room for Cheat Day in the rest of my life. I can eat whatever I want, but I must count it, own it, acknowledge it, and enjoy it! Enjoy it?
" Enjoy It" is essential I added it in, as I can tell you when I eat just to eat, I hardly remember how much I ate and if I even liked it... that is my emotional eating and mindless eating all wrapped up together. Keeping that in mind while eating last night, I really did not indulge that much, as I do not enjoy the sliders, or the chicken fingers so I skipped them. The cheese sticks,yup, enjoyed them, the skins and the quesidilla, yup...the beer pretty much, but not a lot as was pretty full, another thing that keeps the out of control eating to a minimum. Eating when I am full, not enjoyable.
When we were winding down, DBF said, " Aren't you going to eat anymore?" and " You did not finish your beer; is it ok? " and the answer was " I ate what I wanted and I am full, and the beer is great, but filling, and like I said I am full."
I am not always completely familiar with these new behaviors but I sure do like where they are bringing me! So this week we shall have the talk about what restaurants really do not work for me, and I will start it like this, " You know how you keep telling me how good I look, and how proud you are with me, well here is what I need to do for me, and for us......

What a Feeling!! 60 Pounds Gone, and a gym rat?

Two things, I reached my mini goal of 50 Ap's this week, 50 yes 50, I amazed myself and now I know it can be done, I will try again this week and the next and the next, you get it I am sure! Now, drum-roll please.......I hit 60 pounds lost! I am so very happy and excited, this week I lost three pounds, and I think it is no coincidence that it is on the same week I earned 50 Ap's. It reminds me if I want different results than I need to do things differently. I hardly think my activity was lacking but I did ask a few fellow Weight Watchers who were at goal or close what they did for activity, and it did make my routine look like it needed some tweaking, so I tweaked it! I added about 20 more Ap's a week than I was doing.
Another thing I have done that I think added to a great week of weight loss is I have taken a really good look at my sodium intake and reduced it and in two weeks I have lost 5 pounds, and that is no coincidence either.
Back to the Ap's and all this exercise, I feel good, really good. No seasonal depression symptoms this week, despite that fact that it is snowing again and the 3 inches predicted looks to be at 5 right now and still coming down. Feeling positive about the next 60 pounds, I am at my half way point and it took me a little over a year, different from the thoughts I had last year of hitting 100 pounds lost in a year,but I am more than ok with that . I dare say I am in danger of becoming a gym rat, I am hearing myself talk about two workouts in one day if that is what it takes, I have exercised twice this month with each of my daughters and have thought how nice it was and wished that we had done that earlier but am grateful we are now.
I am shy of saying " I love the gym" but I am getting there and I really am in heavy " Like : with it!
I am a believer in rewards for weight loss goals achieved and non food, of course. I have been thinking long and hard about what to do for 60 and I came up with it, being a very girly girl, soaking in the bathtub is my favorite relaxation technique and add any kind of bubble bath and let;s just say I am there! Years ago while visiting my daughter at College in Boston I found the best bath and soap store and they sold something called a " Bath Bomb" they had rows and rows of them and the smell of the bombs and soaps they created, came out the door. Walking buy just called me in.
That store called Lush has expanded and is in a lot of the malls now and I visited yesterday( as I admittedly peeked on the scale and knew I hit 60 Gone) I bought $60.00 worth of bath bombs for myself, a dollar given to the budget for them for every pound! Woo Hoo!! That is nine baths coming my way,,,,, nine opportunities to soak in a tub reminding myself that I did this and I can do the next 60 as well! Next up Onderland! Onderland is two pounds away and my mini goal for this week, is again 50Ap's, my reward for Onderland is swirling around my head..............

Last Chance Workout 2/26

Here I sit the day before my weigh in and the day before the end of my mini goal or reaching 50 Ap's for the week. I have 18 to go! 18!! ok, it can be done.
Yesterday I earned 12 but I had the help of Mother Nature she threw me some heavy wet snow that needed to be cleared from my driveway before I could even think about the gym. Today we have snow coming and it will be after my bedtime, and I am not THAT committed to get up in the wee hours and shovel what can be shoveled at a reasonable hour.
So hear is the plan, two trips to the gym, the first with my daughter this morning, my younger daughter who has decided to join the gym and I have a partner a couple times a week! Yay, more on that this week. This first work out will be on the treadmill, an hour walk that typically provides me with 8-9 APs.
Workout two will be by myself on the elliptical and hopefully for an hour which again is 8-9 points and that will bring my mini goal for the week to a close, and hopefully do what I call " Set the Precedent"
" Set the Precedent " for me is a game a play in my head at the gym, When I work out for an hour one day at a certain pace, or level, and succeed doing that three times in a row, than I accept no less, I can not just come in and say, " Oh I feel like doing less today" ( unless I am under the weather, not just tired but tired with physical reasons) I mentally commit myself to at the minimum maintain that new level and at the maximum add more! If I meet my mini goal this week, and if I do not, I will have the same mini goal for the next two weeks as what I am really looking for is the 50Ap's a week to be my Precedent for the rest of the journey and beyond , knowing that there is no beyond as this is what I want the rest of my life to look like, me taking better care of me, starting with my health!
Gotta Go, I hear Jillian in my head " Come on, Today is your Last Chance Workout!!!!

My Mini Goals Than and Now. 2/25

Early in the week I decide my mini goal for the week would be to earn 50Ap's. and to do that I NEED to earn 27 in the next two days. It feels like it should be less, as I am sore from the 23 I have already earned, but I will do it!
I like these mini goals and it took me a year into my weight loss journey to realize my mini goals should be something I have control over.
I wanted to revisit the mini goals I used to set ,as as much as I like to blog, I equally like reading blogs, and lately the ones that really jump out at me , and make me want to share some of my hard learned lessons, are about weight loss goals, IE: " My Goal is to lose 2 pounds this week."
Scale goals can make go crazy in 0 to 30 seconds! I have seen it happen with me too many times to count. Finally I have wrapped my head around the fact that I have little control over the scale on a weekly basis, I can however control the end result and the weight , reach my goal and maintain the weight loss, but I can not give it a date or a time schedule. I have been so tormented by this that I had actually named my inanimate object ( the scale ) to be able to conquer the hold it held and sometimes still holds over me, his name is Roland. My body and many of ours release the weight at its own schedule and I find this especially true for women, surprise, surprise. Now inches are different, if you are on program and eating well, exercising well and the scale is not budging, it can always be noticed in inches, or the way your clothes fit, and that is great!!
So after beating my head against the wall too many times I finally got through my head that a mini goal for me, has to be something I can control and reach, it may be a hard reach, ( 27 AP's in two days , as I lost two workouts somewhere along my week) but attainable) Sometimes my mini goals is that of what I choose to not eat too much off, Popcorn and Merlot comes to mind, not in that order though...
My mini goal this week was attainable when I set it, in my head it was with 5-6 workouts , but as the week progressed, a sister had a surgery and that day at the gym dissolved, and a granddaughter needed her " Mimi" and I came to the call, leaving me with two day deadline to get in the Ap's and reach my mini goal, stay tuned!!

Me ? Competitive?

Competitive- relating to or characterized by an urge to compete:
I look at that definition and I think, Nope not me. However, here is the thing, as I am going to the gym tonight at 4:30 it's a pretty busy time. usually I am leaving at this time, but today like Tuesday I am watching my grannddaughter until 4:30 I have my gym clothes on and will scoot right out the door.
Tuesday when I was there at this time, I found myself on the middle of three elliptical machine with someone on either side. One of the fellow ellipticalists....( work with me, not sure what to call them ) started at the very same time as I did and the other was working out when I got there. I immediately made a little gym pact with myself, I would not get of the elliptical before the fellow ellipticalists who started with me did, we could call him Mr Buff..... than the girl on my other side, who was there before I got there has her elevation up to 5, she was about my size, and so I thought, if she can, I can,,,,,by the way Mr Buff, lasted 60 minutes as did I.
It did not stop there, I watched another on the treadmill in front of me, using a medicine ball like you see them do on the Biggest Loser, while walking and I thought, I can do that... What is Happening Here?? I think what is happening is, I am finding my inner athlete the one that has been hiding out all these years, and I also think, I like her!!
So now when asked how to describe myself I guess I better add...Competitive,,,,but always in the nicest way!

I can see Onderland!!

I want to start by saying, I had my daughters when I was still young, married at 20 despite my family offering to throw the wedding of a princess if I waited, I jumped right in. By 21 I had my first daughter and 22 my second, by 29 I was a single mom. They are almost 26 and 25. It is amazing to me that I am 47. Where did the time go? AT 47 I am a grandmother.
When they were little and all my friends were still unmarried and at the time to me it looked like living a fun filled carefree lives, I would tell myself that I had my kids young, and was fulfilling the role of the responsible parent and when they were grown, my child rearing days would be all but over and it would be time for me to just play and be carefree. I am still laughing at that thought as once a parent you are always a parent and I would not have it any other way, but I was right about the fact that now my daughters are older and have moved out, I have much more free time to take care of me. Did I? nope not at first, I really just fumbled along, was lost a little, and still heavily involved with their day to day lives.
That changed, and I decided a year ago January that if I wanted to be the best person for myself and be around to enjoy my granddaughter I needed to take as good of care of myself as I did others, the result is as a family we are so active together.
Bringing us to today. After a year and a month, after spending the last decade in the 200's I can see Onderland! The view is wonderful, and I am not out of breath when I climb the hill to look down on it. Onderland is full of trails to be hiked, bicycle routes to ride, and countless people to meet and places to see. If I had to give it a color I would say it is the color of a field of wild flowers, and you can smell them, before you can clearly make out each of the petals. I can hardly wait to get there and really look at all it has to offer. To get there sooner I have upped my time at the gym, tweaked my cooking again, less oil, more measuring and weighing what I eat, I have my Merlot and Dark chocolate for my heart ( smiling) but not on the same day) and when I get discouraged I come here and visit my friends as well as reread where I started and the the end result is I can see Onderland!!

Great Start Feb 22

I am waiting for one of my oldest ( not by age but years we have known each other) and best friends, to arrive and we are headed out for lunch. We have plannns for alocal place and than it dawned on me that I really want a GREAT week and to really ppush myself to get to Onederland ASAP, so when she arrives I will suggest Subway. I love that I can stay right on track there and I feel like Bob or Jillian from the Biggest Loser but hey, they are right!
I went to the gym already and worked out on the elliptical for 60 minutes nonstop and accrued 7 APs! I feel good!!
Yesterday was my day to cook all day and that got thwarted and I instead spent the day with one of my daughters , so when I get home from lunch and and picking up my granddaughter for the night it will be a Sunday that is usually eight hours of cooking and prepping crammed into 4!! One thing I know for sure hough if I do not do the cooking and planning for the week, the week will fall apart. "If You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail." that rings so true with me.
Blogging later today will most likely not happen with all the cooking and prepping needing to happen.
Kellie a fellow blogger here had a great post today with questions of us and I liked that and had a few of my own I would love to hear some answers too, so here goes!

How many Ap's do you do I day and a week?

Most weeks do you eat all your extra pro points of the allotted 49?

Do you try to not eat any of your Ap's accrued ?

aha!!!

One of those aha moments happened tonight, I was out we ordered pizza, I ate my alloted two pieces and they tasted sooooo good. I wanted more. I bargained, it is Sunday, the beginning of my week I have 49 weeklies I can have more. I did not and here is why. Sunday night is usually pizza night for DBF and I , next Sunday is coming I will do this again and it will taste just as good. I can wait, I can enjoy the taste, piece number three will not change how the taste it will just make me feel uncomfortably full and guilty as I am not hungry anymore. That simple. When did this happen?
Lost three more pounds this week, and am 5 pounds away from Onderland. I can see it , and it feels great!

Now this is Gonna be Hard

I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, and my big gain a week or so back really made me think about the processed foods and salt in my diet. I emptied the salt shaker and started dialog with fellow weight watchers about salt. I started reading about it and really have been watching the intake.
Fast forward a week and my friend has a heart attack at age 52 and I am thinking, my cutting back may help me help her, keep fast forwarding and I find myself in a nutritionists office with my older sister whom is struggling with End Stage Liver Disease. She is on a transplant list and it is a waiting game, that has just been stepped up as her Gallbladder is acting up and must come out. For you and I that may be an easy surgery for her it is huge risk. We were in the nutritionist office as she has to limit her,,,guess? ?? Salt! Yes she knows/knew that but with the flaring of the Gallbladder she changed her diet to accommodate the pain and up went the numbers on the scale like a slot machine at a casino, Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing.... she had added a lot of broth and soups...Big NO NO.
The Nutritionist was a wealth of information and we left there armed with ideas and a plan and a tool I want to share with you guys. Calorie King is a site where you can pull up all the nutritional values on just about every food out there. Calories and what I was looking for sodium. It is an amazing tool and as I am learning today I consume a lot of sodium. I decided to log in about week of typical eating and than go from there and today as I finished my lunch here is where I am at!!
Lite soy milk with coffee 100 mg
2 Slices grain Bread 400 mg
Chicken Salad -lite 290 mg
That was my weird breakfast,,,,felt like a sandwich

Salad with Feta, croutons
and Italian dressing 740 mg

So here I sit at 1530 my recommended amount for the day, with supper still in front of me! I am up for the challenge if really getting my sodium intake under control as I really want to lead by example and help both my sister and my friend, so I think you may be hearing a lot about my trials with giving up the salt...".Just say not to salt.."
Think we could find a button for that!!!.

Bottle this

When Spring comes and the weather is warm, but not hot, The Sun is shining brightly, you can hear everything coming alive, animals, birds chirping happily, plants poking through the recently thawed ground, runners are out again, and Mom's with baby carriages, it evokes a feeling. I have said and heard a hundred times, " I wish we could bottle this, and save it for a rainy or cold day." Yesterday would have been the day I opened the bottle and let all the warm happy goodness out!
When I awoke this morning to my cat poking at my face, as she is convinced that the half filled bowl of food is one step closer to starvation and she needs a new scoop at 5:45 am to start her day, I laid in bed thinking of how far I have come. Yesterday's fatigue was gone, I am feeling like I have successfully jumped a hurdle in my lifelong battle with my weight and more specifically , my emotional eating.
Yesterday I was awash with emotions for good reason, the heart attack scare of my friend topped the list, but the list is riddled with triggers, a chronically ills sister who is having a very bad few weeks, elderly mom that I care for whom can run up and down, financial woes that come with unemployment, stress of the new job and career direction, worry of how to juggle all of this and continue to take care of me. These are just a few and we all have our own lists, but what has slowly happened for me and what I awoke feeling today was how I handle that emotional for lack of a better word " Garbage"
I will tell you how I used to handle it, and I will be brutally honest as I awoke thinking about this, and thinking not craving, which is part of my successful feeling today." 2 Big Macs , Large Fries, Super sized." $17.03 Worth of Chinese food off the lunch menu at my favorite chinese place, that is usually one luncheon plate with two appetizers and extra duck sauce, Large Sub with Fries, if morning , 2 Bacon egg and cheese biscuits and three hashbrowns, yes McDonalds was my friend. That is a sample, as their were nights that before I went to bed, I would have a sleeve of oreos and a cup or two of milk, a pint of Ben and Jerrys, the list goes on.
Somewhere along the journey that started last year, stringing one day and another and another together, this has changed, I no longer even know if McDonalds, super sizes. I cringe when I think of the calorie count and now I wonder about the sodium count, but what I do not wonder about is what changed.
I changed, it can be done and it can continue and yesterday was my affirmation of that, I realize that I get it, and when I do crave those foods and sometimes I do, Chips and Dip was calling me yesterday, I could almost taste it that is how vivid that craving was, but what I realized was that craving was also an indication to me that I needed to listen to what I needed, I was craving something and what it was, was rest, take care of me time, as someone said in a comment on my blog, rejuvenate. Instead of eating and I took time for me, did what I do to make me feel better, and when all of that still left me feeling better but not good, I rested, shut off all the electronic devices that would distract me from taking care of me and rested.
While lying there thinking about what I used to do, and my eating I also thought about what I wanted from today, a good workout at the gym, fresh pineapple, read blogs for inspiration as they always inspire me.
" I wished I could bottle this" if I could I would pass it out to everyone and save some for myself for when the feeling hits again as I am sure it will but for today I am just going to feel the warmth of it and soldier on.

Turned the heat up to 70!

I am tired and cold, emotionally exhausted from yesterdays news about my friend's heart attack, babysat my granddaughter all day today and took care of some medical issues of my moms. I feel like I have an emotional hangover. Tonight I need to take care of me.
I took a trip to my favorite place to visit when I feel this way, and that is the local animal shelter. I have two cats here at home, both adopted from that shelter and they give me a lot of comfort, companionship and love and in return they live a good life!
This particular shelter has two rooms where cats who get along can roam free and than of course rows of cats in cages all with their ages and stories. I immediately saw a chair in one of the rooms where the cats roam free and found a friend, a big orange tabby who looked like he owned the place! He came over and sat on my lap for awhile and I could feel myself relax and feel better. I know some people might think it is depressing to go there especially when I have no intent on adopting, but I feel like the cats are so happy to have someone come and spend time with them and the patting of them and socializing with them makes me feel better and gives them some attention that they may otherwise not get. I left relaxed but still cold.
I am home alone tonight and I really should have gone to the gym, but I can not convince myself to go out again, so instead I decided I can turn the heat up to 70, just for a few hours and feel snugly warm, eat a truffle from the candy my Valentine got me yesterday and just chill. Tomorrow is another day and the gym will be there and if I after tonight, treating myself well, I am sure I will be in a much better place and I will make it to the gym cold and all.. I am also going shopping tomorrow, despite the fact that it is sooo cold and we are still in Winter, Spring and Summer items are at the stores and I am shopping for a New Beach Chair and a New Bathing Suit.....now that will get me to the gym!!!
Thanks for listening............

" A Heart Attack??!!"

I started my day with a post on my blog about my Valentine, that was the sweetest part of my day.
Not long ago I posted about my best friend and how she is my Louise and I am her Thelma, we had had words as the day had arrived that she was to give up smoking and when I called her out on it, it got a little ugly. That day came and went and we are true friends and we have had words before and will again and always we are friends and I love her with all my heart.
After writing my blog post I went about the rest of my morning and noticed that last night at 10:45 Peg ( my friend had called ) she left a message, " please call me, I know your probably asleep but when you get this message call, it is important" Of course I called, no answer. I called back ten times, I texted, and nothing.
By noontime I was getting very concerned and left a message saying " I am worried , please call ."
1:30 I got my call, Peg had had a Heart Attack, my best friend all of only 53 years had had a Heart Attack, and last night she was calling before they did a Catherization to unblock an artery that was 95% blocked. I drove to the hospital fighting back tears fearing what I was walking into and imagining my life without my Louise.
After the hugs and the tears and the relief that she looks weak, but good, came the concern and the part if me that wanted to lecture and shakes some sense into her, I refrained but have already been researching ways to help her quit smoking and will up my research into low sodium eating and cooking.
Thank Goodness Peg knew the signs of a heart attack as she tells me she had every classic sign.
As I sit here with gratitude that as yet Peg is fine, and push away the thoughts of all the what ifs... I hope on this Valentines day, everyone take the time to learn the signs of a heart attack as it may save your life or the life of a loved one.

You have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince"

"You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" This is a quote from one of my sisters. I love this quote as in my case it held some truth. My road to happily ever after was rocky at best and dangerous at times, but at the present time, it is sweet and simple and exactly where I want to be and where I want to stay.
I got up very early and placed a red bag filled with my DBF's favorite candies and nuts and treats next to his take to work bag and a very special card saying one of the most important things I could ever be sol lucky to say and mean. I am in Love with my very best friend. He is my go to person when things are good and things are bad, and he is the most supportive of me even when it is a popular place and when it is not.
Without him I may not be where I am at today in my weight loss journey as I have been one of the lucky few who have a man that loves me and thinks I am beautiful when I am 261 pounds and feeling my worst about me and when I am 145 and feeling confident, he has been here for both and he has never wavered in his love or affection.
Lucky for me that this road to happily ever after was rocky as it is what makes me realize what I have as I know what I have had and I know how lucky I am!!
We went out last night and celebrated the day with dinner as today we will have my granddaughter, and making little valentines!
We split a Valentines day meal for two, Filet Mignon, Lobster Pie and Chicken Parm, with salad and mashed potato and broccoli, it was delish!! I skipped the chicken and he skipped the lobster, I skipped the mashed pot, he skipped the brocoli , I had the wine that went with the meal and he ate the cake and a a perfect date it was!
I wish Everyone a Happy Valentines Day!!! If you have not found your Happily ever after remember what my sister said "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" That can hold true for this as well "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess"

Moving Forward

Ok, let;s start with this, I lost 3 pounds! Yes I am happy, it feels a little bittersweet though as I lost those three already and I have 3 more to go to be actually losing new weight. Yes, still licking my wounds of a 6 pound gain in two weeks. That said I do feel good, and I have a plan.
My plan is to clean up my eating even more and too exercise even more, I expect more than I have to do more. The eating part of my plan is my war on salt, as I said last week, I have really done some reading though and boy I was pretty clueless about just how prevalent the role salt plays in my diet! I have been feeling like I am a pretty clean eater and that I have reduced the amount of processed foods I eat and I have but I see that I need to step that up as well. The FDA has put out new recommendations and they say that 1500 mg of sodium is what is recommended and a typical American diet contains twice as much if not more. I do not consider my daily diet typical, so that gives me some relief, but I did decided to explore this on one of my favorite sites the American Heart Association. I like that site as I come from a family of Cardiac problems my dad died when I was nine after suffering three major heart attacks, and now later in life my mom has had her issues. Siblings as well as myself have had our scares, I even have had a Catherization and trust me as happy as I was that there was no blockages the idea of a needle every being threaded through my thigh again, keeps me in line! So here is an article I read on salt and they have a quiz at the end that I encourage you to take, I took it and got 5 out of 8 right, of one of the ones I answered wrong, about chips and tomatoes juice, I was blown away. I hope as I learn more and explore salt less options I can share them with you.
In August of last year I had another heart scare as told here and the end result was I was 100% cleared for exercise and I have and I feel great about that, but yup, I have a plan for that as well. I am putting it in writing, almost like a contract with myself in front of everyone to up the ante. Yesterday I went to the gym with my daughter and she eloquently pointed out that while working out my heart rate was better than hers, she is a very fit girl but lacking cardio in the winter months, but what I also realized was, I kind of sort of, like the gym. " When did that happen??" not only the gym but the Elliptical Trainer that I have been so afraid of, I was liking the rhythm I was falling into, liking the sweat beading up under my hairline at my neck and more importantly liking how strong I was feeling! These realizations will keep me moving forward and give me a better sense of direction as to where I should be focusing with my eating and an exercising and I will lose the next three pounds again ( sigh) but I will also get beyond that number as Onederland awaits me...........

"how do you know you're out of shape? your mother kicks your butt at the gym

On the Eve of my weigh in following last weeks 5 Pound Gain I was thrilled to read this on my daughter's Face Book Page "how do you know you're out of shape? your mother kicks your butt at the gym" She posted this afternoon. Michelle is 25 and in great shape she rides horses, is an EMT, all 125 ish pounds of her lift 300 pound people up on a stretcher and all that stuff. I have been known to write blog posts on how when walking through trails with her I feel like Jillian from the Biggest Loser and she may be genetically linked! She is is however not a gym dweller.
Michelle called earlier today wondering if I could work Pizza into my day as she was craving it and we both like it the same way, onions, peppers and garlic, and added a salad to the order and called it in. The pizza was pointy as a result I am eating a lot of Zero point Veggies tonight and half a serving Turkey Veggie Chili off the Weight Watchers site, it is VERY good I might add.
I am thinking about some Non Scale Victories I had this week and that Facebook post is definitely one of them. I also emptied the salt shaker that was on my kitchen table and vowed to not add salt at the table anymore. I have long known that salt is a problem for me and suspect it played a strong role in the weight gain last week.
Besides today's work out with my daughter I also worked out three other days and conquered my fear of the Elliptical trainer.... I tried it, I liked it, yes I liked it!!
The scale may or may not be kind to me tomorrow, but I can assure you and more importantly me, that if it is not, it has nothing to do with my lack of effort and I will reread these non scales victories and soldier on!

Inspire Me!! 12/11

Another cold day in New England and a quiet day at my house, I dropped Granddaughter back off with her mom, I had her for the last 36 hours and she fun, and a tad exhausting, we were busy and I am grateful that I have the energy to keep up with her, but I am admittedly tired.
I am longing for some inspiration and have been reading blogs and feeling a like I just need a push, to read something and be inspired to get myself out the door and to the gym. Maybe it is the long cold winter or maybe that I see a job and my career moving in a direction albeit the new job does not start for a few weeks, but something is sapping my energy levels and I feel low. So I read blogs, and the comments that go with them and I feel something happen within me, it is a realization that I need to inspire me. I need to be my cheerleader here. The only way I am going to reach the success that is mine is if I do the taking.
Somewhere I read, Do the work and the inspiration will come, I like that and I can see where in the past that has happened for me, especially with the gym. It could be that when I push myself to get there and I put the effort in, the endorphins kick in and I just feel better, or maybe it is I see the progress, could be both but it does inspire me.
This Winter that is so draining will go, the days are already getting longer and the sun ( when shining) is shining longer and I know that under all that snow lies my gardens, I will be tending to them soon,and I will be walking through my favorite trails, my job will start and I will feel better. Until than I have to push and yes inspire myself to keep working for my success. Success for me is the weight loss to continue, and my body to be healthy and strong, being fed food for living and to have walked away from the feeding my body to make my head feel better. I am reminded of my mantra early on in this journey and that was whenever I felt sad, I would eat and I replaced that with
" There is nothing you can eat that will make this feel better". Jillian on the Biggest loser helped cement that with me when she said " Hunger is not a Feeling" to me that meant you can substitute sadness with a cookie, or any food item.
My mantra to get me out to the gym on days like today when I want to just stay cozy warm inside is "Do the work and the inspiration will come."

Jennifer

Well I waited all day for the Oprah show with Jennifer Hudson, and I was not disappointed. She looked amazing and had some good things to say. It was nice having her family in the audience and seeing some of their successes as well.
I so agree with her when she said if there is something you do not like ( referring to yourself) Change it! I so believe that, that is not to say I think it easy as I know it is not.
I read some message boards, and I wished I hadn't as I forget that they usually can make me cranky, this time the busiest board was about her hedging about the actual number of pounds she lost. There we comments indicating she is the spokesperson for Weight Watchers therefore she should just come out with the number. I decided in the best interest of my sanity I would not jump into that discussion as I have done that on this particular message board before and lived to regret it.
Here is my thoughts though, the scale is just half the story, we all know that, the healthy eating and habits is the real story and just ask anyone who has been stuck on a plateau, yet have seen tremendous losses in inches if you need more clarification. Putting a time frame on the weight loss is not a great idea either and it is usually the follow up question to " How Much have you lost?" It can be a huge frustration and sense of disappointment to those that take longer to get the weight in pounds off, so from Weight Watchers point of view maybe that is not where they wanted that to go. From Jennifer's point of view and I could be all wet on this, but my feelings are look at her, look at how happy she seems and if the number is something she rather not share, spokesperson or not she is still entitled to her privacy. I am quick to say how many pounds I have lost and how much I have to go and what my goal weight is , and I know anyone can quickly do the math and figure out my highest weight and what I weigh now, but I am fairly certain last time I looked " The Enquirer " or " The Star" magazine was not trailing me waiting to see that number change and make me the next story of the day!
All in all so glad I caught the show!!

Against all odds

Against all odds, that is how to describe the likelihood of me working out at the gym today. I woke up sluggish, and forced myself to get outside and warm up the car for the trip to my moms. At 7:30 it dawned on me that the trash needed to get down the driveway and neither the neighbor upstairs or DBF had tended to it. It was than about 2 degrees out and I hate the cold, not just a little, I HATE THE COLD ,,a lot.
I grumbled my way out the door and for the umpteenth time this winter juggled the barrels down the icy driveway.
After the trash detail I headed off to moms and took care of her stuff and when I returned home I could not motivate myself to go back outside. I was a slug today admittedly, no ambition, and just low key, played on computer, took bubble bath, wrote out grocery list and read blogs, heck I did not even write my own blog post until now, typically it is first thing in the morning.
I had not heard back from my job interview and self doubt was setting in, I knew that one of my references had been called and it was a personal reference so I felt good about that. I knew that at 5:30 I had to leave the house to pick up granddaughter for the night. At 3:00 while laying on the couch watching my favorite soap opera, ( usually that is when I do my gym workout, watching it while I work out) it hit me, a sentence I had read on another's blog this week " What are you willing to do?" I begrudgingly got up, and slowly packed my gym bag, if I was going to work out, i needed incentive and today that incentive was a steam bath. I put on my gym clothes, grabbed my coat and gym bag and headed for the car. I negotiated the icy drive way to be accosted by a road rage driver whom was not amused that I needed to edge my way out past the large snow banks, it apparently slowed down his high speed trip home. Next was the too narrow street that had me almost impaled on a snow bank...trust me the thought of returning home was running high. Get too the gym and there is not a space to be found, and the parking lot is encumbered by large snow banks that limit the parking spaces even more. Finally I find a spot and have a car right on my Tail.....I look over my shoulder and to signal that I am taking the spot and it is an ex boyfriend of years past, I know he uses the same gym but usually I am out of there by the time he comes, in 16 years we have not spoken a word, yup that kind of ex boyfriend. I still proceed and park, and walk and can hear someone behind me, yup...the ex, I take the high road, and open the door to the gym, hold it open for him, say Hi, How are you? and answer good and walk away.
I am at the gym, I worked out and I treated myself to the steam bath............the nicest thing a cold winter can offer.
When I am all showered and dressed to leave it occurs to me, I feel good, I did the right thing. I am willing to go to the gym Against all Odds that I will not. I have been eating well this week, I took the high road and spoke to someone I would be happy to never see again, I have lost 50 something pounds and am on my way to lose 60 something more, in addition I am changing the direction of my life, interviewing for a job that I will be doing what I love things are good.
Get to my car, voicemail, listen, call back,,,,,, I have the job!

Gaining Back Control 2/8/11

Yesterday was a good day, on the heels of posting about stopping the gain that I have witnessed coming back on. I feel good and while reading some other blogs of friends I see a trend. Not all of course but some of us are struggling right now, whether it be due to a Super Bowl fiasco or busy schedules or just the doldrums of a hard winter, it can derail us. I can be derailed but I need to get back on the track, so to speak.
I am a caregiver to a lot of people not by career but by nature, born that way, maybe a role in my family I was six of seven children in a very chaotic home, whatever the reason, that is who I am.
I read posts of bloggers who are struggling and I feel compelled to leave a comment with some help, many of us do and that is what makes this site work so well for me. What would like to say for anyone who gets my comments is that I promise I walk the walk, if I leave you a comment of something to try, it is something I tried and it helped.
All that being said, yesterday I got a lot of positive comments and help on my post about me needing to stop the gain, and I am grateful, and I had a good day yesterday. I went back to basics, weighed and measured my food, tracked every bite, added no extra salt, ( am actually thinking about removing salt shaker from my table!) met every healthy guideline. I stayed within my points for the day, unfortunately I did not exercise, but I will today. This week is about getting back control and it will most likely result in a weight loss but should it not, I know it eventually will. I may string a whole week of good days together that is my intent but we all know that good intentions can go awry, but I will keep trying and the keep trying is what makes the difference between succeeding and not.
While at my job interview yesterday ( I think it went well) the subject of whether I was capable of carrying fifty plus pounds came up, and I was able to say " Yes, I can do that " This job would not have been an option last year. While discussing the physical aspects of the job my weight loss came up it was refreshing to se ethe reaction of a stranger of the significance of losing fifty pounds, as we forget what an accomplishment weight loss is. She was amazed and I think it coincidentally helped with the interview, it showed motivation and determination. One thing to remember is if losing weight was easy we would not have a nation with an obesity problem! When we are on this site we lose we are contact with people on the same journey and it is easy to minimize your weight loss number as there are people with higher amounts, but every pound lost is a step in the right direction for your health and well being and again, hard work that requires the ability to try again and keep trying.
Today I shall keep trying and tomorrow too!

Stopping the Weight Gain 2/7

So yesterday I owned my five pound weight gain, and added it to the one pound from the week before. Six pounds up and ad far as I am willing to go, actually farther than I was willing but whats done is done.
My first step in regaining control is recognizing that probably more than half of the gain is water, due to my very bad salt habit. To combat that I need to cut back on my table salt and really start looking at the hidden places sodium is in my diet. I can do that. It will be hard as I recognize that I am a little like an addict with my salt and not to make light of anyone's addiction, I too feel a little powerless over this white powdery stuff. Yesterday my day of reckoning on the scale was also Superbowl Sunday, what that means for me,I go to a party at my sisters with her husband and my niece and nephew whom are 9 and 10 and absolutely love my potato skins I make and bring and I equally enjoy the food their mom has prepared. The potato skins are adorned with crisp cooked bacon, any saltaholics demise. I cooked it crisp and ate my share before it landed on the potatoes and I than again indulged in the treats at the party, 19 of my weeklies are gone, but I am not worried as I planned on that. Yesterday I also reintroduced myself to my good water habits that had slipped off the map. I drank my weight number in ounces of water ( I am just assuming that). The other thing I did and I think it really helps me is I sat down and read blogs and kept reading until I could feel the positive energy rekindle. I even reread some of my own posts, to bring me back to where I was when I started and how I felt as I went along. I was very lucky to read a blog by a friend whom always inspires and yesterday was no difference, it was Rosemary. She wrote yesterday " What Are you Willing to do?" and I really needed to read that and ask myself that question. Thank you Rosemary.
I already have answered the question, but I need to keep asking it, and than ask it again. I am willing to keep moving forward and that means continue to go to the gym and continue to push myself to workout harder. I am willing to track every day every bite, I am willing to blog honestly and to be unbelievably truthful with myself on why I am eating and how I feel and how I need to not eat to feel better. I am willing to take care of me, and that means for me right now, to keep moving that scale downward.
I am signed up for a Yoga class that begins next Sunday night. Five weeks, I did research, it is a gentle class that eases me into yoga, I have spoke with the instructor and discussed that I have lost 56 pounds and am looking to lose 60 more, and that I was new to Yoga, and have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew ( love the food references) and this is the class she suggested, I am optimistic!
This morning I measured my peanut butter that i put on my toast. I know the wisdom and going back to weighing and measuring as it is a natural progression to eyeball bigger portions. I am cleaning my cupboards again, it has been awhile I want to see what culprits have taken up residency again, like Ritz Crackers, processed foods that are high in sodium. I have a plan I am using it!!
I have a job interview today at a local garden center that I frequent and I am hopeful as not only is this joureny about my weight loss but it is about living the decision to live my life doing what I like to do, for years as a single mom I worked a multitude of jobs to pay the rent and financially support the girls, great paying, soul and time stealing jobs! Now it is just me to worry about and that means working for the rest of my years, but doing what I love, for that I am willing to live frugally and have time to write and have time for my family. That is what I am willing to do for today and hopefully always.
I will keep this "What are you Willing to do? " question right on the top of my head, and for good measure taped to the fridge...."

" Are you Kidding me??!!!"

So when I got on the scale this morning, " Are you Kidding me??!!!" escaped my lips, loudly. It was not because I had hit onderland as my goal has been and will continue to be for awhile. Nope, it is because in one week I gained 5 Pounds, add that to last weeks 1 Pounds and now we are at up 6!!
You might ask who gains 5 pounds in week, or maybe not as you all like me have been on this weight loss journey and know that it can and does happen.
I am not as shocked as I am disappointed and not with myself as much as you might think as I have been feeling good about my joureny and my progress and I know that a lot of the numbers on the scale are just out of my control at times. I need to own some of the gain and I need to just accept some as monthly fluctuations and the joys of woman hood, as the girls are very sore and that tells me that not only are they filling out my bras better but they are holding some fluid that might otherwise double as false advertising for DBF.
Some of the gain is I am struggling to drink my water, here is the reason, I drink my water warm especially in the winter as just the act of drinking cold water makes me cold and I hate being cold.I drink most of my water in the car, back and forth from errands and taking care of my mom and for that reason I always keep bottled water in my car, a case and you know what it is there know, frozen solid. On my counter in the kitchen I keep a picture of water with a Brita Picture and that too has been neglected as I am keeping the house cooler ( price of oil) and it sits next to the coffee maker, I will always pick warm coffee and hot tea.
Problem number two, is salt. Love salt and like and it loves me, I have had a lot of popcorn this week, within my points but clearly with too much salt. The only good news about my salt habit is as of late I have noticed it and thought, this tastes salty or even too salty, and that is happening more often than not. Coming from a family if cardiac history with a tendency to retain fluid, sadly it is time to attempt to kick the salt habit.
Now I know some of this gain is clearly too much of something else too, and I will look over my tracker and find some things I can cut back on and get my water in, and as much as I am disappointed, I am not derailed as here is what I know, I look good. I feel good, and I have lost over 50 pounds and this is a setback and that is all.
When I look in the mirror I see the changes, when I see friends and family they are quick to ask about my weight loss. When I shovel for two hours I remember that last year I was incapable of the same effort and most importantly I know this is a journey and challenges are made to be met.
Mr Salt, you and I need to stop seeing so much of each other, I will miss you but I am sure you will find some one else and hopefully she will treat you as well as I have, but please let's break off our relationship slowly....

Long Day, Tired with a side of Gratitude 2/4/11

In my goal to blog once a day, here is my second attempt. My first attempt was this morning, as usually that is the best time for me, I was interrupted by my sister whom is very ill and on a Liver transplant list. She needed a ride to the hospital and that is where I spent the remainder of my day.
She has a gallbladder problem and for you and I that may be a quick fix, maybe surgery, maybe blast the dang stones, but for her it can be a life threatening situation, for that matter so can a cold.
We got through the day and she will most likely be there over the weekend while her transplant team decides the best course of action.
I am tired, tired from sitting in a chair and watching others do their work to make my sister comfortable and feel better. It is an emotional tired, as I know at any day one of these trips could be her last, it is tired from pretending to be strong when I sometimes feel very weak and small.
Today was also a day that was riddled with laughs and stories, those times when you wait in between tests, and IV's being hooked up that you break the silence of the remember when stories.
I am also full of gratitude, as I was able to drop what I was doing ( blogging today) and be there for her, grateful that this emergency is being handled and she will most likely return home and continue to wait for a Liver. Grateful that I have my health and a plan to just make that health improve daily, grateful that I am not craving a cookie to ease the pain and grateful that I have a group of friends here to share the good and the bad and sometimes the ugly, Thank You!

Sharing a Picture of my Sister, she has the best laugh I have ever heard, looking at this picture, I can almost hear it!!