TMI...possibly , but one more thing I like about succeeding with Weight Watchers

DBF and I have been together for 10 years which means he has seen me at my lowest weight ever and likewise at my heaviest. He has always said and I belive him and you will too as I go along, " I do not see your weight, you look beautiful to me , no matter what what you weigh" Yes I know, that is the most wonderful thing anyone can hear and before you want to steal him, please know that with all good qualities, there come the not so good, but I will not digress ( smiling).
So he met me at a size 8, I was a Dining room manager at a local restaurant and he was a regular customer, he owns another local business and was always coming in for a quick dinner and drink, and than headed back to work. I would like to think it was my charming personality that caught his eye, but I do believe being on my feet for fifty to sixty hours a week, carry trays that weighed upwards of 50 pounds had created some pretty darn nice legs to look at, and a skirt was always the attire. The rest they say is history.
On one of our many evenings out if he were telling this story and not I , he would marvel about a certain black little sundress I had and how much he loved seeing me in in and later out of it and that one of the things he loved was my fondness for sexy underwears....he too has a fondness for them ( me in them, not him!), nobody is happier to see the Vicky Catalog arrive more than him! Suffice to say as I gained weight the selections on sexy or cute lingerie was diminishing and more importantly so was my self esteem and desire to shop or wear them.
About 5 years and 100 pounds ago, I cleared my closets of all the size 8's 10's 12's 14's and right up to two years ago, the 1X's , my daughter's and DBF stopped giving me gifts of clothes at my asking, I did not want to say what size I was, but that last Christmas before that I got the gift of lingerie. I smiled than and now when I think of this relatively conservative man walking into Victoria Secret to buy me some silk and lacy unmentionables, but he did, and a size large, they would not even fit my thigh, but I had not the heart to return them, instead I hung them in the closet with the sole dress I had left in there, the little sundress that he loved so much, and the memories attached to it. He has never asked what happened to them and I never told.
Yesterday I ventured to the back of the closet and pulled out the dress and yes the unmentionables and I tried them on...THEY FIT.... I took one pair and placed them back with the dress, Summer will come and with hard work I will be wearing that dress, those unmentionables and we will go out..... The other pair I wore, and Asked DBF if he remembered them..Yup He did.
I am thinking by Next Christmas, I will be unwrapping clothes again... and quite possibly seeing Pink Striped Bags.....

New Year Approaching

Like the television news shows, I find myself recapping events over the last year. I have the benefit of my blog to go back and reread my journey thus far. It is a great thing to do as I prepare for the upcoming year and set some mini goals and continue on my end goal, lose and maintain 120 pound weight loss.
I have some favorite moments over the last year, and some real awakenings. March of last year I was dealing with life and death moments of my mom, that I am happy to report she survived. She is healthy as can be at 80 and sporting a new hip and like my weight loss rebirth, she seems to have a rebirth of her own, she is living life more fully and that is how I feel too!
While she was struggling and clinging to life, I was feeling all the stress and pain, feeling it not eating it away as in years past, and that was the first indication to me that I was going to succeed this time. Here is what I wrote Look What I found
What I really see now that I did not for all the years I was carrying the extra weight was, I was struggling and clinging to life, it sounds a bit dramatic I admit , but very true. Food was a drug for me, and it was killing me, slowly but nonetheless still killing me. Sleep Apnea, High Blood pressure, Gerd that was eroding my stomache, and emotionally I was numb to how I felt and what I wanted in life. Auto pilot, is what I was on and now with Auto Pilot off I can really feel and see what I want going forward. I have had a year of self discovery that continues every day. I learned I do like exercising, I do not LOVE it, but I like it, I do love how it makes me feel. I also have found that I can handle my emotions without the assistance of a Twinkie or six! I can reach out to friends on or offline to help my feelings and by doing that I am open to being a better friend to them as well.
Recapping is how I will spend the week, counting down to Jan 1, 2011, I will be 47 years old in three weeks, and I am feeling healthier and more alive than I was at 40, Who Knew??!! Have a Great Day!

New England Winters

It is cold tonight, really cold. The snow has stopped and I have about 20 inches outside my door. I love New England, I love the change of seasons and the unpredictable weather. As early as two days ago the weatherman were not able to call the storm, and last week they called for a big blockbuster of a storm that never materialized. I do however hate the cold. I still feel that as I lose weight I am losing my insulation and I can not figure out how to dress accordingly.
Today I learned that being housebound with the snow falling and the wind howling, triggers something in me to eat. I made it through the holidays and lost a pound, but today with every hour that passed I was noshing like I was headed for hibernation. Good foods though as I have no junk in the house anymore, but I was seriously fighting the urge to eat even more than I allowed myself.
I had to laugh at myself as I reminded myself of the shoppers who when they hear the word snowstorm, rush to the store to stock up, as if they will not get out for awhile, now that may have been the case in the day, but we have stores on every corner now. We certainly have refrigerators and pantry's full, we can last days without worry. That said, I still wanted to eat and cook and hunker down.
I wanted a White Christmas and I got my wish.... we had flurries a few days before Christmas and now we are graced with 20 Inches!
I earned 20 AP's with shoveling today and I felt great, last year at this time, I would be crying like a baby about how sore I am and out of shape, today I am proud to say I love New England Winters and am up to the task.... Check out the picture with my post....only in New England....Wicked!

Happy Anniversary To me

Exactly a year ago today I joined Weight Watchers online and begin my Weight loss journey. A week later I began this blog. I had joined Weight Watchers approximately 186..or so times before over the course of my life, once I even lost eighty pounds hit goal and celebrated with food, and well I am sure you know how that turned out as I joined again, and again. Last year on this day I was looking at 120 pounds to lose and I was beyond overwhelmed, I felt defeated. I decided though than and still now that I was up to this journey and worth this journey and I would take it and I have.
I had some pretty high expectations of myself , as I anticipated writing this blog and reporting back on this date that I had lost 100 pounds and had just 20 to go. I chuckle to myself as I write that as that has been a recurring theme for me on this journey, I set goals that are just a little beyond my reach and than I am disappointed, not defeated but disappointed. What I have learned and would love to be able to give to all newbies or rejoiners is this, " It does not matter how long it takes to lose the weight, what matters is steady progress on the scale as well as most importantly in your head. Better choices day after day, minute after minute, and acceptance that a bad meal is not a bad day or week, just a bad meal, keep going. Don't give up and Don't play the I will start again next week, or tomorrow, instead start again next bite, or your next thought."
Last year I weighed 261 pounds on Dec 26, today I weigh 206, I lost a pound this week, Christmas week, while preparing my traditional cookie trays for my friends and family. I woke up Christmas morning, my weigh in day and was greeted with a one pound loss bringing my total weight loss to 55 pounds! 65 to go! 7 pounds away from Onederland, which I may see by my birthday( here I go again with the mini goals, hopefully this one within reach, January 15)
More than losing the weight I have gained a better sense of my self, and an understanding of what makes me eat. I have been blessed with a great online support group and met incredible people here, and without them I am certain I would not have lost 55 pounds or found me.
Happy Anniversary to me, I am going to celebrate, I am going to soak in the tub with a luxurious bath bomb, I have a yoga DVD that will teach me poses, that I will be practicing all week, as I am joining my first yoga class in January. I will have a six point glass of wine tonight while watching the snow fall, and I will give myself the gift of time, I may not reach 120 pounds lost in what was my original time frame, but I wll get there and look forward to sharing the journey with all my new friends here and my offline family and friends whom without I would be lost.
Love to you all.... :)

" Has Jenna lost a lot of Weight? She looks Amazing! "

" Has Jenna lost a lot of Weight? She looks Amazing! " That is the quote I am hanging my hat on this Holiday season! My niece called my sister after I posted pictures on facebook of me and my kids and granddaughter tree decorating Wed night. It was followed by an email from my Brother who lives in Ohio, I live in Mass and have not seen him since last year. It read " Holy Cow, you are melting away, you look great!" I really am happy to hear these compliment as I weighed in yesterday and I stayed the same and guess what? " No Big Deal." Yes that is me saying no big deal and I say it realizing once again mini goals may not be met. Reaching my half way point to my final weight loss goal, I wanted it to be by Dec 26th a year into my journey. Weighing under 200 pounds by Jan 1st, doubtful, but I am ok with that, I know I will get there and I would like to have met my mini goals, but I recognize I need to work on being realistic. There is great pride in no gain the week before Christmas, no gain over Thanksgiving, and 53 pounds gone.
I post pictures of myself on facebook, ask me if I did that last year...No Need " No I did not!"
My daughter also sent me a picture she took of me the summer of 2009 relazing by the pool, she was afraid to let me know she had it as we had rules about no pictures of me, but she thought it was safe to send it now as she can not even believe the difference.
Things are good, I finally realize how long it takes truly is not important, what is important is that I do not give up until I have lost and maintained the loss, so that is forever, and forever feels good!!

Ginerbread Coffee

Last night I had Chinese food for the first time in months, like six! It was all my points for the week and I thouroughly enjoyed it, until 12 PM when it was sitting like a brick in my belly. It was a planned event and when I discussed it with my sister she tried to convince me to wait and save those points for something better with the holidays coming.
Here is the thing, there is nothing over the holidays I can not have!! I realized that last night, moderation is the key and I have that down,, and a planned night of chinese food reinforced the reasons why I am happy about that. I do not want to eat until I am uncomfortable, I have learned to respect me and my body more than that, it will happen from time to time like last night but certainly not on purpose like before. I would eat until I could eat no more. I tell myself now the last bite does not taste any better than the first, quite the contrary when I was eating just to eat or numb my feelings, I did not even taste the bites after the first three. Woo Hoo! What a Victory for me!
Now a holiday food that can get me in trouble is Egg Nog, I would drink it from the day after Thanksgiving when it hits the grocery store shelves ( I am talking alcohol free, the kind found in the golden carton) until Jan when the last of it is gone from the carton that was replaced weekly in my grocery order. I have given a great deal of thought to this and for the same reasons I do not want fat free creamers, too pointy and too many ingredients I do not recognize , I decided to allow myself a glass on Christmas. One full bodied glass with cinnamon sprinkled on top, when the house is quiet, the gifts unwrapped and it is just me, Michael, the cats and my tree.
What do I replace that daily egg nog with ? as it has embodied the holiday season for me, something seasonal that just kept reminding me it was Christmas time, a time to really try to see the good and share the good. A time when family spends more time together and everyone seems a little happier to be around. Giving to others comes more natural, and seeing the good in people comes a little easier.
I decided to try favored coffee, Green Mountain has a coffee called Spicy Egg Nog, I bought 4 K-kups ( I own Keurigg single brewer, it is worth more to me than my car, as I take my coffee very seriously) I brewed the cup, added my Vanilla soy milk and one splenda, sat down at the computer with my Christmas mug that I have been using since the day after Thanksgiving.
YUCK! YUCK! YUCK! not for me, this will not do it, I have three K- Kups left and will probably discard as I will not even serve it to my least favorite Christmas visitor, ( not giving any names here).
I did not give up, and fortunately for me I found the coffee for me, Gingerbread, By Green Mountain. It is wonderful and with the soymilk and splenda as well, and it will get through the holidays, saving me from longing for the daily glass of Nog.
When Christmas day comes and than winds down and I am sitting in the living room in front of my tree, I will be so thankful that I did not gain 10 pounds over the past egg nog tradition, and that one glass will taste amazing and than, it will be over and I will get up on December 26th and brew my Gingerbread coffee until that Green Box is empty.

Choices

Since my last blog on Sunday I have been really struggling with a tragic event that happened in my town, and whereas it is about what effects my journey it is really not weight loss subject perse'. I feel like I should add that it may be emotionally charged and sad and feel free to pass right by if you like, but every fiber of my being needs to write it and put it out there.
We had crazy weather on Sunday, heavy rain and gusty wind that was sweeping the rain and it fell every which way but straight down. I was out with my daughter driving around looking for, a craft item, animal safety eyes, so she could finish her hand knitted Christmas mice decorations she is giving as gifts this year. We hit three different stores in three separate cities and found what she needed. It was a white knuckle flight at times as I was in unfamiliar areas. I was cranky as I am a good driver but struggle to see in that kind of weather as I imagine many people were.
Cut to the news Sunday night, a Thirty three year old woman is run down by a suspected drunk driver in front of the State Police Barracks and in front of her mother who was sitting in the car that her daughter was returning too. The daughter was running a simple errand of picking up a police report for her husband from a little fender bender he had earlier that day. No names had been released but she was not expected to live and sadly we learned later she did not. I hate this right before the holidays, so tragic, drunk drivers, all the bad feelings that comes with them, was swirling through my head.
Monday morning all the details have spilled out and the woman by all accounts in the paper, from friends and family is a fabulous example of how we live our life and who we should strive to be, she is in the process of readying her house for her husbands two nieces three and five to come live for a year while their parents who are Marines are being deployed, her family says she was an Angel on earth.
The driver who my instincts were to despise by all accounts is a stand up guy, father of four, heavily involved in his kids lives, 3 kids in college now, one in high school. loved by friends and neighbors alike, no drunk driving history, no traffic violations in 27 years and apparently no history of alcohol abuse. The picture of him in the paper at his arraignment shows a broken man, the regret and remorse is visible so much so that I shed tears just looking at it. I do not know him, I do not know the lovely woman who's life was taken by a very poor choice that can never change. Niether family will ever be the same, and the magnitude of the tragedy has rocked me to my core. The paper indicates he had 3-5 beers at a friend's house.
I have made a conscious decision to change my life with my eating and added exercise and for 12 months I have been very successful and because I wanted to change my life. I had the desire to change how I felt physically and emotionally, and I did. I have some more changes to make and this time they are to better myself as person, a person that can always live with my choices. I do not live in a glass house, I will not throw stones at that broken man whom made a fatal choice that I know I personally could NEVER live with. Last night I said out loud what I am now putting in writing for all you to see, and I hope you think about and enact in your own lives if it applies. I love my wine and love wine with dinner when we go out, and I have had two glasses of wine over the course of an evening out and than got behind the wheel of a car. I am not saying I was drunk, I have been drunk and even drunk I had the sense to not do that, but seriously, I am thinking " Why take the chance?" If I had two glasses of wine and than you add that weather, but by the grace of God that could have been me. I have wine at home, I cook great meals, if I am the driver, there will be no Wine, Beer or anything, and at 47 years old, I have spent a lot of time making sure my word is good. RIP Cynthia

Adjusting My Sails

The journey continues and I am pleased to report that I am winning my bout of bronchitis and feeling human again.
Yesterday was the first time I have logged my weight since being sick as I was afraid of what would be the result. I feel like I had some near misses in my eating while I was sick, sometimes I did not want to eat at all and sometimes I would want to eat every comfort food known to man, the good news is the cupboards have long since been stripped of any junk. I do have stocking stuffers of my grown daughters favorite candies but I did not break into them ( phew).
Usually when I am sick I drink a lot of juice, tall glasses of orange juice, this time I ate the orange. I had chicken soup as frequently as I could and rested. It sounds like I ate well, but I will tell you one day I had two bowls of buttered pasta with salt and pepper, to me that is comfort food of the Gods.... what I realized later is, it was whole wheat pasta ( thumbs up) and light butter with canola oil. This is a great testament to the advice of removing junk and unhealthy foods from the house!
So yesterday I came online changed my weigh in day to Saturday so I could get on the scale accept whatever the weight was, log it in and move forward. I want to be have a full week of the New Program, I want to own the damage and move on, no looking back, I was sick and my focus was to rest and get better. I have not seen the inside of the gym for TWO weeks, I look forward to going tomorrow.
I weighed in and guess what? I lost a pound! I was surprised, pleasantly surprised.
Should I have been surprised? Probably Not.
I have learned over the last year to eat mindfully. Even when I was sick I still did that, I ate an orange and skipped the multitude of tall glasses of orange juice. One day I ordered in take out, fat laden foods to feed my soul, one or tow bites and my stomach that was used to good healthy meals straightened my head out and I gave away that food and heated up a can of healthy chicken soup.
Friday night I went out to dinner and ordered blackened fish and baked potatoe, salad, dressing on the side, passed on the bread. The meal came and in the very busy restaurant, I got rice pilaf instead of the baked as ordered. I told the waitress and the service was less than and she never corrected it. I will eat rice pilaf, I do not love it, and I have no clue how many points, my guess is many! I adjusted my thinking, I pushed the rice aside and opted for a piece of bread with a pat of butter, equal to a baked potatoe. Eating mindfully.
All this said I am behind where I wanted to be with my first mini goal, I wanted to see 60 pounds gone by my anniversary date, of December 26th and I am at 53. To lose 7 pounds in two weeks seems impossible but more than that it feels like the trying would riddle me with frustration and for what? I am on track for losing all my weight and hitting the end goal, a healthy me. I have another mini goal and that is by Jan of 2011 to b under 200 and that seems doable, 9 pounds away. I am readjusting my sails, that what a journey is about, when you face challenges you handle them, and when you can not meet them against the odds, you adjust them. I do not see this as a failing moment as I see it as great progress, my goals are to motivate me to reach my final destination and through out this process I have set goals that are just a little bit out of my reach, and seeing that I see in the past I have always set myself up to fail, and than I would give up. I will not give up and I will learn what an acceptable and achievable goal is, even if it is with trial and error!

Hungry Hungry Hippos

So I know I may be dating myself here but here goes, Does anyone else remember when this game first came out, Hungry Hungry Hippos, I was like12 and I instantly liked the game and related to the name. That was a great name for myself and the feeling I had all the time, I was always hungry and coming from a large family that was financially and emotionally challenged , one of seven children I felt like one of those Hippos on the game board, that when the food ( marbles) was placed on the table we all had to quickly grab it and claim it and if we took food and put it on our plate, we had better eat it. Not a pretty visual and remember I was 12 so my recall may be embellished a little, as well as I had a brother three years older and if it was not nailed down he would eat it, he usually won the game, just sayin'
Back to the name of the game, many years later and many years in between I have thought about that phrase, and have used it to describe the surge of hungry I feel. Usually that hungry is not the growling in my stomach as a reminder that I skipped a meal instead it is the all consuming feeling of I must eat and a lot of food, it is the feeding of my emotions and not my body. Yesterday when I returned home from the Dr's and had taken my medicine I took a nap and struggled to sleep at first, I laid there thinking of how hard I have been working to lose this weight and how derailed being ill was making me feel. I was thinking I still need a Christmas tree and want it now, I wanted to feel healthy enough to wash the floor in the living room for the tree ( why is that when we are sick, we see all the dust bunnies and want them gone now, and the day before when we were well it was the last thing on our mind!) I Was feeling bad about not being able to think about my eating and not caring about it and feeling bad about being behind on the holidays quickly approaching and until I feel better I have no control in any of this. I have no control until I feel better, as when I was a child I had no control in that chaotic home.
I woke up from my nap, like a Hungry Hungry Hippo...the appetite that had been had been squashed the by the illness was here, and again like the other day I wanted junk, Chinese food was swirling through my head ( I have had not had chinese food in months) I talked myself down from that and instead ordered Mozzarella sticks and a pasta carbonara dish from the new Italian pizzeria in town, and when I went to pick them up I was informed by the man at the counter they are called Monsterella sticks!
There is a reason for the name they looked more like corn dogs minus the stick and after eating one, I was so full and sick, yes sick, I may have lost my senses, but my stomach knew better than I . I felt nauseous and I tried one bite of the pasta dish and knew what I was doing. This was not food to fill my stomach, this was food to stuff my emotions. I put the lid on the pasta, I wrapped the Monsterella sticks and I got out a can of progress minestrone soup. My daughter who is a size 4 soaking wet came by and away she went with he food, she would feed her and her boyfriend with it.
Hungry Hungry Hippo is who I was when I was a kid trying to find my way in home of 7 children with parents whom were pushed to the brink of sanity by their addictions and responsibilities that they could not manage, I was hungry for love, I was hungry for acceptance and I was hungry to feel cared for. Yesterday I was hungry for some of those same things and today I would tell and am telling myself, I am sick, and I am capable of taking care of me, the last year I have proven that to myself, I know how to deal with difficult feelings without stuffing them down. I am surrounded by people who care, people who want to help. DBF came by and put up the remaining Christmas decor on the outside that I was unable to finish, he knows what is important to me. My daughters called and came by to check on me, I am not that Hippo anymore.

Survived the threat of a Binge, but definately lost thebattle to the cold. 12/6

Bleck!! That is one word to describe how I feel and the lucky Dr gets to see me again tomorrow....my guess is the " This may be viral and we should wait before adding antibiotics" has progressed to we waited and saw and here is the antibiotics....
With the help of my friends here I did not eat myself into oblivion as I thought I might in Saturday and now I am struggling to eat at all..
Sickness defiantly wreaks havoc with my program!

I am in a dangerous place, and I fear a binge ( a ramble to get through the urge) 12/4

I am not sure why I am in feeling out of control, but I am.
Could be a side effect of the bronchitis, sick since Monday, no gym, no trip to the grocery store. I am on the new new plan with no stocking up on the fruits and veggies.
10:30 and I have eaten and here is my tracker so far
Soy Milk with coffee 2
3/4 Honey Bunches oats cereal 3
1 cup skim milk 2
Pizza ( cold ) 5- not very good I might add.

This leaves me 18 for the day and 15 weeklies for the rest of the week, 4 days. I am struggling. I have candy in the house for the kids stockings ( kids, meaning 25 and almost 24 ) and it is in danger. The first three days of my week has been on the heavy side of eating, and it has occurred to me that it could be as simple as I feel bad and am trying to eat to make myself feel better. I know eating will not make me feel better but it is such an ingrained habit that even this many weeks into my weight loss I feel myself looking at the possibility of an old habit.

Tea with lemon, 0 points
My solution for the next three hours..... and than a reasonable lunch of soup...for 3 points.
I can do this, I know I can, and just writing it down, shows me how much more aware I am for the reason behind my eating, and gives me the strength to stop before ingesting another bite, forcing me to be conscious of why I am eating. None of the foods I have eaten as yet has nourished my feelings of wanting to be taken care of, and not by someone else, but by me. I am sick, I want to take care of me as I do others and cold pizza, stolen Christmas candy, does not do it, Tea with lemon, yeah that works, Chicken soup, feels good, laying on the couch with a good book, or a movie...

Any one know how many points in Cough Medicine?

I think I have said once or twice that I am negative when sick, not sure if I mentioned whiny, irritable and can cry on demand. Well that sums up where I am at today and have been this week, and I am disappointed as I think I have bronchitis and will head off to the Dr to verify my self diagnosis. I have a long history of bronchitis, and I never smoked and do not live with any smokers now, so why do I get bronchitis? add to that I was diagnosed with Asthma last year, Adult onset. I am a skeptic on that Asthma Diagnosis, but nonetheless in my medical chart it is there.
I am disappointed because I thought like everything else that has gotten better with weight loss, my bronchitis tendency would go away. Listen my blood pressure is great now, as is The Gerd, no more C-pap machine for sleep apnea and my heart is great, no more chest pain, the list goes on. As I type this I see the danger of my thinking, Weight loss does not fix everything in my life, and there is danger in thinking it will, as that disappointment is another obstacle that can and has for me in the past and others as well, to regain the weight as what they thought the weightloss would fix, still remained and needed fixing or acceptance. My bronchitis is going to need my acceptance. I can like the fact that I feel physically stronger to handle the symptoms, I am coughing and a lot and unlike when I was carrying a lot of extra weight it is not complicated with the being out of breath from just living with the extra weight. I am no longer wheezing because fat is surrounding my chest and so the wheezing with the bronchitis is more bearable and hopefully can be brought under control quicker.
Bottom line for me to know though is " losing Weight will not fix everything broken in my life," Repeat, repeat, repeat.
So the gym has been out of the question for the last two days, No AP's and I am back to the question of "Any one know how many points in Cough Medicine? " I am trying to maintain my humor,,,,,,

Keep Your Eye on The Ball

I went looking for a description of the quote " Keep your Eye on the Ball" and this is what I found and it is exactly what I was meaning.
keep your eye on the ball: try to achieve your goal; do what you have to do to.
If you don't keep your eye on the ball, you're not going to be successful.

I have lost 52 pounds! I broke through a plateau that threatened to derail me, I am wearing clothes in sizes I have not seen in years, and I have reclaimed my health ( not counting the cold I have, as that will come whether I weigh 350 of 110 pounds).
When I got on the scale this morning and saw that I had lost three pounds just this week, bringing me to my mini goal of losing 50, I immediately looked at what I had to do to reach my next mini goal of being at my half way point by my Weight Watchers anniversary date. DBF, quickly said, " Relax, look at what you have done and enjoy that for a minute" I will tell you what I said to him.
" I am enjoying the loss and I will every time I think about it, and I will think about it a lot! " What I have learned from myself and even from the contestants on the Biggest Loser is, I need to always have a goal, something I am working on to keep myself focused and successful. " Keep your Eye on the Ball." That is what will keep me successful, that is a great realization for me, and it is just another step in this journey, and without learning that I am certain that I would have stopped along the way, sidetracked, and that is what has let the weight come on. I gained this weight while I was sidetracked with other things, eating mindlessly or purposely eating to numb my feelings, more often than not, by focusing in the mini goals I have to think before I eat and I have to decide to either feel my feelings or stuff them down with Double Cheeseburger and side of fries, and I choose to feel them, deal with them and move on!
This is a learned behavior, and I am still trying to master it, but I hope it helps someone else that might be fumbling and and trying to find the strength to start, or stay on board, or just find something to help them. " Keep your Eye on the Ball."

On a lighter side, for the 50 pound lost celebration as I am celebrating!! Tomorrow night I have an appointment to reward myself with a new hairstyle, and my hopes are to share that in an updated picture, providing I can get one that I like, DD is in charge of helping me get some before and during pictures so that when we reach the after we can really see the journey.

Enjoy the Day!!
" Even with this cold I could just skip today I am so happy!! When was the last time you skipped?

The Good, The Bad abd the Ugly

I have been up for awhile, trying to be kind to DBF who has to work and I have been coughing half the night, I am up so he can sleep, so I did what any normal Weight Watcher would do, I checked out the new plan, again and again.
I still am optimistic and feeling like I can do this but I have some relaizations, and I will start with The Good-My work outs are going to count and gain me more points, almost 5 more per workout and for that I am so happy. It makes sense to me to as I add a lot of resistance to my workouts just by the extra weight I carry before I pick up any weights.
In my refrigerator now sits 8 small 1 cup size containers of my Soy Milk that I put in my coffee. This is a what I consider the The Bad- I have worked really hard to find a way to have three coffees every morning ( very necessary) and have them be creamy and sweet. Month's ago after great research I gave up half and half.,Goodbye Half and Half for point reasons and did not want to add fat free half and half as I wanted to lean into a cleaner eating style. Yesterday I learned that my soy milk that I have made work, 2 pts for one cup has jumped to 4 pts. Yikes, for reasons I will explain later ( otherwise known as the Ugly) I need to keep that number to 2 points for my three daily coffees.
Back to the measured cups in my refrigerator. I have learned that 3/4 of a cup of the Soy Milk I use is 2 points, and I can live with shaving off a 1/4 cup. I am not so bright first thing in the morning so I figure until I really see how much that is I better go back to measuring, another good thing that the new program will get me to get back in the habit of.
The Ugly- DBF likes to eat out three times a week, and before you start thinking it is about my cooking, I assure you it is not! He would assure you too, but hopefully due to my sacrificing my sleep because of this cold and coughing, he is sleeping. When we go out I usually have wine, a eat well, have I can eat out and still lose, back to the Wine. Wine doubled in points per ounce. DOUBLED,,,, as did most breads and my standard baked potato? Gained 2 points. I need to make some sacrifices and I see that, and still I am up to it, but the wine and backed potato, I need some time to adjust too, this is The Ugly. A typical meal out for me is
Wine 4-6 ounces, twice a meal,,,ok,,ok,,two glasses of wine. was 4 pts now 8
A cup of Soup 2-3 Never cream based 2-3 pts
Grilled fish or chicken 5 ish
baked potato was 3 now 5 points with sour cream only 1 pt. thankfully stayed the same.
Steamed Veggies ( I will gleefully add that my beloved Winter Squash no longer costs me any points!!)

While DBF is sleeping maybe I should start working on subliminal messages. " Eat at home 5 nights a week, Eat at home 5 nights a week, Eat at Home 5 nights a week..."

I think this is to be continued .....I am thinking the Ny-quil is getting to me..

Size Large

" Mom! Look at you, you look so little." that is what I was greeted with the other day from my daughter Michelle.
Now I have lost weight but I would not call myself little but I will accept littler :)
Today I woke up with a cold and I was a bear, and any excitement I had for the new program was out the window, I immediately saw that points had changed on many of my favorites and was starting to feel doomed, fortunately after a couple good naps and feeling better I am ok, it will be ok, I lost weight with Weight Watchers trusting their knowledge and I will continue to lose 70 pounds trusting them, bringing my weight loss to an anticipated 120 pounds.
I reminded myself something I really wanted to write a blog post on and that is I am a Size Large in Sweaters and Shirts. I found this out quite accidentally this weekend, while shopping some local second hand stores as I am feeling the cold with my weight loss and want clothes but not for a lot of money. I plan on continued weight loss so investing in clothes is just not practical, however wearing clothes hanging off me is not either!
I went into the store and started a pile of Size XL, happy as I started this journey at 2X and it has been years since I have seen an Extra Large. The woman behind the counter was pleasant and so interested in my Weight loss, we talked about the program and I felt like a walking advertisement and I was good with that. She also kept steering me to size larges, and I said I would try them, but I was doubtful. Guess What? yes, I am a large" I am happy very, very happy.
Again today Michelle tells me how little I am and asks me if I remember the last time I was a size large, she thinks 7 years at least, when she graduated from High School, and I looked at some pictures of that time, I think it was longer. This brings tears of joy to my eyes. I can do this, we all can do this, and it is such a great feeling and any changes Weight Watchers has made I am up to them, I committed last December and I have no intention of letting a change in the road stop the journey. Soldier on

Let me preface with this, I am sick, aka negative

I have been looking forward to seeing the changes in Weight Watchers for weeks. Today I get up and see them and I am like a whiny and not amused child, my favorite bread jumped up 2 points per slice!
Same for my cereal, and before I go totally off , I have to remind myself that I am sick and feeling negative, I went to bed with points still left over in my weekly's for the next two days and woke up to being into my activity points ( which had grown overnight as well, and that is as positive as I can be).
I thought cut my loss's and change my weigh in day til Monday and start afresh and it will not let me do that! GRRRRR,,,,,,,not how I anticipated welcoming in the changes.
Going back to bed, will get up read some positive posts and get my head back in the game, if I can just stop sneezing, coughing and feeling so , well...BLECK!

My Guy 11/27

Lucky me, and I am hoping many of you have a significant other like this or will find one, but here is why I am so lucky.
Wednesday morning was a bit of a disappointment for me, I weighed in and found that I had not lost any weight for the 4th week in a row, and alluded the 50 pound lost milestone I was looking for. I accepted it, somewhat graciously but was still mopey about it with DBF. We had dinner and he went back to work for a few hours and when he came home I was in bed watching The Biggest Loser reunion show. We were talking about how so many contestants has put the weight back on and I was talking about how that is one thing that makes me try to be patient with my weight loss is I want the bad habits to be completely under control when I hit maintenance as that is what I perceive as the hardest part of my journey, maintaining my weight loss.
What came out of his mouth made my heart feel sing and feel totally accepted and understood.
" Jen, I admire you so much, you get up every day and motivate yourself to eat OP, exercise, and you have lost almost 50 pounds on your own, No Jillian or Bob, or a carrot of $250,000, and while that may seem like a simple thing to do I know it is not and I love you no matter what you weigh, but I know this is about your health and I want you to succeed and know you will. I know you will get there and it does not matter how long it takes."
When I fell off the wagon and got back on the scale again on Thursday morning ( I am really trying to weigh self just once a week) I got my Thanksgiving Surprise and I have broke the plateau and lost 50 pounds, and no one was happier than DBF, but I had already been rewarded the night before with his sweet words and reminder of the things in my life that are right and he is one of them.
He is in the picture with my post today and my Granddaughter, the both of them add to my happiness every day.

A Thanksgiving Surprise

I woke up Thanksgiving morning, stumbled to the coffee pot, grabbed coffee and sat at my computer for a little while and than off to the shower, and fresh out of the shower out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Roland, yup, my daughter forget to take him home with her last night. For anyone not knowing who Roland is, he is my scale, I named him, makes hating him more logical for me.
I am feeling pretty weak looking at him, thinking " Why did I not get him out of the bathroom" I have tried to stay loyal to my weigh in once a week, and this clearly is a challenge I want to win. I was not winning yesterday morning. I dried my hair, still trying to ignore Roland in the corner, I thought I even heard " No one put's baby in the corner " I was having a full attack of scale obsession. You guessed it, I climbed on Roland, and squeezed my eyes shut. slowly opened one, than the other and looked down,...
Plateau Broken!!! the scale read 211 DRUMROLL....50 POUNDS! It was the happiest moment of my weight loss as yet, a little tainted by the fact that I can not log it as my weigh in day is on Wed and I had already logged that I had not lost any weight. I will tell you though, I am and was thrilled and it helped say no to a lot of things yesterday, like a second piece of pie, Turkey Stuffing Sandwich my sister offered when she found out I would not cook a traditional Turkey dinner in order to honor my weight loss efforts and by the way the meal was instead Apricot glazed Turrkey and Sweet potatoes, weight watchers and great. I passed on eating a piece of Apple pie that I had made with my daughter that morning, she brought one to her Inlaws and left the other with me. I was not hungry, just kept thinking it was Thanksgiving and I should eat it...huh?!! glad my logic prevailed over that thought. Roland was kind and I accepted that as the gift it was meant to be, however I must conquer my scale obsession so one day of him being nice does not mean he can stay....he and I have some boundary issues to work on and he must do it somewhere else and he can come back home next Tuesday on the eve of my weigh in.
So here I sit happily and feeling like, I can do this, I can really do this, and it is with a grateful heart to all of you who help and support me along the way, this online group of friends helps sustain me and I " Thank You!"
My friends and family and some follow my blog, get a special " Thank You" as well as they live with my scale obsession, rants on the phone about how the scale will not move, or listening to me grumble out how cold it was on my walk... I love you, Heidi, Chelle, Angie, Marianne, Alice, just to name a few... Thank You....
I will begin thinking about my next mini goal and how I will get there, you know I will be sure to share it with you all...

Thankful for Pie for Breakfast 11/25 Turkey Day

Growing up in a large family I have favorite memories and traditions I hold dear and some I can just let go, Pie on Thanksgiving morning is one I will keep at least for as longs as my mom is alive to indulge in it with me.
This morning I drove to mom's with for my morning check in and had a pumpkin pie in hand, I bought it at the local farmstand and she was eagerly awaiting my arrival. She has always had an enormous sweet tooth but it has increased by 10 with every year that passes.
I am one of seven children and my sister and I were talking this morning and laughing at the fact that we believe the tradition started because mom had no self control with the pies in the house and how could she justify to us that she could have pie for breakfast but us kids could not, I am thinking that was battle she could not win. Whatever the reason, it is a tradition at this point, and the 9 points I used to have a piece of pumpkin pie with my mom was well with all 9 points. I am Thankful to have her still alive this year and know that it could have gone another way at several points. I had one piece and left the pie with her. She will have dinner with another sibling and I have my Weight Watchers Meal ready and planned and my day is within my daily point range.
I am also very Thankful for this great online community all the friends I have made here and all the daily support I receive, how lucky are we to have all of this support right at our fingertips, Thank You.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and try to remember as I will as well, that it is the people and the memories we are celebrating and the second piece of anything tastes no different than the first, moderation is good!!

Diary of a Palateau, 49 pounds and counting 11/24

per·se·ver·ance /ˌpɜrsəˈvɪərəns/ Show Spelled[pur-suh-veer-uhns] Show IPA –noun 1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
Perseverance, that is what it takes to overcome a plateau, and if you were to ask me last year if I could persevere through a whole month of no weight loss despite doing everything right, I would give you a resounding " No Way!". Today I will tell you, yes, " Yes I Can," Am I happy about it, of course not, I am disappointed, a little angry, very frustrated and even dumbfounded. No need to check my journals I know I have been eating right and I have tracked a lot of activity. I would own it, if I were cheating I would recognize that I am only cheating myself. I went on a search and it did not take me long to realize what could be the culprit. I am tracking a lot of activity, and that activity is the same every workout, and in this article 10 Reasons your not Losing weight it makes a compelling point that I need to change what my activity is and every six weeks or so.
Changing what I do at the gym is hard for me as I am in a comfort zone, I recognized that last night while watching the Biggest Loser, even before I climbed on Roland the scale, you know the inanimate object in my home that I love to hate, by the way he is leaving again today, back to my daughters, he is in danger of flying out a window ( yup, I am a little angry).
Watching the intensity that the contestants exercise at, I felt ok, as that is me I am pushing myself, I am sweating at my gym, on the treadmill, always the treadmill. Not all the hours of the day like the contestant on the BL are but that I would never do, and I love the show for inspiration and trainer tips, but that is where my comparisons stop. My comfort level is what keeps me on the treadmill, fear of the Elliptical, or fear of failing or flailing off it is more accurate. I have a fear of all the equipment that I am not familiar with there and here is where I need to be as strong in person as I am on paper, or online blogging. I need to walk inthe gym and climb on one of those bad boy foreign to me piece of gym equipment and look like I know what I am doing! Back to the old, fake it til you make it! Hmmm,,,or maybe I can be a little kinder and gentler to myself and ask one of the trainers for a quick tutorial and maybe get a price of how much they charge an hour and put a trainer package on my Christmas list. I like how I am thinking right now, and if you are still reading I am glad your here sharing my thoughts.
Back to this plateau for a minute, boy this is tough and I on the outside I can be logical and see it for what it is, but I want to recognize the way it makes me feel. There is a real feeling of, " I give up" What's the use" " It will never happen" and those feelings fuel my, I am eating whatever I want tomorrow, and will just accept that I am going to have a gain, and maybe skip the gym for awhile.
Today right now I am putting the breaks on acting on those feelings, they are just that feelings, not always logical, not based on science, they are what led me to weigh 120 pounds more than I should. I am letting myself feel them, heck I may even stomp around the house for an hour or two, I am home alone, why not, BUT I am not letting my feelings, override what I know to be true, I feel better, my health has improved drastically and I am on my way to losing 120 pounds and gaining my life back. I can practice what I preach and what I know, this is a journey and the losing the weight is the shortest part of that journey, the keeping it off entails the rest of my life, which I am thinking with all these healthy changes , will be significantly longer with these healthy changes I have made.

Where's Jenna? 11/23

I am seriously looking for me, as I am changing before my own eyes and I hardly recognize my own thoughts!! Example, I am headed int the gym yesterday and I see a sign on the door that says " Open Thanksgiving 7-11 am" and I think " Good! I can get a Workout in and a Steam bath for a treat!" Whoa!! who is that girl? Now lets add to that. Thanksgiving will be quiet for me this year, both daughters are headed in other directions, and I have been invited to many places but am opting out for a quiet day with DBF and myself, he has his kids obligations early in the day allowing for my gym time and than I plan on making the Weight Watchers point Friendly meal Apricot Glazed Turkey Breast and Sweet Potatoes. I am truly not worried about holiday gain, and that is a true transformation, and again I ask " Where is Jenna?"
I am embracing the changes and I am going to start to make a list of the things I notice so that when I falter, I can see it in black and white that I am and can continue to lose this weight and gain the healthy person I want to be!
Roland ( my pet name for the scale in my life) has been at my daughters house all week, and I do not miss him! My mood is great when I am not being taunted by him, and I base my success on how I am eating, exercising and tracking! I was afraid to let him go, I had visions in my head of me at Target or Walmart every day, trying out their scales,( scary visions as I weigh in, with my birthday suit!) or getting up early and visiting my daughter, stripping down in her bathroom and stepping on the dreaded Roland, but it has not happened and I am here to say, " Where is Jenna?" "What have you done with her? "
Well I am here to say that I am liking the new me and I am here to stay!!

My Walking Buddy 11/22

40° CloudyWeather, that is the weather this am, and she called and we are walking. I am whining, and she has to be the tough one, as I hate the cold! We are not walking our regular walk but instead she leaves her house a mile away and I mine, and meet at a coffee shop, we have coffee and than walk back home to our own homes, 2 mile round trip. I am adding steps to my day and building up tolerance for the cold. I decided a month ago that this morning walk has now been delegated to just extra walking as my workout at the gym has far-passed the intensity level that this walk is at.
It was a great starting place for me and for my buddy, but I say this with no judgment, just sadness as I know there is no good in it for her, but she still is smoking, and can not increase her walking speed. My job as her walking buddy is to stick it out with her regardless of the fact that I feel like hibernating in the cold, as she hates the heat but for my sake kept walking all summer. Walking Buddies, I highly recommend :)

My Goals Thus far

I read a great blog post from a friend this morning and it touched on goals and how in the beginning of this journey her goals were not of the numbers but of milestones that would naturally happen along the way. I was very impressed as a.) She has met them b.) She had the wisdom right from the start to see that the numbers were not the most important thing here, health and being able to live life to its fullest is the goal for her.
Admittedly for some people it is just the numbers or how they look in the mirror, and that is fine with me, whatever reason brought any of us on this journey, the success of the journey will inevitable improve your health and well being. I like my fellow blogger friend, came looking for health and well being. I unlike her, jumped right to the numbers and typing that and recognizing that, gives me the understanding of my relationship to the scale. It is like my Aha Moment ( Thank you Oprah for coining that great term).
I am going to backtrack to my goals last December. Long before I got on the scale I knew this to be true, I could not walk, climb stairs, carry my precious granddaughter or even tie my shoes, without being out of breath. I had not one day in the prior year that I did not suffer from GERD ( Heartburn times 10), I was on a CPAP machine for sever sleep apnea, according to the sleep sonography test, I stopped breathing more than 57 times and hour. I feared that like my Father whom died at 42 I would not live to see and enjoy my grandchildren and would leave my daughters, whom already were raised single parented would than become motherless as well. Simply said I was a mess, and rightly depressed.
All of the things I listed have changed. I not only am fit enough to walk and not be out of breath and can do any one of those tasks but I belong to a gym that I frequent no less than three times a week most times 5. The GERD is gone, except when I absolutely need Bacon. CPAP Machine just retired, and I had a clean bill of health on my heart in July, the Cardiologist gave me a year Warranty. I will always need to be cognizant and have a Stress test yearly due to family history, but I changed the variables that could have brought on my early demise. These are great goals met and they are the tip of the iceberg in terms of all the goals I have met. I will take some time and really think about them, and a post will follow.
So now I am thinking about the list of things I wanted to do and could not before I met these goals and one that stands out to me is, Yoga. I have read about it, bought a DVD Yoga for Big Women and misplaced it. I have talked with my older daughter and she too is interested and has been for awile, I have been dragging my feet, thinking I am too big, or I am not in shape or, or or,,,,Well the time has come and I found the place and I am going to add this to yet one more goal to be achieved.
I am not saying that the numbers on the scale are not going to concern me as unfortunately that is the way even WW measures the success, necessary evil, but when the dreaded plateau hits as mine appears to have, there is so many more tangible ways to see the progress and the goals met are so much more than the numbers reflect. So "Thank you " Frani, for the clarity today,
On a side note Roland ( my scale) has left the building, my daughter kidnapped him with the thought hat out of sight is out of mind and I am thinking at a Yoga studio lies the serenity I need to get over that obsession with him! Pretzels anyone?

Love being a "mimi"

The smell of waffles lingers in the air as I type, Blues Clues is on the Tv behind me which can only mean my Granddaughter slept over last night. I awoke to her asking me if we could go to the Santa Parade, NOW. She knew it was one more sleep away, she has been counting down the sleeps since 4 sleeps ago. That is how I taught my girls to count down big events when they were small and it so endearing to me to continue the tradition. She had her one last sleep, the remaining hours will be the long part!
Besides Evie knowing how to count down to the parade some other things have changed since last year, we will be walking, it is 1/4 mile up the street from my home, last year we drove anyways, as I was so out of shape and feared she may need me to carry her. Today I can carry her and will and walk. We will have company of my Sisters and their children and their childrens's children. I come from a family of Seven and I am number six, number seven was a Big surprise so her children are older than my Granddaughter but not so old that they do not believe in Santa. Another change this year is I will not be avoiding the pictures that may be snapped, I will not be wishing the parade will end as I can not stand or sit another minute, due to my weight causing me discomfort. It is the start of a Season of firsts for me again, and I could not be happier!
Haverhill, MA: The 46th Annual VFW Santa Parade will kick off this Sunday at 1 pm With the theme "Christmas in Haverhill's Neighborhoods," and we will be there!!

Roland won this week's battle, I will win the War! 11/18

Well I brought Roland out this morning expecting Sweet Success, I could see that 50th pound gone post, as I gingerly placed my feet on the Roland. Than it happened
with a wide sneer, the number came up 212!! again. Thoughts of Roland
flying through the air encompassed my head, tears welled in my eyes. I
did not kick him, I did not cry, and I will not give up. Back to the
closet Roland went.
I am beyond disappointed and frustrated, but I am also very happy with me. Happy?
Yes Happy. I had a stellar week, OP. I had enormous stress, my car broke
down and I did not make it to the gym the two days it was gone. I did
however exercise, I walked a five mile walk around my neighborhood that
was filled with hills to challenge me, both days. I kept my eating on
track, I kept Roland in the closet. I did my part and for whatever
reason the scale does not want to cooperate and I have no control over
that. Maybe it was the stress, maybe my body just needs time to adjust
to all the changes I have made. Whatever the reason, it is what it is,
and I must move forward and that thought is what makes me the happiest. I
am not having an internal argument with myself, there is no " What is
the use?" or " I give up until after the holidays" being spoken in my
head.
I have 5 Weeks to meet my goal of being at my half way
point in my Weight loss journey and to be under 200 pounds for the first
time in over 8 years, it is a very big battle, but it is the battle
that brings me to winning the war that my eating and lack of exercise
has brought me too. It is a battle and I want to win it and I am
confident that despite going in to the hardest time of the year, the
holidays I can win this battle. Next week Weight Watchers gives me a new
tool and I am hoping that will help propel me there and this week, I
will do what I have been doing, stay OP, exercise, and do not let Roland
talk me down.

I forgot to Weigh in today...11/18

Crazy day and I forgot to weigh in, which seeing as I am online you would think, no big deal....get on the scale now. Nope not happening. I weigh in, in the morning and in my Birthday suit, and I have battled the scale all week, tucked away in my closet the last 6 days, and when I get on it, I want to be at my best! I want 50 this week. Tonight at supper it occurred to me that is I was 49 years old I would not be so anxious for 50, but we are talking pounds here.
My car is back in my driveway, $883.00 Yikes, Yikes is all I have.
Short blog, hopefully good news tomorrow.

The Good News 11/16

A Follow up from Yesterday My Day
So yesterday was just out of control and as I sit here at my computer waiting for the garage to call with the price to get my car up and running again I am trying to find positive in yesterday.
The good news is Sophie my cat that was critically injured two months ago is 100% better. To recap, she was struck by a car and broke her pelvis in three places and suspected nerve damage to her, urinary system. She is spent a week in the hospital and than I spent two weeks bringing her back and forth for daily vet visits. They advised me yesterday that her youth and great health prior to the accident is what made the difference between life and death, but I should anticipate that she will have arthritis as she ages, and her weight is now tipping the scales too much. I love my vet, I wish my Dr was a tactful as that when he was concerned about my weight, I do believe he used the word " Morbidly Obese " and more than once.
Of course she is " Tipping the scales " she does not go out anymore, and that is a feat in itself as I never wanted her to go out, but both my cats, my senior 15 year old Penny, and the baby Sophie, were rescue cats. They were born outside and spent every minute that I kept them in, thinking about how to get out! I have done what prior to Sophie being hit, I deemed impossible and that is retrained Sophie to be an inside cat, please do not ask about Penny, as she has been going outside for 15 years and that will not stop. Back to the The weight problem of Sophie, now she just eats and sleeps all day and I do mean all day, she is resting for the attack mode she gets in, when Penny, bless her 15 year old heart comes in the door. Sophie who used to fear Penny has begun stalking her and tormenting her every waking moment they are together ( no wonder I can not keep Penny in) The fear Sophie once has was replaced with " I am a survivor attitude" after the near death experience. At night of course Penny comes in and , trust me she has it made. I recently in lieu of her being stalked and tormented by Sophie have given her own room, formerly my office. I share my office with Penny, at night she gets to be in there all by herself, food, water, her own latrine and a heating pad and cat bed. I however get Sophie who at 4 am is now awake and ready to play, she awakes me by batting my cheek with her paw, and if that does not work she starts knocking things off my dresser, until I get up and feed her again, and apparently that is the meal that vet suggests, I take away.
What is the post about again? Oh yeah the good news, so now Sophie like me is On Program and seeing as she is limited to inside work outs my job is too find away to get her moving and preferably between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm...any thoughts?
This good news from the vet was $45.00, adding to her total bill of $1071.00. I am so hoping that the broken down car comes in significantly less that that, but that is the bad news, I will save for later

My Day 11/15

1. Automatic payment causing checking account to Overdraft $25.00
2. Bringing Cat to final Vet Check up from accident last month $45.00
3. Apologetic Breakfast to walking buddy that I forgot to cancel 7 am walk with $20.
4. Gas in car $45.00
5. Tow truck for Car that broke down, 15 Minutes after gassing up $125.00
6. Cost of car Repairs to be determined ( still in shop) $ $ $ $
7. Take out of Salad +Sandwiches(unable to grocery shop due to car) $20.00
8. Bag if Baked Lays that I threw away as I felt a binge building $2.49
9. Bubble Bath $6.50
10. Laying in hot bubble bath, envisioning tomorrow being a better day, PRICELESS

Thelma and Louise

My Louise is back from Mexico, she was away for a week, she and a
friend made a deal whoever won the contest at work would take the other
on the trip, if either of them one of course won, and they did! Off to
Mexico they went.
She coined us Thelma and Louise early on in our 6 year friendship as we each bring out the craziness in each other that can make us double over laughing or even worse begging the other to stop long enough so that we run to the bathroom and empty our bladders rather than add more humor to the already out of control situation. I am thinking ifwe were born a generation earlier we may be Carrie and Samantha from
Sex In the city and I of course would be Carrie, (the writer wanna be
claiming Carrie), and she Samantha as she is always has an eye for the
men. As it is we were not born a generation early and Thelma and Louise,well they are a great fit.
Louise can pretty much say anything to me and I her, we developed a bond rather quickly and we have lives that run pretty darn parallel and met at the same job. While working , we carpooled together and that is where she developed an appreciation for my driving and I an appreciation of her backseat driving, not that
at times it has not been warranted. Let's just say " Oopsy" is the word I use when I get a little too close to a mailbox, it happens pretty frequently as I am an animated story teller, even when driving, and I talk and drive a lot! Louise's most frequent driving comment to me is " Do you think you need to be THAT close to the car in front of you?" followed by a deep husky laugh. Before you fear driving in my State,
Massachusetts, I must interject here I have never ( knocking on my wood
desk) been in a car accident and I have been driving for almost 30
years now).
Louise is deep husky with a rasp voice comes from years of smoking, and she has taken a lot of abuse for that habit of hers and she is ready to quit. I know this as upon my last lecture to her she told me so. She set a date and it was the day she returned from Mexico, so imagine my surprise when I asked her about it yesterday while making lunch plans for today and she responded with, " Thelma, I have set a
date, and I have a plan, and that is all I am going to say about it." Ouch! does that indicate the tone? " Ouch"
Louise has been my biggest cheerleader. She has laughed with me over not finding any undies that stay up over my shrinking derriere. Before I started this weight loss journey it was she who shared all my tears and chuckles over our weight.She unlike me can handle being overweight and dresses to accentuate all her positive and looks like a million bucks all the time, I on the other hand tried to blend, you might remember this post" Yeah You Blend"
It was Louise who was greeted by me, one morning, my turn to drive, crying as I
handed her her coffee when she climbed into the car. " What is wrong?"
she asked all full of concern, and was greeted with, " Sniff, I am so fat I can't get my arms around my back to fasten my Bra anymore." I laugh now, oh boy though, she laughed than and in her most sympathetic laugh she could muster said " I have not been able to do that for years,I can't believe you could, no wonder you always looks tired when you get here! " that was funny, you might have had to be there, but she also graciously told me the trick of fastening in the front and turning the
bra to the back and sliding the girls in, must admit my mornings became easier!
Back to the tone, I am thinking being her cheerleader for quitting smoking is going to require some thick skin, and I never having smoked so I may lack the skills to understand this one. Lunch today hopefully not,

I have been thinking about " What My True Calling " is for awhile, long
before the November issue of Oprah's magazine came out, asking that
exact question. I am a great believer that we all have a true
calling, but not a great believer that we all find or follow it. For a
myriad of reasons, all revolving around life and responsibilities I lost
sight of what my true calling really is.
Being a single mom for 20ish years my monetary support of my daughters deemed what I would do for work. Something I hardly blog about is that I was laid off many
months ago and struggling to find work back in the field I was in,
Sales. No surprise that the work search has been difficult.. I have
worked a part time job for a Landscaper and that really fueled my desire
to find my " True Calling". I have pretty much realized that that will
mean a significant loss in income and I am good with that. My
responsibilities have significantly changed and I can afford to take
care of myself financially with less, especially while taking care to
nourish my soul with the enjoyment of incorporating what I love to do
with what pays the bills. I know in this country and these economical
times, I may be working full time for the next 30 years and I want that
time to be as enjoyable as possible.
This looking for my True calling is a huge realization for me, one that would not have happened had I not started my journey of Weight loss, as in my last post, I wrote
about how numb I was to my own feelings, wants and needs. I have lost
Weight, and yes that was the goal, but what I never knew is how much I
would gain along the way. I feel good, and not just physically, the
slowly peeling the layers of pounds has revealed me to myself, and
allowed me to explore who I am and how I got here and where I am going
now.
I am artistic, and that makes sitting in an office for 40-45
hours a weeks seem like torture, I hated it, never felt it much though
as when that feeling surfaced I ate it away. I just kept doing it. Forty
nine pounds ago, I would not have had he physical strength or mental
clarity to apply for a job that would require me to be on my feet all
day, outside working in the elements, allowing me to work with flowers
and design.
This is just the beginning of the new life my Weight
loss journey is unveiling for me, my True Calling may or may not be
working in a Garden Center or Landscape company, it may be penning a
novel, but whatever it will be it will be determined by me and my
thoughts, feelings, something that I was so unaware about at the
beginning of this journey.

Why I started this Journey

Thursday, November 11, 2010
Post Image I have been reading a lot of my early blog posts, I was searching for an answer as to why I would have joined Weight Watchers on Dec 26th instead of Jan 1st like a lot of people do, I did not find it written in my words, I found some interesting posts, but not the answer to that question (bdoggqueenh- This answer has been prompted by you, thank you for the revisit, I needed it )
I know the answer though, I thought maybe I had blogged it,but in hindsight it may have been too emotional for me too have put it in writing for all to see. It was fear. I was so afraid of what kind of damage I would do to myself between the day I decided I was going to lose this weight and the day I was going to start the program. I was out of control with my eating and drinking, and any indulgent habit I had that helped me numb how I was feeling, more accurately how I was hurting. 261 pounds of raw emotional pain that was being numbed not felt. I feared that I would not live to see my Granddaughters life unfold, I feared my mother whom I was a caretaker for would have to see another child go before her, and I feared leaving my daughters motherless. That fear over shadowed my desire to numb my feelings and I am so thankful for that
There are 6 days between Christmas and New Years Day, and I knew they would be six days of what I used to refer as " The Last Supper " I would eat and drink anything not nailed down, live life in excess in preparation for what I assumed would be the denial of anything I enjoyed until I had lost all my weight. In hindsight I was saving my life by joining on the 26th because on any given day before that I could have quite accidentally killed myself with my choices. I am not syaing the alcohol, I drank in excess yes, but I mean caloric wise. I was a mess, I had severe sleep apnea, Gerd, daily chest pains , high blood pressure, I could not walk 25 ft without a low wheezy whistle sound emitting from my airways. All that said if you asked me how I was, I would say " I am fine, everything is good with me, no worries."
Clearly everything was not Ok!. So fear motivated me and I can honestly say once I committed to this journey I have not looked back.
Once I decided I was going to take off this weight, full knowing it meant that I would have to feel my feelings and work through them and that I had some pretty
rough times ahead, I told people, to keep me accountable. Those around me knew I was going to try and tackle my weight again, whether they believed it or not I do not know, as they like me had been here before. In my heart I knew this time was different but it took many months before I feel others did.
While reading my past blog posts to see if I could find what I had written, I came across an entry on how hurtful others were to me while I was at my heaviest and it is a tool for me now. A very unkind nasty comment made off the cuff by a man that I hardly have contact with anymore as I realize part of taking care of me in this journey is staying away from people who are toxic in nature, whenever I can, for whatever
their reasons are for their toxicity if it is avoidable I avoid as it does not add to my life to surround myself with negativity. When I read this now, I see how far I have come, as even as I posted about the comment in January, in this post part two of one below I still can feel those words today, feel I said feel, I cried that day, and I have cried since, but even on that day I did not numb it, my mind had been made up to change that behavior.
This journey has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I so committed to it, I see now that it is essential to me being the best person I can possibly be. It has brought me closer to family members, and has taught me to distance myself from those that are toxic.

Today is going to be a hard day I can feel it already, I have an under current of frustration and doubt running through me. Lo and behold it is about my nemesis.
nem·e·ses \-ˌsēz\ a : one that inflicts retribution or vengeance b
: a formidable and usually victorious rival or opponent ...otherwise known to me as "The Scale" I am asking myself when will I ever be 100% free from this guy, yes I have personalized an inanimate object. Work with me here, because I feel like I am onto something. By personalizing the scale and giving him a name, like " Roland" for example maybe I can do what must be done.
I have been visiting Roland several times a week, ok,ok,daily and I feel he is like a bad boyfriend, he brings me no pleasure and actually drains me of my energy and can take away any good feelings I may have had before gracing myself with his presence. I have worked out four times this week, and will again today and all
Roland has to say is " sorry not good enough, not moving!" I explain that I have eaten well all week, lots of fruits and vegetables, tracked , counted every bite, generally a great example of what a Weight Watcher member should do, and what do I hear " Sorry, not moving." He teased me once or twice by showing me that he moved and that I would hit my weight loss goal for the week, but in true Roland fashion he than showed me he just might derail me and move up and add a pound in.
Roland is abusive to me and he must go, so maybe I should treat him like a toxic relative instead of a boyfriend that I want to spend time with, because if he were toxic relative I would take the advice of a professional and visit maybe once a week. See what he has to say, keep the good and disregard the rest so long as I knew in my heart that I am doing everything right and that the comments and negativity I was getting in return is Roland's issue not mine.
I am glad I worked that out...phew, so here is the rub, " Roland I will be by tomorrow morning to see what you have to say, and after that I am taking a week off, and will continue to do what I do, eat well, work out, and move along my journey of weight loss, without you derailing me with your negativity! I will come back and see you weekly and in the meantime you must go live somewhere else until I can get over you and this terrible toxic relationship" I feel better already.

Sweet Sixteen

I woke up to sleet, wind and cold weather, arghhh,,,,Sleet!!?? Really,,, Can we have our first snow first, as that brings some beauty with the cold. I guess that is what I am really looking for is the beauty of the change of seasons, it is a well established fact that I hate the cold. Hating the cold does not keep me from loving the snow, weird huh?
My mood was feeling set for the day, I needed to do something to change that, and I knew if I could find some good in my weigh loss journey that might do it. A positive so to speak as the day will be long, sleet and cold in all . I have to get a work out in, and that will not happen without intense effort, and my effort does not happen when I lose sight of the progress and last week the scale has been making me lose sight of the progress.
I decided to go out on a limb and try the one pair of size 16 jeans I have left over from days gone by. Last time I tried them about a month ago, they went up but could not zip, so they went back to the recess of bottom drawer of my bureau. Today they fit! , okay let's revisit that statement, today the zipper zipped and I see that I can wear a Size 16! I am going to revel in that for a little while, I went from a Size 22 to a Size 16 in 11 months time, most likely I was a size 24 but I refused to buy that size as I was heartbroken by the weight I had reached, instead I squeezed into a Size 22 or more often than not wore elastic waisted pants that grew with me.( attractive picture I am painting, NOT)
Despite the scale playing hard to get with me, the inches are disappearing and that is what I needed today to stay the course. I am not wearing the size 16 as because they zip does not mean they fit comfortably. gone are my days of wearing clothes so tight I am uncomfortable. I am pleased they fit, but I want to feel good about how I look and that does not happen when I feel material stretching and cutting into me. Fitting and feeling comfortable are not always the same, but I see that they will feel comfortable soon enough.They fit better than they did a month ago and even if the scale is stalling at the moment the progress can show itself in other ways.
So I can not change the weather but I can change how I feel about it, I can change me, I have changed me, and that change has been pervasive to my whole life, I keep looking for the bright side, I keep pushing myself to do what I did not think I could, I have changed my body and my mind has followed, and for that I am grateful! Sweet 16!! Bring on the sleet, wind, cold., I can handle it, sounds like the workout will be at the gym, tonite about 7:30 and followed by hot shower and steambath to warm me up and make the weather seem insignificant!

I am so excited!

I am a great guesser when it comes to surprises, gifts wrapped packages,
clues of any kind I can usually figure things out immediately.
A quick but telling story is one my ex Mother In Law ( she still loves me
and refers to me as " Her Jennifer", so there is one more great gift I
received from an otherwise bad marriage, she and my girls) . Anyways
back to the story. As she tells it you can not surprise me with
anything. She came over one Christmas all pleased with my gift, it was
wrapped and she gave me no hint as to what it was as past experience had
taught her one hint and BAM! I knew. She was feeling pretty pleased
and she put the gift under the tree and said I could even shake it, and
try and figure out what it was, something not usually allowed as my
family wants to surprise me, and they know I will guess.
Now for me, letting me touch it and rattle and roll it is the first clue, this
is not breakable, so I went forward picked up the rectangular heavy gift
wrapped present and moved it once to and fro and with glee said " Fire
Extinguisher" and yup I was right, instantly the look on her face told
me I was right. Without giving up my secrets, I will tell you I am no
Houdini, but I do listen and retain things and know what is important
information and what is not. This is one example of many and now much to
my chagrin, presents for me do not go under the tree until an hour
before we open!
Back to my excitement, this is an easy puzzle. Last
night I went online and went to my good friend Google and started
researching what may be clue to the New Weight Watchers plans and I came
up with this article.http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2010/11/03/131045690/new-british-weightwatchers-plan-encourages-the-splurge
After reading it, I was hopeful that points on some of my more consumed food
would be changing and for the better and but even more exciting would be
that most Fruits and Vegetables would have no points attached at all!!
AT ALL!! I am a fruit and vegetable eater and striving to be a clean
eater, eliminating most if not all processed foods from my diet, Splenda
have no fear, I have not found a substitute for you yet, and my coffee
is key to me being a fun loving kind of girl.
Now this morning in my email and probably in yours as well is a notice from Weight Watchers stating that on NOV 29th Weight Watchers will change they way I think
about Fruit and Vegetables. I am going out on a ledge here, but I think I know what that means, and I am so excited!! Just when I thought the program could not get any better there is all indications that it truly getting better!! Yay for Us all.....if I am right of course, but like I said when it comes to guessing surprises, I am pretty
confident... I mean seriously I guessed a Fire Extinguisher and 25 years
later the story is still told.

Throwing Away Food

I have been throwing away a fair amount of food these days, and I just did it again. Somewhere in the recess of my head I hear " There are starving children in Ethiopia( insert whatever country your mom used) ,,,,,," I heard that a lot growing up, as I am sure a lot of us did. As a child I like many always wanted to offer back " than please send it to them." Common sense prevailed though as my mother was a hot head and believed in corporal punishment and had the fasted backhand in the Northeast.
Today is a different story though, the food I am throwing away can not be shipped or sent to a food pantry, I would do that as we all know the starving children reside in our very own country now. The food I am throwing out is food that I bought or cooked thinking I would like it, but I do not, and being wasteful to me now is , eating something I do not like or enjoy it is wasting my points and wasting my efforts.
From previous posts if you read or follow them, I am a self proclaimed Chocolate lover and every day I have a piece. I count the points and I keep the chocolate in my desk drawer and have many different bars opened at a time. Last week I bought a Lindt Dark Chocolate with orange. Well, I have eaten half the bar at three different times and it is not for me, just not something I enjoy and today I just threw it away. Half of a $3.99 bar of chocolate in the trash. My efforts, of tracking, intense gym workouts, meal planning, exercising with Jillian in front of a TV wielding a kettle bell, are worth the $3.99. This is a big revelation for me, and as much as I hate to be wasteful I know that for me and my healthy relationship with food. I need to stop eating when I am full, eat because I am hungry and eat what I enjoy and not eat for others, or because I spent money on the food and do not want to be wasteful. Reality is now the same as it was as child, because I do not eat it, it can not be shipped and it will not help any starving child in whatever country, even our own. Learning to take care of me will give me the strength and knowledge to be able to help others. This said I am not going to let myself feel guilty or make anyone else feel guilty for not eating something they do not like, I get it.
Now about the chocolate, I am loving that one piece satisfies me, and that the better the chocolate the smaller piece I can eat and still be satisfied. For any other chocolate lovers out there, Dark is my favorite and I have found a great new ( new to me) chocolatier that just makes me heart sing http://www.lakechamplainchocolates.com/Chocolate/Chocolate-Candy-Bars.aspx

" Dough Boys "

I am reading a lot of posts about the holidays as it seems Halloween is the gate for the upcoming Holiday Season and I too started to let my head go there, as this season I still have weight to lose. I decided to not be freaked out.
My first thought was about my families traditional Christmas morning meal. I grew up and I can confidently say every Christmas from the time I was eating solid food was that of a concoction known in my house as " The Dough Boy"
Upon some research I see that the name is not just a family name and an actual name for a the fried doughy treat that graces my table and every relative of mine on my Mom's side of the family as far back as I and my elder siblings remember. What comes to mind when I mention to people the " Dough Boys" is the white chubby pop in fresh Pillsbury guy, but that is not the picture I get. My dough boys are golden brown pieces of bread dough, that have been left out over night to rise and then fried in a Cast Iron skillet that has been three quarters filled with Crisco ( That white soft lard comes in a big round can). Once cooked they are placed on a plate layered with paper towels to abosrb any extra grease, which I know that is laughable! We all get to choose our own toppings and speaking for myself, I ignore the sugar and cinnamon, and go right for the butter. All across my family this is happening Christmas morning and knowing that is so comforting, it is connectivity like no other. I have 6 siblings with entirely different lives and they have children of their own that have since moved out and had families of thier own, and yes you guessed it, if they are not returning Christmas morning for this ritual, it is playing out in their own homes. I love that thought, that feeling and that experience and I for one am not changing it this year. That is not a statement of defiance, it is what I love about Weight Watchers program, I do not have to change that. I may not have fun calculating the points for one of those " Dough Boys" but I can and I will, and I will love eating it, even if it sets like lead in my belly, and oh it does!
Yes, I have seen the articles that say 7-15 pounds of weight can be gained over the holidays but I can assure you that was not my 120 pounds, mine was gained over 365 days of bad choices and no activity times many years.. I have worked really hard to change that and it is happening, and will continue and so can everyone's else s. The Dough Boys stay on the menu, the mindless eating is out. I will pick my battles, I will eat what I want, but will pass on polite eating IE: Sisters cookies that I do not really like, but eat because I do not want to hurt her feelings, Candy on co-workers desks, ect.
Another thing I will remember is not only are the malls open but so is the Gym, the gym does not close down over the holidays.
As always I have been googling and I love this article, it will help me maintain my weight if not still lose. http://my.clevelandclinic.org/heart/prevention/nutrition/holidayeating12_01.aspx