Why I started this Journey

Thursday, November 11, 2010
Post Image I have been reading a lot of my early blog posts, I was searching for an answer as to why I would have joined Weight Watchers on Dec 26th instead of Jan 1st like a lot of people do, I did not find it written in my words, I found some interesting posts, but not the answer to that question (bdoggqueenh- This answer has been prompted by you, thank you for the revisit, I needed it )
I know the answer though, I thought maybe I had blogged it,but in hindsight it may have been too emotional for me too have put it in writing for all to see. It was fear. I was so afraid of what kind of damage I would do to myself between the day I decided I was going to lose this weight and the day I was going to start the program. I was out of control with my eating and drinking, and any indulgent habit I had that helped me numb how I was feeling, more accurately how I was hurting. 261 pounds of raw emotional pain that was being numbed not felt. I feared that I would not live to see my Granddaughters life unfold, I feared my mother whom I was a caretaker for would have to see another child go before her, and I feared leaving my daughters motherless. That fear over shadowed my desire to numb my feelings and I am so thankful for that
There are 6 days between Christmas and New Years Day, and I knew they would be six days of what I used to refer as " The Last Supper " I would eat and drink anything not nailed down, live life in excess in preparation for what I assumed would be the denial of anything I enjoyed until I had lost all my weight. In hindsight I was saving my life by joining on the 26th because on any given day before that I could have quite accidentally killed myself with my choices. I am not syaing the alcohol, I drank in excess yes, but I mean caloric wise. I was a mess, I had severe sleep apnea, Gerd, daily chest pains , high blood pressure, I could not walk 25 ft without a low wheezy whistle sound emitting from my airways. All that said if you asked me how I was, I would say " I am fine, everything is good with me, no worries."
Clearly everything was not Ok!. So fear motivated me and I can honestly say once I committed to this journey I have not looked back.
Once I decided I was going to take off this weight, full knowing it meant that I would have to feel my feelings and work through them and that I had some pretty
rough times ahead, I told people, to keep me accountable. Those around me knew I was going to try and tackle my weight again, whether they believed it or not I do not know, as they like me had been here before. In my heart I knew this time was different but it took many months before I feel others did.
While reading my past blog posts to see if I could find what I had written, I came across an entry on how hurtful others were to me while I was at my heaviest and it is a tool for me now. A very unkind nasty comment made off the cuff by a man that I hardly have contact with anymore as I realize part of taking care of me in this journey is staying away from people who are toxic in nature, whenever I can, for whatever
their reasons are for their toxicity if it is avoidable I avoid as it does not add to my life to surround myself with negativity. When I read this now, I see how far I have come, as even as I posted about the comment in January, in this post part two of one below I still can feel those words today, feel I said feel, I cried that day, and I have cried since, but even on that day I did not numb it, my mind had been made up to change that behavior.
This journey has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I so committed to it, I see now that it is essential to me being the best person I can possibly be. It has brought me closer to family members, and has taught me to distance myself from those that are toxic.