I Have a Plan and I am sticking to it!

I am struggling and not in the, I gained a pound, or I hit a plateau, or I had a really off track day, even yesterday with my first real fear of binging, I won over the urge. I have the tools I need , I see that and I feel that and I even have all the online support you can imagine and my family has been unbelievably supportive( Heidi, you get a special shout out) and am I so grateful for that. The struggle is with myself and my insecurities, and self doubt.
It started with the thought of running and the exercising, and the fact that the cold weather is blowing in and I will use that as a reason to slack, and I have already. After spending a few days thinking this to death and trying to find a away to overcome it, I finally decided to take some of my own advice. I left a comment on a friend's blog that states "Failing to plan was planning to Fail " and it was exactly what I needed to hear.
When I start eating off track I go back and look at recipes and make new meals to keep me interested. I make a meal plan for the week, I look at past weeks and see what I did than that worked and vice versa.
I want to exercise 6 days a week and the only way that scan happen for me is if I plan it. That scheduled exercise has to be as important as a Dr's appointment, I would not blow off a Dr's appointment or any other thing I put on my schedule. I would schedule things around it.
This is my schedule this week,
Yesterday I walked at the track with bursts of running at the local Track @ 5:00
Today the Gym, just came home home from a 50 minute intense treadmill work out, here is how the rest of the week will go, @ 3:00
Saturday Walk/Run at the track "by the way I am looking to add ab and arm work on the days I walk/run anyone have a good DVD in mind that would help with that? " @ 11:00
Sunday- Walk Winekenni Castle 4.5 miles up and down, rocky terrain @12:00
Monday - Gym 50 minute intense treadmill work out @3:00
Tuesday Walk/Run at track @5:00
Wednesday ....Weigh in Day and Rest Day

Sometimes are best advice is the advice we give others, I'm Just Saying....

Negativity Breeds Negativity

Almost 11 months into this journey, today took me by surprise. I found myself looking down the Barrel of a binge. It started innocent enough, I woke up feeling good, heck I am I am feeling good most days, I am looking at seeing 50 pounds lost soon, Onederland is on the horizon,I have made a real commitment to exercise. Things are good, Right?
I woke up and my Granddaughter had slept over and put in a request for waffles for breakfast. She was expecting the regular plain waffles hot off the waffle iron, but this Mimi decided to get fancy and made apple waffles with cinnamon. No Go, one taste and she wanted toast. Trust me they were good, it was her not the waffles as I had one. I threw the remaining 3 out the window for the birds.
After breakfast we had company and were busy right until I brought her home for 1. While the company was here I had one too many coffees, and I felt edgy, and no protein with breakfast and I passed on the donut holes that the company brought, even though I really wanted one. Now I am headed home and really hungry, seriously hungry and I know I have nothing at home, I need to shop. I call my sister, maybe she would like to do lunch, grab a salad somewhere. Nope, not today, I think Taco Bell, common sense prevails as I know I will crash and burn there, I skip Taco Belle. I could call in a salad, but I am thinking it will take too long, SUBWAY!! yes I can do that, very quick and very manageable. I walk in ready to order a six inch turkey and with all the veggies, grab my baked Lays, and BAM, right out the gate
" Sorry no wheat today, the artisan cheese bread is great" Somewhere between no wheat bread and the lady behind the counter annoying me with suggestions I left with a footlong ham and turrrrrrrrkey with swiss, oil and veggies ( notice I did get my healthy oils in) I came home and scarfed it down, not ate, scarfed....all 12 inches! For the love of Pete....It is now two in the afternoon and I have used all my points and I want more. I want ( block your eyes if you can not handle this) Chinese food, Fried clams with tartar sauce, M&M's and not the snack size, Chips with dip, and a large glass of milk, and of course any one who knows me knows I want Tiramasu.
Now I am in a bad place, and feeling very bad about everything and the only thing I can say right now that helps is, I did not binge, I wanted too, I still want to, but I did not and I will not., but I am not any less frightened by the thought.
Once that negativity came, all those awful feelings that came with that urge to binge, it has been a day of chasing them away.
I worked out, but not because I wanted too, and not to the best of my ability, I did despite the urge to just say " Forget about it" and that at least is a positive. All I can say is that I have learned by this today is that when a day like this happens, fake it till you make it. That is how I did not eat, I pretended that I could handle it and I pretended it was not as big as it felt and by doing that I won over the urge to binge. I exercised, I pretended I wanted too, and I did. I also learned that this has been building, I sensed it the other night when I had to guilt trip myself into exercising, I think I really need to think about what is going on in my head that I am fighting with myself over what I want and what I am willing to do to get there.
I would love to keep typing and try to decipher this but since I ate all my points by 2, I used 3.5 flex, a bag of popcorn and a piece of chocolate and now the kitchen is closed and I need to lock self in bedroom to get through the night with no noshing!

It must be broken!

I live on the first floor of a two family and I awoke at 6:30 to the
two boys upstairs, wrestling, it was my first indication that the day
was going to be challenging. There is three boys all tallied up, ages
9, 7 and 5, and there newly Single Mom. They just moved in this
September and to be quite frank they were a welcome change from the
previous neighbors who would keep me awake with their fighting and
drinking. They also complained that my Gardens annoyed them, something
about the daisies flopping over in front of their door, I cut them, but I
think that sums up how much fun they were. So the new neighbors, are
great. They are kids and I expect kids to be kids and I know if I let
her know that it woke me, it would not happen again, but again I expect
and want kids to be kids, I was just so ready for another half hour of
sleep. Usually I wake up to the soft patter of my new neighbor jumping
rope, she looks to be 100 pounds soaking wet and jumps rope for 45
minutes every morning to help manage the stress of raising three boys
alone, did I say I really like her? cause I do, and if that were not
enough reason she loves the Gardens.

So out of bed and I realize that I forgot to put out the trash, and
they come early, so out I go, recycle week and that must go out as well,
half way to the curb and the barrel slips and I am picking up
recyclables, in my bathrobe while the traffic is at a dead stop due to a
stopped school bus, yup, one of those mornings.

Trash picked up, coffee poured and I decide this is the morning I am
going to skip going to Mom's bright and early and I will just chill in
front of some blogs and than get on the scale for my weekly weigh in.
Phone rings of course it is Mom. I do not even expalin that " No I am
not on my way I am coming later " as the urgency of the half gallon of
milk being picked up and can you get here before the visiting nurse does
to check on her husband is definitely all she wants to hear.

So all this before the scale suddenly I am struck with the, " Did I
exercise enough? " I know I was OP but " Did I use too many AP's after I
burned through my flex points. " Enough already get on the scale!

I did, I got on the scale and than off, and than back on, and than off,
and one more time, ON. Three times the scale indicated I lost three
pounds and three times I doubted it. Denial in reverse I tell you, here I
have good news in front of me and I assume, the scale must be broken.

I looked at my week and I did a lot right., going backwards last night when I wanted to continue to lay around, I guilt tripped myself to the local track, and walked with burst of running. Last Wednesday when I was stuck at home with my sick granddaughter I put in a walking with Leslie Sansone DVD ( despite the fact that she reminds me of Sarah Palin, sorry that rant is for another day) I set my office up with weights, and have been doing squats whenever I think of them. I am working the program and it is working!

Some weeks are a mystery, we do everything right and see little or no change and than we have a week like this one, and wonder, How can that happen? I do not have the answer, but I do know this...after checking ONE MORE TIME...the scale is not broken, I lost three pounds :)
Not a challenging day after all........ and my neighbor? she inspires me, I bought a jump rope today to reward my 48 pounds lost.

psssst....Guess What?? It is happening!!

I am almost afraid to say this out loud or put it to paper, or as it be, put it in my blog. I will start by when I first noticed that something has happened to me. It was last week.
While posting on my blog I for just a split second thought about running again. Yes, you heard it right I said again. For one brief year I was a runner. It was 1999 and I finished a Hometown 5k 117 JENNIFER BORDEN 216 F2039 PLAISTOW 29:05 9:23, by the way I was at my goal weight, no coincidence there.
144 runners so I did not come in last ( just in case the thought crossed your mind).
I do not remember ever loving it, I do not even remember liking it, but what I do remember is feeling so proud to have completed that 5K as it showed me that despite the fact that I do not think I am athletic, or anything other than always the fat girl, on that day, at that race, I accomplished something I never thought I could. Sadly after that race, I stopped running. I met my goal and I did not set another one.
Why would I be thinking about running now. I am still 75 pounds away from my weight loss goal, I still struggle at the gym, not as much I admit, I am liking how I can raise the level of the treadmill to 10, 12 even and walk for 45 minutes, but I know I have a ways to go.
I am thinking about it because at some point I am going to need goals to keep me focused. I will not always be looking to lose weight, I will be at the part of my journey where I need maintenance, and that is scary to me. Add to that when I hit my last 20 pounds I am thinking it will take some serious game change ups to get my body to let go of that last amount of weight and I want to be ready.
So what is happening is I am thinking in terms of what I am going to do when I reach my goal, not thinking if I reach my goal, but when I reach my goal!
Yesterday it happened again, I was out walking my favorite walk around Winnekenna Castle with my daughter and it was cold, it was beautiful, but cold. The conversation was great and unlike the last time I walked that walk with her, I was not whining, or huffing and puffing, I was proud to show her my progress. We were discussing walking again Saturday and Sunday and thinking of locations. We talked about how much better I feel, and my weight struggles ( She has never shared my weight problems, and that I am happy for, I hope it continues). That is when it happened again, I thought how am I going to continue walking in this cold weather, instead of thinking, I am not going to walk when it gets cold.
This morning I woke up and I googled some great walks in my area and the cold thought came back and so instinctively I googled LL Bean http://www.llbean.com/llb/search?storeId=1&catalogId=1&langId=-1&init=1&freeText=baselayers+for+men+a What has happened is I am now thinking in terms of my success, how to get there and how to stay there and real solutions to the problems instead of excuses of why I can't. I can...I can.... I can, and I will. It is happening, it will happen and I will continue it!

Candy Happens!

I am an admitted snob about my sweets, high end Dark chocolate for me, decadent cakes ect... So I thought I was pretty safe buying my Halloween candy early.
I was downright arrogant when cleaning off my counter-tops last night, I brazenly opened the Halloween candy and put it out on my counter for all to see. Dear boyfriend should be able to snack on it, and the kids as they come and go.
Last night before retiring to my favorite Thursday Night shows, I was starving and kept ignoring it, finally allowed myself a bag of 1 pt popcorn. I ate well all day I am thinking the problem was I am recovering from a cold and I have been eating a lot of chicken soup, and less carbs and less protein than I normally do.The popcorn helped but I still found myself wanting to eat, something, anything and my dark chocolate stash was out, so you guessed it.... I ate some Halloween Candy, not a lot of pleasure there for me but I did it anyways. 4 Pieces! all snack size at least, and it sent me looking for points this morning and I found this from my good friend Google
http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=536&sc=3010#Story
It helped. So if you find yourself dipping into the Halloween candy, I hope it can help you as well.
In Hindsight I now know to listen to those hunger signals, for whatever the reason I was really hungry and 8 points could have been avoided by just eating sooner.
The candy is packed back away until Oct 31 as Candy snob or not, my self control is not where it should be quite yet!
According to the cheat I used 8 points, and I had them so that is ok, but I can think of many other ways I would have enjoyed those 8 points, " Can you say Lindt Dark chocolate with almonds " ... Good Luck...as it is Halloween time and Candy Happens!

Write a Blog post " Honey you have no Ass "

Believe it or not this is actually a post about a new discovery for me, I really like my legs, but for some reason before I can ever get to what I want to write or say, I have a lot of of other stuff to say first.
Yesterday was long and difficult on many levels. It started great, 2 pounds lost for total of 45. I wrote a lovely post about it and uploaded a great picture and it was purple in support of anti bullying, however it is lost in cyber space somewhere and the day got too busy to rewrite it.
I was watching my three year old granddaughter and we were having a down day, she seemed low key and I was grateful as my cold was kicking me around too. What started out to be a day of watching movies and obliging the sweetly asked " Mimi, just sit with me." ended with teaching a three year old how to throw up in the toilet, as she was sick with her first stomach virus. Any Mom's, Dads, Nannie's, Mimi's out there know this is not one of the best parts of our jobs. We averaged success about 2 out of three times and my washing machine is still humming behind me, and the house has been sprayed with lysol to kill any lingering germs. She is home now with her mom and hopefully on the mend, and I am hiding behind my keyboard, silently hoping that my parents, my daughter or my granddaughter do not need me today as I am exhausted!
So after spending a sick day with granddaughter and returning her to the mom, I decided to take a much needed shower, enough said. I get out of the shower, and realize I have gone through several outfits including my " cover every piece of skin I have, bathrobe". I am forced to wear a T-Shirt until the favorite " cover every piece of skin I have bathrobe" makes it through the laundry cycle.
Shortly after I lay on the couch I hear Dear Boyfriend come home, and it has been years since I have paraded around carefree about what I look like as we know my weight has been up...and up... I get up and try to retreat to the bedroom for more clothes and apologize for my ass not being covered and he says " Honey you have no ass" Wow, now to me those are " I love you so much I will rub your back for three days, words." as he loves back rubs and he just made my day ( keep in mind what I have been doing all day.....) So guess what, I retreat. It is my house, and only he and I are here, forget the " cover every piece of skin I have bathrobe" I am going to lay on the couch with Dear Boyfriend and Watch TV just as I am. While watching TV I look at myself and think, " When did my legs get smaller?" shapely too, so not only do I have no donkey but after all these hours on the treadmill, and all these weeks of eating on program, has started to be apparent to me, and my legs are my reward! My legs are not my only reward as clearly I am looking at myself less critically and I am seeing progress and complimenting me, something I am not so quick to do when I feel bad about what I am eating, or my lack of exercise, like 45 pounds ago. So along with the weight, and the donkey I lost, I apparently am losing my critical attitude towards myself and that is as great as my newly shapely legs. I can hardly wait to see who much stronger and shapely they get as I go along and I just might throw out that
" cover every piece of skin I have bathrobe!"

44° Cloudy ( Ther Weather here this morning)

My walking buddy texted me at 6:30 am, " Want to walk?" My answer was " Sorry no, cold winning" it was half truth as it is the cold winning and not My Cold. Here lies my struggle with walking outside through the seasons. I wake up and it is now dark here in New England and the temperatures are dipping low, as I said 44 Degrees and cloudy...and even with my pre menopausal symptoms I can not warm up enough to go out the door at 7 am when option 2 is stay in warm robe and slippers and sip hot coffee!
Last nights weather said it will be colder by the end of the week, so I think I better get with my buddy and devise a plan two or....find some way to just do it.
I have a cold, and I am trying to just call it that, there is a difference on how I view a cold and one way, is how I want to, the " I Have a cold." spoken nonchalantly with the indication that it is just a cold. When I say it that way, I can do anything, go to work, still clean the house, see the parents and do their errands, watch my granddaughter, and as yesterday proved, Go to The Gym.
Then there is the " Oh, I have a cold." when I say this, it is drawn out and you can hear the Woe is me in every syllable and quite frankly it is my way of saying, I am curling up on the couch with tea, chicken soup, Grey's Anatomy DVDS, and my cats. Most times it is the same symptoms and having the cold at the same intensity, the only difference is my attitude. I know that that the difference in the attitude is also what is going to be the difference of succeeding at my weight loss goals this time or not. I need that good attitude to push me out the door when I am cold, or it is raining or I just think I need 10 more minutes of sleep. I know it does not come natural for me, but I think it will if I keep working on it , so as I sit here in my bathrobe, with my coffee, I texted walking buddy, " How about I come get you at 8:30 and we get our walk in?" she responded " I am Game for that. Dress Warm". So Today,,,," I have a cold".
Battle one of two won, later today the gym calls for my second workout ,,,I hope I still just " Have a cold ", now the cats may hope something entirely different.