Look What I Found 3.21.2010

I was cleaning my desk, and I found a page that had been written in what would have been a journal of mine.

Dated 12/6/2008
250 - Topping the scales at the heaviest weight I have ever been :(
I do not feel healthy or happy. Somewhere between 250 and 145 lies the weight I need to accept as my real weight. I was happy and confident at 145, but I eat for comfort and when stress happens and it happens a lot with me, as with everyone, I choose to eat, eat and than eat again.
Here is how I feel, gigantic, embarrassed, hurt, angry, defeated, I feel challenged too. I have to not hit a point where I have decided I can not conquer this obsessive compulsive, eating disorder.
I am reading Dr Oz, " You on a Diet" and my hope is it will be the guidelines for the changes of the rest of my life.

I probably have at least 10 starts and as many fails at a diet since I wrote that almost two years ago. Over the course of my life at least 100 diet starts and stops, I am serious. When I was late 20's I lost 60-80 pounds with weight watchers, I felt great and Weight Watchers is where I come to when I feel ready to really succeed, I think it has taken me the last 15 years to really grow into myself and realize what I wish I could have learned at 20, I am the only one who can take care of me. I am worth it. I can not help anyone else if I am not taking care of myself. My biggest aha moment if you will is realizing there is nothing I can eat that will fix stressful situations, food only fixes hunger. I am learning what my hunger signals.

I look at the journal page and I only weigh 11 pounds less than I was on that day I wrote that, yet I gained another 10 pounds and since the last week of Dec 2010 I have lost 21.5 but more importantly gained the knowledge that I needed to tackle the problem, and not the number on the scale...

This week, my mom has been critically ill and she is still in ICU. I lost another pound in a half. Not because I did not eat, as I was too busy, not because of a fluke, but because I brought fruit to eat when stressed, for me and my family. I walked when I wanted to binge, I cried when I needed to cry, I did not stuff the feeling away with a twinkie. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way as well. Yay Jenna, just Yay :)